What do u think of my story? ~10 points best answer!~?

Question

SORRY IF IT LONG! BUT...

I stand in my bathroom looking in the mirror, and all I can think is what he thinks about me. But all I can see is the acne on my face and the frizz in my hair as I say “Well I have to go outside and hang out with Jazlynne.” I walk out though taunting door, looking if I can hear or see anyone. Out I walk, and there he is…but the strange thing is a few months ago I saw him as a funny pig. The guy that treat girl like property and owner ship. That called them lady and message me sometimes say “hi baby…” When I did not care weather he liked a girl or talk about her. “Hi Sam,” he called in a sarcastic way, “Was up?” I did want to answer but all I could think of was “Hey…I’m good. You?” All I wanted to do was go over and smack that grin off his face. I walk by with out another word annoyed but yet wanting to talk with him. Though thoughts that wanted me to ask him what he thinks of me. Sometimes I catch a few words of him starting to say, “Yea, Sam’s pretty cool… and for the year I’ve know her…” I desperately want to know what he was going to say. For Day on end I’d think how to fill in the blanks, but nothing would come to my mind.

If you want to read the rest then just add me and i email you the rest that i have so far...

Answer 1

It's very juvenile writing.  It just needs some developing.  And no offense but I really don't know where it's going (but it is only a paragraph, not enough time for development).  I think with a bit of training and practice you could do better. :)

Answer 2

Its ok though I think that the girl needs to be a bit stronger and self confident

make the plot deeper and more interesting other than the typical romance novels out there

Answer 3

I guess 8-12 target audience will keep reading, I wouldn't though

Answer 4

That's alright but the bit about the kid thinking he wants to go punch the other kid is that necessary? Professional writers would edit that bit unless the kid is a bad seed but other than it's Ok.