What do u think of this story?

Question

The Petals of Armageddon

Okay my life changed a lot since I was a kid, I used to be a kid in the seventh grade who sold paper flowers and I used to sell them for a really high price too. I was your regular everyday seventh grade kid going to school everyday, brushing my teeth, eating my food and drinking my cup of water so basically I was nothing special, in fact the special talents I had were making beautiful paper flowers. I also had and still have a flower shaped birthmark where my heart is.

I remember that the day it all began was one day before a talent show I entered so I was really nervous about it. If memory serves I was in my pajamas about to go to sleep. Suddenly when the clock hit midnight, I could tell because we had a grandfather clock that made a sound whenever it was midnight, I felt a stabbing pain where my birthmark was. It was like a hundred swords being forced through me at the same time and as the pain gradually increased the room around me started spinning and eventually was spinning at a very high speed. It kept gaining speed as my pain continued increasing before I knew it I was screaming and begging for mercy.

I had to close my eyes because I couldn’t bear keeping them open but then suddenly the pain stopped after a good ten minutes of suffering. I opened my eyes and was floating in pure darkness I was going down and down it looked like there was no end to it. I started hearing a whisper, the first few times I couldn’t make out what was the sentence being whispered but then it got louder and louder and I made out that it was saying “The Petals, are your destiny”. I didn’t know what that meant but after I understood it, it turned into a little squeaky girl’s scream that got louder and louder and then shattered me.

It shattered me like a ball shatters a window I break and turned into pieces and at that I opened my eyes and the top of my body sprang forward. I was sweating all over and looking around like crazy while breathing as if I’ve been running full speed for a mile. After I stopped looking around, caught my breath and dried up I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn’t so I stayed up all night.

Answer 1

That was interesting.. but get some more emotion.. Try to really describe what your trying to express and the feelings the character is going through.(Example:I was frightened to death is no good- EXPLAIN the feelings: I felt my stomach knot itself and my heart in my throat, pumping blood around so fast I could hear it in my ears, biting my lip I tried to un-knot my stomach but it was no good- I was so terrified I couldn't do anything..._Ok maybe not a good example but you get the drift_)

Otherwise its good but get some speech from other proper characters going and lets learn some names!

Answer 2

Uhm, how old are you? This story is OK, I can see where the plot is going and whatever- but this isn't very great writing in general, you need more commas in your sentences. Also, you need to use better descriptive words, your story has the vocabulary of a fifth grader.

Use this website: http://thesaurus.reference.com/

It is a thesaurus, in the little search box you put in a word and it gives you a list of more words that have a similar meaning, hopefully that will help you!

Good luck with your story.

Answer 3

     You're certainly on to something, but I'm not quite sure what.  The first thing to do is to read this into a tape recorder, then play it back.  There are numerous mistakes and typos, and this is a good way of showing them up.

     I think the idea of a flower on your heart is  very good, and the title's excellent.  All in all, I think it's good.  Work on it a bit more, and you could have a winner.

Good luck

Mike B