What do ya think of this poem I wrote?

Question

Breaking Glass

By: Rockstar123

Waves slowly crash on the shore so close to me

The sunny sky gleams, so beautifully

the water is like glass, smooth and unmoving

As I sit in the warm sand that is so soothing

As I look out to the sea

I know it can show no mercy

Dont let it fool you

for the relaxing sensation is untrue

for a fate I know so well

under the glass watch out for what may dwell

Answer 1

Love it! To make a suggestion though, you kind of contradicted yourself by saying that the waves were crashing on the shore, then going on to say it is unmoving. Try "smoothly moving" instead. But who would really notice that? Great poem! :-)

Answer 2

Your fear is keeping you from true happiness

Answer 3

wow its good

Answer 4

Let's take it line by line:

Line 1- Brings you into the poem instantly, however I would change "so close to me" to  "at my feet." It's smoother and still shows that you are close to the waves.

Line 2- Perfect imagery, just get rid of the "so."

Line 3- The water was crashing two seconds ago, and now it's unmoving? Great line, but not suited to the situation. Maybe add something like "the world seems to stop and..." and then insert this line.

Line 4- Again, excellent line, I'm just not a fan of the "so."

Line 5- This is a good line. Maybe you can trade "look" for a stronger verb such as "gaze" or "stare".

Line 6- This line is perfect. It flows and makes sense.

Line 7- This is good; it's saying you can't trust anyone.

Line 8- Great line, it flows and is very psychological.

Line 9- Excellent; adds on to your trust theme.

Line 10- This is a good "warning" for not trusting anyone.

Overall, excellent poem, just a few wording situations at the beginning! Great imagery, good lesson, well-written! =] Also, the only reason I offered a lot of criticism is because you have so much potential.

Keep writing, be driven, and always have a purpose.

Answer 5

it was beautiful i was imagining it nice work

Answer 6

Love it, and love the way you presented it as well! So yes rock-star, you have a winner there!  Keep them coming!!  Cheers !!

Answer 7

Woah! I love it.

It isnt totally origanal, i have read so many things like this, but you made it your own. Great job.

=]

answer mine please

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 8

i do some poetry, and i thought that was very truly realistic, and unbelievably beautiful

Answer 9

I love it and I think it would even make a great song, so keep

working on it. Good-luck!

Answer 10

awesome use of words! the only thing i would correct is the rhythm  of the poem itself...but only towards the end. other than that its beautiful! keep writing!

Answer 11

It's really nice.  I know exactly what you're talking about, I spend a lot of time at a lake, I love those days where it's as calm as glass.  But.... at the beginning, there are waves then... all of a sudden there are no waves.  Are they boat waves?  I don't know.  I guess it's possible, weather changes fast!  But I still like it!

Answer 12

its good