Question:

What do you all think of my poem

by Guest59517  |  earlier

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i know the punctuation and structure is not up to par, but otherwise, what do you guys think? I know it's kind of dark, but i'm not suicidal or anything..it's just a poem, or free verse, or junk, or whatever you want to call it.

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What Has Become Of Me

My life is moving in slow motion, broken fragments lost in the absurdity that once held better days.

Passing through these moments i grasp the stagnant and pale reminder of what I once was.

I used to be young, naïve to the reality of life, drugged by hope that beyond my sanity lay a world never stained by man.

Where the air once clean and crisp, the wind blew its beauty with fury,

Sunshine never overcome, colors vibrant and strong, all things conceivable.

Left now are the dying embers trapped within the thinning air.

My head is pounding, demanding the darkness to be freed from its solitude,

My heart now destroys itself with each infected beat, seducing me with devastation.

My breathing grows shallow as the voices that were once unseen bleed their way in.

The weakness that I have starved begins to feed again, screaming through my dried veins,

I feel myself slipping away the more aware I become, I am becoming something unseen.

My senses overcome me, sharpening, evolving, forcing realities upon me I pleaded to be saved from.

Paralyzed I lay witness to blackening clouds and storms brewed in h**l,

My God, what has become of me?

My mind's eye slowly dissolves into ashes, blown away by the naivety that any other existence was attainable,

Life, death, hope, faith…..programmed illusions imbedded to falsely offer escape.

I hear the hurt, its deafening clutch echoes throughout my vacancy,

I can touch pain, it quietly exists in the void, caressing, floating, swimming inside the dreams of those who rest.

This disease lifts me, soothes me, intoxicates me, blinds me, gradually leading me to a warm place where I am no longer within reach,

As each aching breath fills me, I drift further and further, I am now too far gone.

These shells, identities, delusions of self lay waste along side the counterfeit ideology that free will blossoms,

Deep within this emptiness a dark truth begins to emerge; ripping through my panic my skin begins to burn.

My eyes bleed the fragments of my remaining soul as the gloom begins to seep in,

Trembling, melting, suffocating, I am drowning in what I used to be.

I no longer exist, I am no longer me, mirrored reflections only show a blackness I never could have known.

The oneness I have forever sought after, forever longed for, eternally hoped to swim within, soothed by its gentle wave, and blessed by its peace,

All along it was lying in wait, seeking me, stalking my dreams, hovering in my night, crawling through the shadows, attentive, aware, alive.

Manipulating the frailty of my perception, peering at me through city lights and dim lit alleys.

Feeding my fears with my fears, seizing my tears, removing clarity, constructing and controlling paths,

This pale shade of regret that has forever followed me, is me.

My eyes for so long flooded with rage were never mine,

Bloodied hands from the pain of being did not bleed my blood,

Aching bones and broken skin were tendencies never birthed by me,

Hollowed heart and smiles shared, curses laid upon me,

A dark place where time no longer competes, it grows deep inside me,

It protects me now, shields me now, distances me from the pain of breathing,

It feeds me with a glimpse of reality, sustains me with the blackness of void.

Teased by the clarity of truth, my sanity has been reborn,

No longer to run from my h**l that exists, I embrace this death of ignorance.

I challenge my sight to see what is actual, disregard the beyond I cannot observe,

To my touch I pose the question of present, allow things to be what they are,

Hear within before you hear abroad, internally is heard the loudest truth,

To smell the beauty and truth of life, breathe deep, breathe deep, breathe deep,

Indulge your taste with purity and innocence, only Earth can truly provide.

This h**l, this void, this pain of life evolves me,

To accept, to live, to breathe, to exist.

These shallow concepts no longer plague and poison,

For life is pain, and life will end, these fears will have no place.

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14 ANSWERS


  1. It sounds like a suicide note, and i mean that in the nicest possible way.


  2. Wall Of Text

  3. I like it! Be careful about posting it on the internet though, people may take it and call it their own. Check out: www.poetry.com . they have an on-going poetry contest. they also publish compliations. your poem could be next, i really think you have what it takes! Good luck with your future writing!

  4. I think it is Beautiful and so..Moving I love it u should become a poet : )

  5. GORGEOUS! YOU ALMOST MADE ME CRY MY BALLS OFF.

    KEEP IT UP!

    :D


  6. Hey there. That is a really awesome poem. Dont worry about the length. If you like poetry sign up at www.poemhunter.com, Put your poems on there and you'll get views from people who actually write poetry themselves.

  7. wow i like it a lot

    1-10 i would give it a 10

    and u wrote it that so cool

  8. yea its long ..


  9. That's pretty f.......g awesome, did you serve?  War poems are some of the best.  look up Wilfred Owen

  10. i'll be honest with you....you are really good, you have a natural talent for captivating emotion in words, you evolve your feelings and command attention. it's bold, you seriously have a future in poetry.

  11. it's too long

  12. Ignore the assjacks who say it's too long!

    This is very good, just needs a few small tweaks with punctuation and such.

    Follow the advice of the other people telling you to visit the poetry sites and competitions. You have a lot of talent here and this is a very strong, well written piece.

    Best of luck!

  13. Wow. It's extremely moving and raw to the bone. Have you considered trying to get published? You have a natural talent for putting into words what usually remains unspoken.  

  14. It's like food poisoning only without the good after taste.

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