What do you consider to be a coerced surrender?

Question

I am curious what people in here consider to be too coercive for obtaining an adoption surrender?

Answer 1

Pre-birth Matching

Counselling by adoption agency rather than an independant

Paps present at the birth

Same legal representative for both paps and surrendering Mother

Assurances of open adoption

Promises that once the child is 18 the mother will see him/her again

Adoption being presented and pushed as the only option at so-called 'pregnancy crisis centers'

Answer 2

Hi Sly,

In addition to what people have already mentioned, would be the mention or insinuation that a wealthier two parent home is better for the child than a single mother.  If the mother is told this enough she begins to believe if she is not good enough for her baby.  The subtle coercion really bothers me because it is often overlooked.

Answer 3

Anything that preys on a young pregnant woman and suggests to her she parts with her baby without allowing her to come to that decision on her own is coercive.  A woman in pregnancy is very vulnerable and this has been known for sometime.  All the hormonal changes she is going through make her an easy target for those who would like her baby.

Telling her if she loves her baby she would give them up, that she is selfish for wanting to keep her own child, lying outright to her, badgering her day in and day out about giving her baby up and not allowing her to think for herself are some of things I would consider to be too coercive.

Not trying to help a mother and baby stay together or allowing them to explore other options is subtle and sneaky coercion as is keeping her uneducated about the known effects of adoption on her and her baby.

Then there is the strapping the mother to her bed and drugging her etc that occurred routinely in hospitals all over the world to young mums right up to the 70's and in some cases later.  That is outright stealing her baby.  Nowadays, cos this practice was caught out, its done in other ways but still most babies lost to adoption were/are not voluntarily placed.

BTW, unless a woman WILLINGLY places her child for adoption, then a child is pretty much taken for adoption.  There is no giving/surrendering.  It is always hilarious to see people's use of words when it comes to women who have LOST children through adoption as most women I know never WILLINGLY placed and they sure as h**l never GAVE their baby up.

Answer 4

["They have been waiting so long for a baby and you can have as many more as you want to"]

I would like to point this out, which has been said quite a few times online at various websites and implied through pro-adoption blogs by prospective parents.

"You can always just have MORE children if you want to."

So now siblings can "just" be replaced?

Gee, thanks. I feel so much better now knowing my mother could "always just have more children" if she wanted to.

Answer 5

Telling someone they are on their own and nobody will help them.

Telling a teen they are ruining their lives and in turn will be depriving a child their right to be happy and safe.

Telling a teen that by raising their child that they will have to give up everything that is of interest to themselves.

Telling teens everyone will look down at them for having a baby so young and out of wedlock. (church folk even give teen girls the cold shoulder when the don't fall for the adoption lies hoping it will make them reconsider)

Telling mothers they will be a part of the child's life in open adoptions

Having a mother sign any papers after she gives birth (the more difficult the labor the more coercive it becomes)

Answer 6

-lying.

-telling a pregnant woman that if she changes her mind that she will have to repay all the adoption expenses that were paid by the paps.

-telling a pregnant woman the CYS will be called if she changes her mind.

-promising open adoption as a means to secure a baby from an ambivalent woman.

-convincing a pregnant woman that older, married couple is "a better life."

-convincing a pregnant woman that giving up her child is "loving and selfless."

i can go on.

Answer 7

Not offering enough information.  It makes me sick that some women are not TOLD of their rights, and when they find out later, they've already lost their child.  Anyone "counseling" a woman about adoption should be well versed in assistance programs, laws (for instance, as I understand it, it's against the law to force a woman to pay back any financial assistance she receives during pregnancy from an adoption agency or PAP), and obviously (MOST importantly) the effects of surrender on mothers.  Anyone who tells a woman that she'll be able to move on has no business "counseling" a woman about a possible adoption.

These are what I call "lies by omission".  Unacceptable.

Answer 8

Telling the mother that her baby will be taken away and she will have no say where the baby goes.

Offering money in exchange for the child.

Parents threatening to throw a daughter out of their home if she doesn't give the child up.

Threats and Bribes.

Answer 9

Oh, so many things I could say here. Things I was told personally before I gave birth:

"This baby needs a mother and a father. What do you really have to offer him?"

"Your baby will feel special when he's older because he will have twice as many people that love him and he will thank you for it."

"This poor couple has wanted a baby for years. They finally had triplets, but they all died soon after birth. It was devastating for them. This is really their last hope."

"Remember, you can't change your mind now. They''ve been notified that you picked them and if you change your mind, it will be horrible for them."

And then, after birth:

"CPS will take the baby and you will never see him again or even know where he is or anything about him if you don't do this adoption."

"I've already called the APs. They've bought plane tickets and are already on their way."

I've also heard of them flying women to different states and then telling them that if they change their minds, they will be stranded in that strange state with no where to go.

Of course, locking people in rooms until they sign, offering money. These are extremes, I think.

I agree that even not giving someone all the facts is coercive in itself, as are "dear birthmother" letters.

Answer 10

Coercion can be in your face and blunt or so subtle you can only hear it's whisper. I consider it to be any type of force used to "convince" a person that they are not the best parent for their child. Some of the ones I've heard about most often include

"Don't you want your baby to have two loving parents?"

"Do you have any idea how much it costs to raise a baby?"

"You want to finish school, don't you?"

"You already told the 'parents' they could have the baby"

"They have been waiting so long for a baby and you can have as many more as you want to"

My personal favorite is

"If you don't give them your son we will take away your parental rights in court and send him to a new foster home. He will NEVER be adopted and will ALWAYS be bounced from one foster home to another." (Harsh words to say to the loving mother of a three year old)

Then there are the cases where actual physical force is used. Women locked in rooms for hours and days with no food, water washroom privileges, or place to sleep.

I've heard of threats made toward pregnant women telling them that if they don't surrender they will be sued for any money the PAPs gave the agency. I've heard, and been subjected to, threats of children and newborns being apprehended by social services. I have had social workers and agency workers sit outside the delivery room waiting for me to deliver my first daughter after I was forced to relinquish her older brother. When I delivered my first born there was a social worker with surrender forms waiting in the hall for my son to be taken to the NICU so she could come in an tell me where to sign, despite the fact that I had NEVER entertained adoption during my pregnancy.

I have lived through the loss of two children, both taken by "caring" social workers to feed the adoption machine. I thank my lucky stars every day that my daughter's father stepped up and took responsibility thus allowing me to be a major part of her life and saving her from a life without her family. I also mourn the loss of my son every day; a forced surrender, an open adoption slammed shut and heaps of promises not kept. My life was enriched with him in it and I am missing a huge part of myself, not to mention my own guilt at not being wise enough, at 20, to see what "they" were really doing.

Many people here deny that coercion exists. They claim that you can not make a person do something they truly don't want to. I say you can, you can break a person's spirit and back them into a corner far enough that they will do anything you tell them to... as long as you make it seem like what a loving mother should do. You see, we all love our children and want what is best for them even when it turns out to be a heap of BS and lies.

Answer 11

telling her she owes back rent to a maternity home if she decides to keep her baby.

Answer 12

Forcing the mother / father to sign over parental rights using lies / gifts / false promises...etc.