What do you do about an 8 yr. old who lies about everything and is controlling?

Question

I am perplexed, this is my second born. First is a boy and he is 10, he is an intellectual kid and pretty quiet. He doesn't like to make waves except, on occasion, to irritate his sister. My daughter, on the other hand, is equally as smart however she loves to make waves, wherever and whenever she can! She does this through lieing about absolutely everything, and being controlling. This is really, honestly commonplace. I have done my best to deal with it head on and trying to reward for not lieing, punish for lieing, encourage communication - always telling her that no matter what the truth is that is what I always want to hear. Treating her special, taking her places, complimenting her etc. But she still lies! She is still controlling. For example, tonight she forgot her book at school. She called a friend to have a conversation and the next thing I know she is seeking out answers from her friend. Her friend was on speakerphone and I could hear her friend telling her that

Answer 1

Im no expert but Im hoping this may be of a little help to you. I have 3 girls of my own and have had this problem with my middle child. But probably more helpful to your situation, is the fact that your daughter sounds like me at her age! I stole alot of money from my mother, and manipulated many to get my way. Now as an adult, I look back and realise I did it - because I could! My mother was overly protective. Always fighting my battles, telling me how great I was, and failing to punish me for all the little things that eventually turned into bigger things. She would ask me to clean my room several times and when I still failed to comply, she would clean it in sheer disgust - never the less, I learnt quickly that i could get away with just about everything. Now with my own kids, Ive recognised that I have been setting up my second child the same way and inadvertantly removing responsibilities from her and allowing her to learn the technique of manipulation. Ive attended some parenting classes in hopes to undo what I have started and learnt a number of handy hints including not to praise my child for being her but to encourage her to self praise by asking her how her achievement/good work made her feel and promoting self love. I praise her actions never her as a person which was giving her the 'better than you' attitude.

This technique I also use when she lies. And I allow her to choose her own punishment which is removal of privileges, time out or revised bed time. I also noticed most lying and items stolen revolved around me - which i recognised as her disrespect for myself in response to me not teaching her to respect herself. Its been a slow improvement but in 18months its been a definate one. So my suggestions is - before you look at fixing your daughters behaviour, you may need to look at your own or those around her to see whom is giving her the strength to act in such negative ways. Instill self respect and self approval rather then giving her extra attention and special benefits, for this is giving her even more positive reaction for her wrong doings. Goodluck - I know how frustrating and upsetting it can be.

Answer 2

There is nothing wrong with calling a friend for help if you forgot your book at school, what is wrong is that your child is expecting every one to give her the answers.

obviously if she is persistent enough, this works for her. she gets what she wants because people get frustrated and tired of dealing with her so they just give in to her.

Now what should have happened is when you heard her asking another child for answers, you told her to stop. But when she persisted in doing so, and lied  about it, you should have immediately took the phone from the child apologized to her friend for your daughters behavior and said good bye to the little girl your daughter then would have been in the position to not have the information she needed to finish her work. because of the way she was behaving.

She should have been made to throw the answers away she had gotten from her friend and just not been able to turn in her assignment.  

And at the age of eight, that would put her in the third grade, she knows how to use a dictionary quite well she behaved like she didn't so you would do that for her.  thus getting out of doing it herself.  

You let things go on for to long, then out of imbarrasment you reacted.  

You need to react imediately.  If every single time she lied, you reacted to that by telling her the truth of what happened and then  sending her to the cornor until she decided to tell the truth, she would not still be lieing.  

It is human nature, to do what benefits ones own self, if lieing benifits you you lie.  If it gets you into trouble and it causes discomfort. you don't do it.   Yes you eventually, yelled at her, and she eventually got off the phone but she got what she wanted before that happened. and even though you ranted and raved, she still really faced on consiquence for her behavior instead, you did the rest of the work for her.

Answer 3

Oh man...where do I begin?

First off, if you punish your daughter even once for lying, of course she isn't going to come clean because she thinks she will be punished again. Stop punishing; it obviously isn't working and it is probably making a bigger habit out of lying. If she lies just focus on the truth, not her lie. If she still persists in the lie, focus on the steps after the truth. (Such as if she lies about leaving a mess, just focus on the mess that was made, and work with her to clean it up.)

You are saying she is controlling but look at your examples! You are mandating she do something and are surprised when she puts similar mandates on you. Who do you think she is emulating? Who cares if she wants to arrange her paints a certain way? Let her; it is her paints. And if you need her to do something, ask her, don't demand it of her. Set an example of teamwork and respect. If she says "no" asks her why. Maybe she has a good reason; maybe she is concentrating on something that is important to her. Put yourself in her shoes; how would you feel if you were concentrating on something important to you and someone demanded you do something for them. How would you feel or respond?

Just because your first child is easy-going and compliant, doesn't mean there is anything wrong with your 2nd child. She has a stronger, more confident personality - they kind of personality that will be a leader instead of a follower and will think for herself. It's the same kin of personality that you find in very successful people. That's a good thing and with practice, you can bring out the good in that while showing her how to be considerate of others.

Check out "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk". It's a good book with practical advice.

Answer 4

HELLO!!!! It's not just you that is experiencing this. Take a look at society ever since we decided, at some point, that we should treat our children as though they are English majors at Columbia. We cannot simply just talk to our children and expect results. What you're suffering from is the feminization of America.

What that means is, no discipline. Everybody just tries to reason with the children. Or they ground them to their rooms that have a DVD player, guitar, keyboard, cable TV, Ipod, radio, toys, dolls, GI Joes, etc.

It doesn't work. Bottom line. Start doing the one thing that has ever truly altered the behavior of a child. Learn to give loving spankings. Good luck.

Answer 5

Send her to Iraq for a week, that will straighten her up.

Tough Love baby, that's the answer.

You gave an inch, she took a mile.  You had it a little easy with the first one but now God wants to make your life interesting, wants to make sure you don't completely miss out on the parenting adventure, you've got yourself a fighter.

It's time to fight back, take control of your house, and set and maintain standards regardless of who's feelings get hurt.  Set her down, lay down the rules, and take the power back.

Stealing is a control issue, she's already telling you where to go and how to get there, now she's taking stuff away from you.  I wonder where the dad is in all of this or is this a solo effort?

I lay down the rules, my wife dishes out the punishment, I back her up.  My wife ran a solo effort for a few years until I came along, so I too had to learn how to put it back on the plate and make them eat it; it wasn't always easy, but we're still on top and the kids "seem" to be over the hard parts.

Answer 6

It is natural for kids to lie.  However persistent lying and manipulation can be a sign of a greater issue.   Try to keep the lines of communication open.  When she lies, ask her why she felt the need to lie about it.  

Stay with the discipline and increase the severity, when she lies.  She looses the phone for a few days, more lies a week.  More lies no phone no TV.   ETC,  Be firm, let her know that there will be consequences and what they are.

If she still persist to lash out, it may not hurt to have her speak to a psychologist or trained professional.  Sometimes kids have underlying emotions which they don't know how to deal with and manifest themselves in negative behavior.

Keep on track, you really want to nip this in the bud before she get to her teenage years.

Answer 7

In my house, certain infractions have specific punishments - forgetting your book at school is worth x amount of chores (equal to the time I spend driving her back to school).  But LYING about it makes the punishment 4 times worse.

Stealing a diamond necklace would be a very serious offense - and I think that an equal amount of clothes and toys would be put into lockup for a week or so (I'm assuming you got the necklace back).

The dictionary thing would result in me sitting with her to prove that she can do her homework.  Since you can't believe what she says (and make that VERY CLEAR), you need to have everything proven until she regains your trust.  EVERYTHING.  Because people can't trust girls who lie.

The TV situation - there's a volume control and an off button.  If you don't adjust the volume when asked, I will adjust the off button.  

Seriously, YOU are the parent and need to act like it.  If the reaction to setting out the paints is unreasonable, then maybe she's too tired to paint and should go rest for awhile.  She could ask you POLITELY to not mess w/ her layout - but screaming and throwing a fit is a quick trip to time out in our house.

Answer 8

Here is the simple truth of the matter: Your the parent, she is the child.  You must talk to her, let her know that what she is doing is unacceptable and if she does not behave like you have asked, there will be consequences, period.

Answer 9

Sounds like you have tried reasoning, loving despite bad behaviour, etc, I highly recommend now trying some tough love.

Your daughter needs to learn that this is not acceptable behaviour, and she needs to learn it quickly, or she will end up lonely with no freinds and no one will trust her. This is a recipe for depression later in her life (teen)

Give her some consequences, have a family meeting and give real consequences that are going to make a difference.

For example, for poor behaviour on the phone, no phone use for the week. For stealing a 20$ bill, doing chores to the value of 20$. For stealing a expensive necklace, no play, bath dinner and bed for the rest of the week, no TV or ANYTHING/

Make the rules and stick to them. She is manipulating you and it needs to stop. Imagine her as a teenager, following this path of stealing and lying, it is not going to be pretty then.