What do you do if you know that an ex is causing emotional harm to your kids?

Question

We have a half and half split custody arrangement, one week with us, one week with her. She has two extra step kids, plus she's pregnant, and when our three girls come home, they're completely starved for attention. Obviously so! Their mom isn't a bad person necessarily, she just doesn't have time to actually spend with the kids. And once the baby is born? It's only going to get worse.

They cling and whine and misbehave. The middle child is now resorting to violence, and the oldest withdraws and won't talk to us about what's bothering her.

I'm writing this as a step-mom, obviously. The mother absolutely hates me, hates that I have a good relationship with the kids, and drags me through the dirt whenever possible. She won't talk to us about what goes on at her house so we're basically in the dark, unless it's something the kids bring up. She blatantly refuses to listen to how we deal with problems, and the poor kids have no consistency in their lives.

How do we deal with this? I firmly believe that kids should have both parents in their lives, but these kids don't know which way is up. It takes us the whole week to get them back on an even emotional keel, and then the cycle starts over again.

But would the courts listen to us about this? There's no obvious physical abuse. And she's their mother. Is there anyway they would give us full custody?

What kind of proof do we need? What can we do to give these kids the emotional balance and support they need when their mom refuses to take us into consideration?

Answer 1

I have to agree with Baloney and Grandma.  Perhaps if you show a bit more sympathy toward the birth mom, she will show more to you.

Your chances of sole custody are zero, but your chances of improving the situation are good--provided you take the blinders off and learn how to see beyond your own narrow perspective.  Parents who can't see past, "It's all her fault/his fault" make me sick.

Answer 2

pop a cap in her a$$

Answer 3

Dearie, we aren't trying to be hurtful, but your question does throw a little mud on the birth mother, yes it does!

You are not going to freeze her out of custody.  What you have to do is reach deep into your reserves and find a way to treat her with the same respect with which you would like to be treated.  Right now your short-sightedness is part of the problem.  You have to get over it, dear.  Whether you like it or not, this woman is your partner in raising these children.  The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can start healing the wounds.

There are two sides to every story.  What do you think she is saying about you?  Don't you think that would change if you started according her some respect?  I do!

Tony Baloney's comment about the pot calling the kettle black is right on the money.  Sorry if it hurts, but sometimes the truth hurts.

Answer 4

She "drags you through the dirt," does she?  Oh my!

No, you won't get full custody.  You will have to learn to make the best of it.  Talking down the birth mother doesn't help.

Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!

It is time for you to be part of the solution for these children instead of part of the problem.

Answer 5

Keep a complete record by starting today..what the children did today and their moods. Do you have a Parenting plan that shows the way the parents agreed to raise the children? Do you have a Guardian Ad Litem for the children? Have the childrens behavior documented by a Professional Councilor or Psychologist (Young children can be monitored). This is the documentation that you would need for any type of change in the current custodial arrangement.  I am glad that you are stepping up and attempting to help keep the children in an emotional balance. It sounds like Mom is overwhelmed at the moment but I am sure that she still loves her children but everyone needs to keep the most important part in the foremost of our thoughts and that is What is in the Best Interest for the Children... Good Luck in the future..