What do you do if you know your lifes ruined & stigmad for ever ? - everyone rejecting you ?

Question

i honestly feel my life, my hope is over.......in the area where i live, people treat me strangely....are aloof and distant with me.......exchange of glances when i walk in a shop for eg..

i try to go on with dignity and honour as i have done for a while but its getting to hard.. hard to keep doing that..

i have felt estranged and alienated from society most of my adult life now.

im 30 and have endured some very tough times, i was bulied, abused , victimised all my life.......have a minor criminal record.......been in a psyche hospital......suffered head injuries.

its hard to explain everything thats happened but i have suffered severley and missed out on life big time.

never studied or gained qualifications......never been employed......never formed any relationships because of severe low self esteem and clingyness......plus volatile low moods.

ive suffered rage all my adult life due to excessive bullying and victimisation....pent up anger

i have bpd and ptsd......i used to have rage outbursts in public, where i caused alot of public embarressment and humiliation upon myself......cause my self to be the object of ridicule.....and attacks off criminal types.

i stay in most of the time because i struggle with rage feelings,....and extreme anxiety.....ive dealt with paranoia for a long time to that im being personally singled out and ostracised.....

i feel theres some truth to that because people still treat me very aloof and stand offish.....i get condescended and patronised alot like there telling me they think that ' i dont no who iam '

either that or its this feel sorry for me , i pitty you...your a charity case type approach......which i reject all the time..

i really dont trust people anymore, thats the bbottom line....people have been extremely cruel and very brutal to me..

im very wary....distrustful....quick to misenterpret or become defensive or aggressive....feel under attack from people alot.

i have a mental health past.......rage episodes in public.....time in a psyche hospital.( sectioned )......a minor criminal record 8 years ago.

i have nothing, no possessions except an old dusty computer....live in a 1 bedroom flat on disability......i own nothing........no carpets on the floor...an old bed etc.

i have torn ankle ligaments, due to an injury a year ago...waiting for treatment.....was told it will take quite a long time to heal...have to be careful how i walk or else i can easily go over........i feel like a freakin cripple..

what keeps me going through this darkness, my only goal in life, is to get a good paying computer job.....then to leave england emigrate in the future near the coast because i like the ocean..

what chance do i have at that though at my disadvantages ? , plus when most people seem to rejecting...laughing and ostracising me ?

i dont know how to deal with this behaviour and mind games from people except to be aggressive with them and shout them down or out of my presence..

ive took so much from people....i now exist as this vagabond loner, ( not by choice ) - who just wants to go his own way and make his dreams happen..

everynight i sit here in my 1 bedroom flat, hating the existence i live in, knowing its going t take a long time and be very difficult to change...

if i knew how, if i had the life skills, or knew what to do...and was sure of where to go......i would leave the uk tommorrow to try for a fresh start..

but for now i feel trapped.....im overweight....so im determined to diet....use my bike , try to get fit.....im balding....have a lived in look on my face...d**n

but i refuse to give in...i want to achieve those goals - what am i going to do ?

Answer 1

I have been forced to pretend.

I still feel terrified most of the time, but I'm pretty sure nobody knows. I think everyone is staring, everyone is laughing. I just keeping reassuring myself that it is not the case, nobody knows how I feel.

I have 2 personalities. Me: scared, shy, ridiculed, depressed, paranoid. Me at work: confident, friendly, outgoing.

It's a big scam. I am not what I appear to be. If anyone I work with saw me away from my office, they would never believe I was the same person. Also, on answers, I feel anonymous. Nobody knows who I am REALLY.

My dream is to be near the ocean as well. I feel trapped by mountains here. The ocean understands. It is not judgmental, and at the beach I feel like I'm home.

Answer 2

Good evening,

Sounds like you've had a pretty harsh life where you are now retaliating as a result when you go out, and at the same time you have become a recluse. I’m no expert this sort of thing but you have to make a start at improving your life somewhere. But in order to do this you will have to out the effort in, (regardless of whether it pains you to do it), and make that first step tomorrow.

If your life is as true as you describe it where you appear to have been ostracised and regarded as a possible outcast by the local community you will have to prove them wrong, but do it for your own reasons and because you alone want to - not for other people. Let them notice and observe you are starting to change and improve.

The first thing is to get involved in an activity to occupy your self which involves meeting other people and making some aquaintances and friends, in order to help bring out your social skills and to get on with other people. An activity such as some sort of voluntary work would be an easy start - even though it does not sound too exciting I know, but it’s the beginning. Remember you'll be building from the ground up, and from here the only way is up. So instead of thinking you have no choice but to retreat back into your own comfort zone, (your 1 bedroomed flat - did you know there are homeless people who would love to be in your place?), try your best to get back out there, get involved with some sort of communal activity of some type, (I cannot give any suggestions unfortunately - look on the internet) which will then progress you to a position in life you will be more happy with, and also try to make some friends along the way. You'll eventually start to be viewed by others with more respect and higher regard as they do their so called 'exchange of glances' you mentioned. Life really is not as bad as you describe, provided you are willing to do something about it. Even though you say you have had an awful past, do not dwell on it, and try your best just to look ahead, (like the computer job you mentioned), and be positive.

I hope I have not come across as a lecturer, but sometimes being assertive is what's needed to give people that nudge they need.

Take care and I  things WILL get better for you soon.

All the best

Miles

Answer 3

do someting about it get your life on track if you want to achive al of this sitting around and doing nothing about it! :)

Answer 4

You need to take the bull by the horns and go out and do exactly what you want.

You probably have more life skills than as they are somethingu  you gain from experience not just have.

All those things you want like dieting just do it who is there to stop you. once your happy with yourself you wont notice or care what others think

Answer 5

you post the same thing time after time after time ... same advice as the countless other times youve posted the same thing

im guessing you also try to tell people you know all of this aswell ... ( would you like to be around some one who was constantly whining about how terrible their life was? ).. a lot of folk have rough lifes some a lot worse than yours but they get on with life and dont use it as an excuse to behave as they want too .. stop finding excuses and get over yourself, believe it or not people dont owe you anything they are not put on this earth to offer you anything, life does not owe you anything ... anything achieved in life has to be earned.

i doubt that you are actually looking for advice or help... merely looking for some one to agree with you that its ok to wallow in your own self pity and looking for folk to feel sorry for you... i say this because of the amount of posts saying the exact same things over and over again ... also by the answers you pick...

news flash ... as youve been told time and time again its not ok to wallow in self pity...

stop being so agressive to people and they will react better towards you... stop walking around with a chip on your shoulder...start thinking not of what others can or should do for you but what you can do for them. start focusing on the good things in life. stop blameing others or situations or disorders for your own short comings... your lack of education is something you can choose to remedy... your anger to the world is something you can choose to remedy... your selfishness is something you can choose to remedy ( quote ... i have no one except my aging ill mother......who cant do much for me no more... err why should she be expected to do anything for you????) your teeth is something you can choose to remedy...

get a dentist enroll in night classes learn some anger managment find a hobby, exersise ( this can be done at home initially if it makes you more comftable ) do some charity work, and buy your poor mum some flowers or make her a thank you card.

your life is something that you consistantly choose... and untill you choose to accept actual real advice and make changes it will continue the same as its always been. stop looking for vindication of your behaviour and start looking at how to change it. stop feeling so sorry for yourself and take steps to make changes

im guessing that once again you will choose to listen to folk that offer you the pity and the vindication your looking for instead of an answer that actually gives you some wake up and smell the roses, constructive advice