What do you do when the older sibling gets upset with you for displining your younger child?

Question

Today my daughter (8 years old) was going to school. I was nursing my 8 month old who bite me. I yelled out... that was unexpected and hurt! I looked at him and said NO. He started to cry and cry. I think I over reacted, but I didn't have time to think about what I could have done differently because my daughter came up with her boots on and said, 'MOM, you don't yell at a baby. I am coming to school and not coming back'. And she left for the bus stop. I get it. She is mad. I think I DID over react, but I am not willing to tolerate the attitude she gave me. I am the mom and I have not yet decided what I will do when she comes home. I will meet her while sitting on the steps and tell her in no uncertain terms that I deserve the same respect she gives her teacher and to apologize to me. Should I punish this? She says that she is not part of the family anymore, so I can't tell if she is really feeling left out or just playing the victim (she is dramatic). What would you do?

Answer 1

Ok this situation is a big hard to think of how to handle. First of all, are these your only two children? Your older child is probably feeling a bit left out.  When a young child comes into the mix and you are used to having all the attention, it is hard for them to understand why they are not as important anymore.  Also, she probably didnt really like the fact that the baby got so upset. You may have overreacted with the baby a bit because their feelings get hurt really bad at that age, and you may have scared but the baby and your older child. I think that you need to find time to sit your older child down and talk to her. Dont punish her this time. Give her your undivided attention without leaving her for the baby and just talk to her and see how she is feeling. You probably need to see about setting aside some mommy and her time and spend time with her every evening doing something fun. Talk to her about how needs to respect you but at the same time explain to her that the baby needs more attention because he cant take care of himself and make sure to reassure her that even though there is a new little one in the family that you still love her very much. See if there is something you can do to make her feel more included...make her mommy's little helper and set aside small things she can do helping you with the baby, making dinner, etc. Things she will enjoy and think are fun! Good luck!:)

Answer 2

-" I over reacted"

-"I didn't have time to think about what I could have done differently "

-"I am not willing to tolerate..."

-"...tell her in no uncertain terms..."

And you say, "she is dramatic". Hello! You are showing her how to be a very rigid, explosive person.

She sounds like she has a big heart along with the attitude she learned from you.

Tell her, "thanks for worrying about your brother, we need to have better communication in our family." Tell her that leaving like that is a mean threat and not the way your family operates (Though I bet you've slammed some doors and left in a huff pleeeeeeeeenty of times, mom).

Kids don't respect hypocrisies.

Answer 3

I think your son was crying more because your yelling out in pain startled him than your telling him no upset him. I don't know what the situation is around your home as far as whether or not your daughter is justified in feeling left out but her attitude was uncalled for. You need to talk to her and explain that you know what is best for both of your children, and although you weren't yelling at the baby it is not her place to tell you what to do or not to do. Make sure she understands this and ask for an apology. If she refuses or continues to say that you were wrong then yes she should be punished. As you said you are the parent and she needs to show you respect. Especially if this is an on going attitude issue. I know that when my son was born, my stepdaughter had just turned 9. We tried to spend extra time with her so she wouldn't feel left out but that just ended up as when she got in trouble she would say "You love the baby more than me that's why I get yelled at for everything and you never yell at him" to try and get out of punishment (he was 6 months old at the time so of course we never yelled at him) . I really think your daughter is just playing the victim. Make sure though that you are not treating her differently than you did before the baby.  If she is anything like my daughter, when she gets in trouble she will try to make you feel guilty so that you don't punish her.

Answer 4

I would spank her bare bottom hard and treat her like a baby by making her wear nothing but a diaper, unless she wants to play outside then nothing at all from the time she gets home from school till the time she gets up the next morning for school, and tell her she'll stay like that untill she behaves and make her wet and p**p her diaper.

Answer 5

I think I would sit her down and tell her.... " While it's very nice that you are sticking up for your sibling, and  you're right...mommy shouldn't have yelled at the baby...but you did something wrong too, you're a little girl and you are not allowed to talk to the mommy like that."

And just to reinforce it "We both did the wrong thing and we should both apologize"...her to you and you to the baby...??

I dont' think it requires a "punishment" ...but it most certainly needs to be addressed.

*****It might also help to let her know that you yelled because you were in pain...not because you were mad or whatever.

Answer 6

I think I would talk to her after school and tell her that you are the parent and she is the child.  Therefor what you say goes.  End of the story.  Next time though I would address the situation immediately.  Don't let her leave your sight until she understands how this parent/child relationship works.    She doesn't have to like it, but she is WAY too big for her britches if she thinks she can tell you how to parent.  I'd warn her this time, but next she talks back, yes, I would punish her.  I wouldn't stand for the dramatic act either.

Answer 7

Just talk to her & explain to her that sometimes when things suprise you.. you react in a way you wouldn't normally, but for her to react the way she did was worse than what you did..

Just because you may have disappointed her, she can't just "LEAVE" the family.. lol, She just needs to talk to.. Her age is a real impressionable age. & often she'll just tell you things to test your reactions.. but at the time I think she really thought you were wrong. She'll probably get over it by the time she gets home.. Good luck w/the talk.

Answer 8

I wouldn't be mad at  or punish your daughter that will send her the wrong message that you shouldn't speak up when you see something wrong and really she should. It's okay as an adult to admit when you are wrong to your kids. It sets a good example. She may have approached it with the wrong attitude but she is only 8 she doesn't know ettiquette.

If it were me I would sit her down and tell her that you are sorry you over reacted when he bit you and that she was right, it wasn't the right thing to do and you are glad she felt she could speak up but from now on she should use a better tone when she has a problem with something you did because she needs to show respect. Not to mention, she is 8 so while this is in your mind, I am sure by the time she gets home she will not be so concerned with it anymore. Her reaction was knee jerk just like yours so really you both had the same reaction. It's a little late now to give a punishment for the attitude and you don't want to punish her for speaking up about what she knows is right and wrong, you just want to guide her to the correct way to voice her feelings.

Answer 9

I'm not sure that I'd punish her. She is showing a great deal of backbone given her age, and I think it's great that you've raised a daughter who has a huge amount of empathy & really looks out for "the little man" while putting her own neck on the line.

I would be having a talk with her about her approach to the matter because while it was great for her to stand up to you to look after her sibling she didn't handle it in the best of ways

Answer 10

I would sit down and talk WITH her. Let her know that Yes, you did overreact because it hurt at the moment. There will be plenty more times identical to that, however, her opinion is taken and important, but ultimately she should use respect when talking to you. Right now, she is being overdramatic and no need for punishment, but you are warning her not to use that tone again.

Answer 11

Hello!!, To answer your question. You have to understand that you are her mother and not her friend. No eight year old should ever talk to you in such way because she is practically a baby and knows very little about life. You should definitely dicipline her now before it's too late because if you don't she will start disrespecting you more and more as time goes on, especially when she becomes a TEENAGER. As for the 8 month old, dicipline starts now as well. You don't have to punish the baby yet because he is too young, but let him know what is right and wrong, just like you did today, so that he doesn't turn out like your daughter. No offense. and don't worry about whether he will cry or not, just ignore him because most children cry to get attention and it usually works. As a result they become spoiled and talk back. I hope this helps.

Answer 12

......its sibling love, it happens you should be happy that the elder child is so caring towards younger child, i am the youngest in my home i love my sis she is always supportive to me if mom scolds me my sis tries to cool down my mom, and yes if i am not able to understand my mom sometime, my sis tells me i am wrong and asks me to say sorry to mom.

Just give a hug to your daughter says sorry (if you are kind and loving to your children they will learn from you how to give respect for elders)

Answer 13

Your reaction to the baby biting you was perfectly normal, and perhaps the baby learns from it that it is not okay to bite. So nothing for your daughter to get upset about.

Her attitude may have to do with the arrival of a little brother, which treatens her former role as the only center of your attention. By "moving out" she demonstrates that she thinks you don't care about her, and cries out for your attention. I would talk calmly with her when she returns from school, telling her that you love her and very much want her to be part of the family; that she can move out when she is old enough to sustain herself, but that in the meantime she has to put up with the family as there is, and has to be cooperative. Tell her that the next time she tells you such stupid things with an attitude to threaten you, you will punish her. Then hopefully she is ready to hug and make up.

Answer 14

You are the parent

Answer 15

You shoudl discipline her to. honestly just tell her that it suprised you and that you werent expecting it and because of it it cause you to react differently and unexpectedly than use an example to explain it to her like when you stub your towe you yell but u dont hahve time to think what your yelling?, and tell her i dont appriciate how you talk to me,a nd you should leave the parenting to mommy

Answer 16

Your daughter was surprised & does not understand, so when she comes home, she will see your son is ok, sit w/her & just explain that the pain also surprised (& hurt) you..etc. she will understand & this will begin to create compassion within her character. I have the opposite problem, my 15 yr old son loves it when our 13 yr old daughter is disciplined cuz its rare for her..& constant for him...she is better behaved..funny. The ins & outs of raising kids are enuf to make us crazee people ! !  have fun w/them - it goes by super fast !  ÃƒÂ¢Ã‚™Â¥

I don't know who went thru & gave all the thumbs down, but eveyone is entitled to an opinion & you need to get a life !!!