What do you do when they wont help themselves?

Question

My kids father refuses to own up to the fact that he has failed himself and is now failing his kids. He thinks he was so responsible for going and filing with the courts to set up child support and visitations. (Thus so he could start after 4 years of not paying, help pay for his kids.) Yet, he has not started paying or paying correctly. This has been ordered now for almost a year. We went to court last week and now he is making it out that I am doing this all to him. They have ordered supervised visitations due to neglect, which he blames me for the fact he slept while he had them. Now he wont even make the appropriate phone calls to set up the court ordered supervised visitations. My kids are the ones who are suffering now because they want to see him, but he wont get a job and help out or pay for his half of the visitations. What should I do? My kids mean the world to me.

Answer 1

Sadly, there is nothing you can do. My ex didn't pay support or see his son for years. You cannot force someone to be a parent.  All you can do is everything you can do on your end to take care of your child.  It is going to be hard, I won't lie to you. But the law cannot force him to pay, if he refuses to work (trust me on this, I lived it for about 10 years). You can just hope and pray he comes around someday. My son is 13 and his father just began to pay support and see him this year.  Good luck for you.

Answer 2

If your kids mean the world to you then stop acting like this. I had a horrible divorce and I made sure that NO MATTER WHAT I never said a bad thing about the father. I didn't get child support either but that doesn't mean he can't see his kids. There is NO court that says he has to PAY to SEE his children. They say he has to pay you to help support them but they aren't a circus act, he doesn't have buy a ticket (give you money) to get into the show.

I never let my kids know what was going on because I knew they would figure out on their own when they were old enough to do so and they did. I always told them that I loved them and I loved their dad when we got married. I even told them funny things about him. I HATED him but my kids didn't know it and they didn't carry MY BAGGAGE around with them while they were trying to grow up. If he showed up and it was arranged, he got to see them. If not, I made other plans.

NOW...you aren't going to have to take care of your kids for the rest of your life. They will grow up in the next 15 years and it is your responsibility to work around that. If he says he's going to show up and he doesn't and you and hubbie #2 have plans without the kids, either have a back up plan for them  or ....oh well, your kids come first! Marrying Mr. Looser the first time was your fault not your kids. I'm happy for you and your children that you have a great guy in your life. Enjoy that and stop belly aching and crying about what "he won't do" . He's building his own relationship with HIS children you are building your own with YOUR children. If he blows it OH WELL, I stopped worrying about what my ex was doing, my kids didn't see him for almost 5 years and now they have an ok relationship with him but it is nothing compared to what I have. So live your life with your kids, leave the jerk alone, let the state chase him down for the $$ stop thinking that he has to pay to see his kids, he doesn't, hopefully he'll straighten up but it doesn't sound like it, kiss the c**p good by and have a nice life with a wonderful new man!

Whew.....sorry I get off on a tangent sometimes but there is so much to learn in just sitting back and enjoying what you have instead of wasting time and energy (that you could use on your new family)  on some looser that you are never going to change! Why would you want your kids to be like him anyway?  Good Luck~

Answer 3

Have you thought about the Big Brothers/Big Sister's program? I don't know if you have sons or daughters, but they definitely need a positive male role model in their lives if their father can't (or won't) be that for them. Some people never learn to take personal responsibility for their lives or actions. I'm sorry to hear about it, especially when children suffer because of this sad fact. Find someone you can trust to show them that men aren't all bad.

Answer 4

you do everything to train the children's right. be tough. if they do not listen ,tack the television away from theme till do Wat you ask them to do.do not let them go with the Friends till is don.

Answer 5

There's not much you can do but first let me tell you what NOT to do.  Don't bad mouth the sorry so & so in front of the kids.  One day they will be grown & know the truth for themselves.  Don't buy into this blaming c**p.  It's about his s***w ups not yours.  Don't let yourself go crazy trying to change it.  You can't - it's not about you.  

As for what you can do - be there for the kids, be supportive, heal the hurt the best you can with understanding & when they ask you why thell them truthfully that you don't know - you wish you could change it just like they do but you can't.

My boys grew up the same way.  A couple of years ago their father asked their stepfather what he could do to get closer to his kids.  Despite the fact that he was told to "do things with them" (they are now 34 & 32) he still has made little effort & they have learned to live with it.  Stepdad will be standing up @ the eldest boys wedding this fall & dad (who he's named after - the 3rd, actually) will be sitting this one out.

Stay strong - it is what it is.

Answer 6

Document everything. Show that he is neglecting to his duty that he fought for. Go back to court and try to get him to sign away his rights. Your children will be better off without him, since he can not seem to come to terms with his responsibilities. He probably only started the court ordered things to avoid your new husband from adopting them. After you get him to sign his rights away, ask your husband to adopt them since he clearly plays more of a father role to them. Good luck.

Answer 7

I agree with drwatson's post here, and would like to add a few things:

You and your husband should just keep pluggin' away at doing the best you can for your kids.  When your ex cancels visits, or just doesn't set them up, kindly and gently explain to your kids that unfortunately, it is out of your hands, and the courts (a judge for more simple terms) has the right to order what HE feels is best to keep your children safe, because that is his primary concern, and that although he has made your ex's responsibility clear, your ex just - "for some reason" doesn't seem to be able to do what he needs to do, in order for the judge to let HIM come to see them.    

Do NOT 'blame' your ex, do NOT bring up the $$ issue (unless you and your husband are destitute - then, although many 'experts' would advise you against saying anything, I found that a simple "i'm sorry honey, we just don't have the money to get that right now, but if your dad is able to help like the judge thinks he should, then we'll see" can work wonders to put the ball back in his court, and this will also help your kids realize when they're older - that you did your part).  

If you and your husband make plans by yourself, because your kids are to be with their dad - - ALWAYS have a back-up plan, so you can always (most always) include your kids, and they will never feel like they're an imposition, or like you don't want to spend time with them.

It'll all work out honey, just have faith and do YOUR best.

Answer 8

You would be much better off to just write him out of the story.

He is a poor example, so as a role model he is worthless.

All the fighting in and out of court is just making you stress over your life, when you should be using your time and energy spending good times, quality times with your children.  He will never take responsibility for himself.  If you think you are going to change him now....?  that is just wishful thinking.  If you were still married to him, it might be remotely possible to encourage responsibility by rewarding him with lots of love and happy attention.  But since you are not a couple any more and the love and joy of children has NOT made him into a better person, it is not going to happen.  Some day, when he grows up and has money, you might be able to go back to court and sue him for all that back child support.  Until then, my advice to you is find a better role model for your children.Grandpa, Uncle, Godfather, Friend... somebody who will spend quality time with you and them... without expecting a sexual relationship with you.  For now, you might want to just focus on that.  No boyfriends to add to the confusion.  Those stepfathers can mean more trouble for your children.  It may not sound wonderful to you, but for right now, you need to UNCOMPLICATE your life and focus on raising them.  Once they are old enough to help you with household chores, and understand why Mom needs a boyfriend, then your life can move forward.  Tell this "father" you don't care who is to blame, you don't care what he says about you, but you will not do his job for him.  If he wants the rewards of fatherhood, he must pay the price... just like you pay the price.  Don't let him get under your skin.  You can be perfectly happy without him.

Answer 9

EVERY 1 IS BRAT CUZ OF YOU, YOU BRAT

J/K I DONT KNOW WHAT 2 TELL U SRY