What do you do when your g/f allows her 5 year old to continue to sleep in Moms bed?

Question

I have been seeing this woman for a few years now. Her daughter used to sleep in her own bed until she was 3. Now its a nightly occurance for the child to sleep in moms bed. Its very upsetting to me on many levels. Of course the whole intimacy thing exists or lack thereof. I am tired of being "bannished" to the guest room. I have been a part of this childs life since she was 18 mo. old. Its not like she hasnt seen me there at the house many mornings. When I have this discussion with my g/f her repsonse has been, when the child is ready she will sleep in her own room -- or she doesnt mind the child sleeping in her bed. Well, I DO! And besides the obvious lack of quiet adult time I feel its a hindrance to the childs development in independance. A couple of nights ago the child was sent to her room and told she would sleep there for the night. The child cried and then began screaming I NEED YOU MOMMY. I must be approaching the issue incorrectly. Any help on a new approach?

Answer 1

im really sorry your having this problam

maybe you suggest that the mom falls asleep with the child in the childrens room then you to can have your quiet time together.

maybe you guys could move her into her room once she falls asleep. my mom tried that when my sister was the same age cause she has seperation anxiety,it worked for awhile, and sense my dad isnt home much it doesnt matter [my sis is 10 and still sleeps in my parents bed] and while my dad is home she sleeps in my bed. i dont mind because she gets panic attacks.

hope this helps

really talk to your gf about you issue

Answer 2

Well, you're not married to her, so she can do what she wants with her daughter.

It's gross that she has you for sleepovers with an innocent child at home anyway.

Answer 3

Have a chat with her (the mom) and see if she really wants her daughter to sleep in her own bed.  If she really really does then she'll need to stick to a plan and be committed.  It's not going to happen overnight, but what she needs to do is everytime her daughter gets up and tries to get into bed with she'll have to take her back to her own room.  Even when she's dead tired she'll need to do this.  Maybe start on her weekend if she works because I'm sure she'll be kept up with crying, etc.  She cannot back down from this or once she gives in the whole process will start over again.  I am assuming that you aren't there 100% of the time and the mom doesn't mind her daughter sleeping in her room, but she needs to do this even when you're not there if she wants it to work.  It may take a week or two, but eventually she'll just stop coming over to the bed.  You guys will just have to be firm and patient, but try not to be too harsh or yell at her it will only make it worse.  I know that's hard when you're tired, but trust me it will go much smoother if you try to remain calm.  

Maybe get her a sticker sheet and give her a sticker for each night she stays in bed.  When she's stayed there for 5 nights or whatever maybe her mom can take her somewhere special alone like to a fun lunch place, a theme park or something else that she will enjoy.  That way it will give her more time with her mom that she thinks she's missing by not being in the same bed.

Answer 4

If you don't like it, you can leave. But that child does need her mommy, and if the mommy believes that this is ok, then she makes that decision. There is nothing you can do.

You could talk to your GF about maybe finding time to spend together after her daughter is asleep for the night. Alone time and intimacy does not have to be confined to the bed at night.

You can work through this and find a compromise without forcing the child to sleep without her mother when she is not ready. Your concerns for the child's development are invalid, as she will have a greater and more secure independence when she is allowed to grasp it on her own, not forced into it.

Answer 5

The issue isn't about her being 'ready'  (I have a 5 yr old girl as well)  Its that the child KNOWS she can!  If mommy lets her sleep with her, why would she want to sleep in her own bed?  I think its mommy that has the problem, not the kid.  You need to face it straight and tell the kid no.  Tell your girlfriend no as well.  If you live there (even if its only 80 percent of the time)  you do have a right, especially if you are a father figure.  Of course discuss it with the mom first, but by all means stand ground.  It is in no way fair to you.  A 5 year old in your bed is absolutely rediculous.  If she screams at night tell her to shut her mouth and go to sleep.  She is just playing the part her mother has given her.

Answer 6

As long as you're the boyfriend, your place is in the guest room anyway.  This is frustrating, but it goes away; it doesn't last forever.  You said she's 5 right?  Oy, she's a baby.  This is important to her.  Who knows why.  Maybe it's because her father doesn't live there anymore.  Don't forget one parent is one half of their world.  Maybe it's because you're sleeping over now.  Change is huge.  Maybe it's nightmares, fear, or just a maddening bad habit.  The point is it doesn't matter.  Sorry, thumb away - - but her needs trump yours.  I'm sure your still getting yours.

I'll tell you something else that worries me.  Way rockier roads than this lie ahead.  A stepparent has to be unselfish, patient, accepting and humble, assuming this is a serious relationship.  There's a lot of back seat to occupy, it's no role for the insecure or selfish.  I'm not calling you selfish or insecure.  You're clearly brand new to this.  I'm just saying if you are, you might want to rethink things.  Takes a special kind of person to be successful at this role.

- - - - - -

Add on:  Okay, I get that, and we all know that smirk.  But again, you're dating a family, not just her.  And if her parenting skills dont mesh with yours, and she's creating a monster, or she doesn't see through her child's brattiness, your frustration isn't going to get any better.

Answer 7

I had the same experience with a girl friend only her child was a boy. Yes it got to the point of ridiculous and yes I was also banished to the basement where Mom would sneak off to after her son had gone to sleep. We had many a conversation about this and it never sunk in with her. My guess is that he is about 30 years old now and still sharing the bed with her. I talked until I was blue in the face to no avail. It was then that I told her I was getting my own place and I wouldn't be back to share the expenses any longer. The End.

Answer 8

I think your G/F is creating problems for her child as well as you. She needs to sleep in her own bed. Maybe you shold try asking her why she would rather sleep with mommy, maybe she's scared of somthing. Also I think you should talk to your girl about her creating a co-dependant daughter. Why does she want to feel so un conditionally needed. And if thats the case try and fill that void. Whatever you do get that girl out of your bed. let her cry she will be fine, Im sure she will realize my parents love me but need there space. You can also try to send her to bed earlier than you so by the time yall go to bed she's already asleep.

Answer 9

looks like mom is looking for an excuse not to sleep with you. Dump that be-ach cuz if this is happening now what happens later? Don't have kids with this woman, cuz you alreadyknow what kind of codependent, insecure relationships she likes to nourish.  Good luck getting rid of this "woman."

I am a married woman and my husband and I agreed a long time ago, that our bed is our bed, no kids in the bed, and we often wake up having s*x so I CAN NOT imagine what would happen if our daughter was in bed with us.....obviously a whole lot of nothin'!!! (that is simply not tolerable between loving couples and happy families)

After reading your updates, I would urge you to look within yourself and discover the source of the reason why you are with this woman. This didn't begin when the baby was three, this has always occurred and becuase it is affecting your s*x life, you are currently frustrated with the co dependent behavior of your g/f. Please for your own sake be by yourself and build your self esteem so that the next woman you gravitate to will be more secure healthy and hopefully childless!!

Answer 10

It is more like this- When MOM is ready to let go and make her child sleep in her own room she will. The mom needs to realize her daughter is old enough to be on her own. She also needs to prioritize- is her daughter sleeping in the bed with her more important than her relationship with you? There is no easy wait to approach the subject. Just tell her flat out things have to change and talk about it.

Answer 11

dude iam sorry  i do understand  where your comeing from but on the other hand   i have to say  her mother is doing the right thing  i take it you are the boy friend who came in to  a ready made famliy and the mom is doing  what her instintive mothing tells her if you had your own child in bllod  believe me  that child would come first  she is right   her child must have insucurity issues and needs  to have that sucurity with her mom i dont know all the surcomstances but  its not that the mother is putting you aside  iam sure she is haveing a hard time with this because she is put between  her daughter and the man she wants to be with  and please dont make her choose  between you or her daughter her daughter as she get more sucure with you and feels safe  that you are not takeing her mother away she will  in time sleep in her own room againplease give it time  if her mother is worth it to you and the daughter  as far as when she was young childern dont reconize  a  some one else its when they get older      try  as long as it takes to get closer to her daughter  she needs  sucurity in the whole situation the adult time you have been missing tryfinding other loveing moments like when her daughter is napping  or at a friends  there are ways to make it work  until she gets old enough

Answer 12

Is she YOUR daughter...as the girl obviously has

some issues with you...and before you get charged

with something unpleasant, I would cut my losses

and run !

Answer 13

Dump her.