What do you do when your husband tells you he thought marriage would be different, that he thought....?

Question

you would make him happier and more engaged in life, when he constantly focuses on what he's not getting out of the relationship, regardless of the good or your feelings? What do I do when this has been going on for over a year, we've been to counseling and I'm 8 1/2 months pregnant? He's not cheating, but somehow it might be easier if he was. It has affected my work, my friendships, and my relationship with my family. What do I do? I'm in tears regularly, but madly in love with him. I feel like part of me is dying.

Answer 1

Are you sure he is not cheating? Look I know it might be hard for you right now and you think that I can not feel what your feeling, but are you sure he's not. If my husband was to tell me that and that I've been putting all of my love, my happiness, my strength and all I can give him and he comes out with he thought marriage would be different, I would think either he's cheating on me or he is thinking about cheating on me.

Now my husband isn't here with me and I haven't seen him in like 3 months. I miss him so much. I am 4 months pregnant and all I do is hope that my husband isn't cheating on me where ever he might be, but it's not healthy for me to think about this because whatever I feel, my baby will feel.

Please you might be sad and you are definitly depressed but you should be stronger. You say that it would be easier if he cheated on you but if he did and you knew this would it make you feel much better, would you feel happy? What ever you are doing it's making you feel worse and your baby will feel it too.

Answer 2

How long were you both in counseling? It must not have been very long.  He is emotionally abusing you.  The worst of it is that you are continuing to live with him and you are allowing him to derail your self esteem and apparently every aspect of your life.

You need to take control of this situation before it gets worse.  You are pregnant now and I realize your hormones are flying everywhere and the desire is for you to stay with your man.  But you need to consider that what you have here is not a good place for you and baby.

It sounds to me like he wants out and is not going to get out but is going to continue to belittle you and possibly, if he's not already, begin to see other women on the side.

Get back into counseling as soon as possible and begin to understand why you are putting up with this.  Could you leave now for a while? Do you have somewhere to go, relatives, friends? This kind of emotional turmoil is no place to care for a new baby.  Your new baby needs you to be emotionally stable and calm, if not it will effect it.

Please consider finding somewhere to go possibly or at least please get back into counseling for now.  You need the support of someone who you can trust you will back you up when you feel lost and worthless.  You are not.  

A part of you is dying, its your self esteem and the part of you that feels power.  But you don't have to let it die, you aren't powerless.  Find some support, in counseling and possibly a place to go where you feel safe and loved.  This is not it and you and the baby are going to need that.  Forget about his needs as he's apparently already forgotten about yours.

Answer 3

You should talk to him and ask him what did he expect from marriage really?  Maybe he feels like he doesn't have enough affection or something in that order, maybe he felt he would be treated with a higher regard.  You don't want your husband to cheat on you, that's terrible to say.  You both have to work at things to keep each other happy, and that's really all it's about.  It can't be one sided.  He is supposed to be your partner for life, and unless you have changed drastically since the day you tied the knot I think he's being selfish.  Explain your only human and can only do so much.  Work on changin what you humanly can but don't bend over backwards.  

Answer 4

He could be full of regrets. But ask him what he wants or the way forward for the marriage, just to know his thoughts. You may want to continue with counselling.

Answer 5

Marriage is not about one person.  It is a partnership and he sounds like he is being selfish.

Linda

Answer 6

Join the club...in the same boat.  I just drink myself into oblivion, although I know you cant because you are preg.  Just have the baby and then drink into oblivion.  it helps.

Answer 7

You married an ****, let's face it. We can't get it right all the time but face it you lucked out with this moron.He is Mr. Oh what do I want? Immaturity personified basically. Get out , make sure he pays his dues and avoid his type for ever more.

Answer 8

its obvious he has the problem why would he put all this on his pregnant wife and offer no solutions is he looking to resolve the matter i guess so since your going to consoling but who's idea was it to go. ask him how you could make him happier, and tell him how he could do the same ask what he's looking for in the marriage and in return tell him what you expect. your marriage can last but i think you guys need to communicate.  

Answer 9

He is under a lot of stress and this is his only way to cope.  Lashing out at you.  Of course, it is not right and not fair.  He needs a reality check.  He is abusing you mentally and emotionally.  Sometimes, that is more damaging than physical.

He is a miserable person and it could be he does not want to be married.  Or, he can't stand to look at you while you are pregnant (most men hate to see women pregnant as they see that as being fat) or he does not want to be a dad.  Either way, he is taking out his frustrations on you.

Answer 10

You don't count on other people to make you happy. You decide yourself whether you will be happy or not. Your husband is being selfish. Has he ever thought about your feelings. Has he ever asked you if you were happy.

Answer 11

i agree with linda tell him when he said i do that meant that he was it wasn't I'm not getting a benefit he has to change his mind set because he is acting in mature you might have married to young because it seem like he still wants to be a little kid!

Answer 12

your condition scares him. he doesn't know what to expect. after you have the baby, i'm sure things will be different, but more managable.