What do you guys think about this one........because it worries me......?

Question

The father of my son that I'm pregnant with was adopted and noone knows who his parents were or why he was adopted but! supposedly it was some BIG secret and the only person who knew those answers took them to her grave.....So the fact that she would do that,has me REALLY worried......

I mean what if he was a product of incest? And how would that affect my son......could he come out with some deformity or neurological or learning disorder etc because of this? His father seem to be fine though....soI doubt that but it still has me worried...... or what if he was a product of rape? and then it makes me wonder if it's possible my son would grow up and become a rapist or something........I mean I know this all probably sounds bizarre and everything but its just in the back of my mind......the wondering and worry.........I dont think about it all of the time or anything but just sometimes it comes to mind...I watch too much tv.......LOL

that's probably not the case but who knows,it is pos

Answer 1

why go negative?  it doesn't do anybody any good.  What's important is his health, and potential for problems later.  at last count, making decisions later in one's life is not hereditary.

You could also do a genetic profile, otherwise get over it and go forward.  

Besides, you should have looked into his background before you got pregnant.

Last but not least, you're putting a big load on him over this whole matter- whatevewr happened before with the parents or whatever isn't his fault, it's theirs.

Answer 2

i guess the best way to look at it is, will you love your child any less? there is always the risk of defects/learning disorders etc with any pregnancy and stressing doesn't change the outcome so you might as well just think positive and focus on what you can control like being a loving and nuturing parent

and as for the coment of growing up to be a rapist due to being a product of rape is just ridiculous, its not genetic, and i'm sure it offends anyone who was conceived due to rape

Answer 3

I dont think that sexual abuse is hereditary. It usually gets passed down by people being abused themselves as children, then growing up to become abusers. If you husband is fine, then I wouldn't worry yourself too much. You need to keep the stress level down while you are pregnant. And, will worrying yourself endlessly help or change the situation at all? I am not trying to offend you, but I just want you to worry about things that are a little more in your control. If your husband was a product of rape or something like that, I would be thankful that he DOESNT know for sure. That would be really hard to deal with and life with everyday of his life. Just look towards the future and the blessing this child is to the both of you, and know that a higher power has it all under control. I am sure everything will be ok, especially your unborn child. Good luck

Answer 4

I've seen my sister in law through two pregnancies, so I can tell you that irrational fears are simply a part of pregnancy

Although for her, it was worrying if her children would be blowing things up by the time they were 8 (this is based on my brother's IQ and pyromaniac history LOL)

And also she was honestly, seriously worried that something  would be wrong with her second baby, because two close friends have handicapped children (Downs, and deaf/handicapped)

So, irrational fears are a part of being pregnant.. I'm sure you have nothing to worry about.. Just try to relax and have a happy, restful attitude during the pregnancy... that will do more for your child than anything...

BTW.. most of my sister in laws fears were unfounded... My (now) 4 year old niece IS too smart for her own good, but so far hasn't figured out how to homemake dynamite.. (methinks me bro is saving that "fatherly teaching moment" for her 5th or 6th birthday LOL)

Meanwhile, my 9 month old nephew is as healthy and normal as can be!

BTW.. you GO girl, for staying strong for your baby, despite pressure from your boyfriend.. I wish less girls would kill their babies simply because their BF wants them to "make the problem go away" Pfftt

Answer 5

I have to agree with Shelly.  You may be experiencing some hormonally based fears.  I've had three kids and I certainly had them!  I'm an adoptee and I had fears that some strange tendencies would start showing up in my kids.  Well, some strange tendencies did, but they were GOOD ones.

Once you hold that babe in your arms, it all gets put into perspective.

I'm not trying to dismiss your concerns however.  My husband has always found me a bit mysterious due to my complete lack of knowledge about my background.  I understand how being pregnant might elevate these feelings for you toward your husband.

That said, you know, there are no guarantees when you have kids.  Even non-adoptees have genetic secrets burried deep in their DNA.  Any person can have a child with medical of psychological issues.  Anyone.  Parenting is the most vulnerable feeling thrill ride you will ever be on.  You are just beginning to experience that.  And, in spite of all the fears you feel for the rest of your life, it's all worth it.

I'm sure everything will be fine.  Good luck.

Answer 6

Those are legit concerns but let me tell you something.  I am the product of rape and incest....   I am adopted as well.  I turned out fine.  My kids are fine.  The damage caused by how I came about is more emotional than physical.  Any learning disabilities are minor as far as I know.  So to make a long story short, being  a rapist is not necessarily genetic and no the child is not going to continue the incest.  That usually happens with those who are sexually abused and taught that that is normal behavior, never rehabbed.  

Like I said (and I realize you meant no harm in asking), I turned out just fine.  My intent is to educate others and to speak out, not be so hush hush like many in the past.  If you have any questions, feel free to email me.

I wish you the best.

Answer 7

I was married for 14 years and had two children with an adopted man...  

Yes, you do want to know the medical history and my expereince was that NOT knowing was the hardest part for my ex-husband. He had No Information until about 6 years ago. And he has reunited with both of his parents--who were married at the time he was born and still are.

This kind of thinking is not healthy for you-your child--your husband or your marriage. I am guilty of having had some of these thoughts myself. I didn't have half the health info for my children the whole time they were growing up. I just decided they were at risk for anything.

These "adoption fantasies" or "adoption stories" you are "Making Up" are simular to the feelings that some adoptees have at certian stages of their lives. And you are now thinking of these issues because Adoption has become a real thing for you--and you are the mother of a child with an adopted parent.

This topic is often overlooked and children of adoptees do have their own issues related to adoption... and these issues are rooted in "Lack of Information" The truth is that my ex would have never searched for his biological parents if our son had not been so motivated for information himself.

As far as all the icky thoughts you are having about all the "What If's"----Stop it....  Your baby is not the product of incest--or rape. and Rape is not genetic.

Please don't put your husband into a situation of analyzing everything he is...and looking for some reason it is about biological parents. My ex thought he was the product of Rape because he was a little perverted and wanted to "think" it had to be because his father was a rapest.... My ex grew up in a white collar family and became and electrician and he thought it had to be that his father was a blue-collar worker....  

on and on these thoughts and explaination took place.

My ex was not the product of rape--his parents are still married, his father is Not a blue collar worker in fact his biological father is in nearly the same career that his adoptive father was in...

Do NOT be the wife who makes adoption the reason for any little thing that comes up in your relationship. I was only 18 when I married my ex and I believe I was guilty of feeding into all the "adoption-stories" my ex created and used to make some meaning of his own life... What I did was NOT helpful and was not supportive.

Talk to your child's doctor about all these fears and know that no matter what you will love your baby and all that you don't have to put on health history forms just means to pay attention to the fact that you don't know--If testing or screening is recommended for any one "related" to someone who had "XYZ" then remind the doctor that you do not have half the medical history therefor this should be done based on this fact.

My sister-in-law is an adoptee and she takes this approach with everything. Without her health history she cannot say if she has a relative with Breast Cancer so she screens as if she does... Which turned out to be a blessing in her life as early cancer was detected and taken care of very easliy.

You are having anxiety about unknowns. I know exactly how this feels. As a mother we start processing things a little differently and it sort of comes out of nowhere that we Think about adoption a little more personally.... Your baby will be just fine.....

Answer 8

Oh my goodness.....sounds like pregnancy hormones are making you get a little obsessive and crazy over there.  

Stop watching so much television.  See if your doctor has any childbirth or child rearing videos/books.  If not, go to the library to see what they have there.

A personal favorite of mine is "Your Child's Growing Mind" by Healy, Jane M.

You can also check-out www.babyzone.com

If you must worry yourself about something, you can watch  

ENDGAME: Blueprint For Global Enslavement (2007) at  http://www.moviesfoundonline.com/endgame...  It's free to view online.

If you want to keep obsessing about your husband's origins, have fun with it!  Have you seen the series "Taken" on the sci-fi channel?  You never know...there could be some extraterrestrial involvement when it comes to his father.

Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy!!!  :-)

Answer 9

Being born out of wedlock was, for some people, really, really, really bad.  So much so that the mother was often convinced to relinquish the child so it could be raised in a two-parent home.  That is a secret some feel should be taken to their grave.  (And this attitude is alive and well in our society, as is evident by both the laws and some of the people who post here.)  

This is but one reason adoptees and their allies fight for open records.

Answer 10

Just nake a fun environment for your son> i would say>>> think positive and think for the best for your baby/

Answer 11

Not much use worrying about it. Your baby will be how it will be regardless of whatever happened in the past.

  So relax, lean back, and enjoy all the other discomforts of pregnancy. There's no use wearing yourself out over something you have no control over.

Answer 12

I would put this out of your mind your baby will be fine. If the only person that knew for sure why your baby’s daddy was placed adoption is already deceased then you are really worrying over nothing since you will never know. Though I would think someone else would know even if they are not speaking up. Life is to short you just have to take things as they come.   Your child could come out deformed regardless if his father was a child of incest that is just a fact. It is not just interbreed people who come out deformed. In many cases it can take years of interbreeding to see such deformities that are in your mind.

Answer 13

In our parent's lives, and their parent's lives, opinions about horrible things have changed.  For instance, in my grandmother's time, if someone got pregnant, there were actually shotgun weddings, where the girl's dad would bring the young man to the wedding, or shoot him.  Very rarely were children born out of wedlock, and if they were, the mothers were sent out of town, and often never brought back.

Worst case scenario, if you husband was a product of rape or incest, you will raise your child to the best of your ability, love it no matter what, and if you see any signs towards violent or abusive behavior, you'll get him/her the proper counseling and medical care he/she might need!

In these days and times, we often have "skeletons" in the closet of people who slept with the wrong person, people who did crimes and in the 1800's just moved out west.  There have been hidden crimes of incest, etc, for centuries, it's just now we have the means for education to get help for problems.  

I'd worry more about your son getting into drugs or something when he's older than being the result of ANY DNA problems.  That seems to hurt more kids now than anything in their genetics.  Congratulations on your pregnancy, and I bet this child will be perfect (at least in your eyes!).  Also, the person who took the information to the grave might have a friend or clergy member that she might have spoken to.  You might ask.