What do you guys think of adoption?

Question

I think that adoption is a good thing if the biological parents can't/won't raise it but I think that there should be some sort of requirements. For one I think that at a certain age the adopted parents should have to tell their child that they're adopted and who their parents are...for mental and medical reasons.

Answer 1

I  think its a great idea for adults that cant have children be able to adopt.

Answer 2

I agree with your first statement.  As for  your second statement about a certain age to tell them they're adopted- I think that should be as soon as possible using age appropriate language and then can be more advanced or detailed as the child gets older or has specific questions.

Answer 3

agreed.

Answer 4

You bring up some very good points. No matter how safe an environment, how loving the parents, how protective the environment, there is an incredible amount of hurt, confusion, grief, anger, and a myriad of other feelings that come with adoption. Children should always be informed of their adoption, even if medical info is unavailable (abandonment, etc). Honestly, the earlier you tell the kid, the better. For younger children it can be woven into their "how you came to be" story. It will hurt, but they will be grateful for the truth. It's part of their identity, and adoptive parents have absolutely no right to take that away from them.

A note about parents with less than desirable backgrounds: My brother visits his siblings and birth mom a few times a year, no more no less. His birth father he hasn't been allowed contact with because he's been in and out of jail... So we never told him much about him, to protect him. But then he started to create a fantasy father. He started thinking that every tall black guy was his "dad" (his biological father is african american). He would walk up to them and say "hey dude, what's up man?" and would tell us wild stories about how his dad was a firefighter, and a wrestler, and on and on.

His counselor said he needed to told, so that he would understand why he couldn't see his dad. It devastated him, but overall it was definitely the best decision.

That much info is not always the best choice, but in certain situations it can be. Sometimes kids need to hear a tangible reason for why they were given up in the first place.

Answer 5

I'm all for adoption.  True, they should have to tell the child, when the child is old enough to handle the news.

Answer 6

On the one hand I agree with you.  My grandmother didn't find out she was adopted until she was 67.  By that time she had immigrated to Canada and lost touch with all of her family back in the UK.  She past away a few years ago at 92 having never had a chance to learn more.

On the other hand, I don't believe that any adoptive parents should "have to" tell their children anything.  I would hope that they would let them know they were adopted and let them know as much info as either they have or the child can handle.  This idea of a parent being forced to do anything doesn't sit right with me.  

My oldest will never know her birth parents, not because I don't want her to but because the country she was born in and adopted from doesn't keep those kinds of records in a format where they can be retrieved from.  Also, she was abandoned so there is no way they can tell her even if she wanted to know.

My youngest will know she is adopted (she's north American indian so we really can't "hide" it since her skin is a different colour then ours) but I will not let her know more then that for some time.  Her bio mother has drug and alcohol issues and her bio father is tied in with organized crime so they are not the kinds of people I want to know too much about myself.  We were given an adoption report that contains all of the biological info (med history, ethnicity...) that she would need and we will keep it like that until she is older and if she wants to know more we would support her then.  Either way, it will be our choice when to bring it up, not some arbitrary legislated or mandated time frame.

Answer 7

Being the adopted child of a diabetic mother, I believe that adoptees should be given full names, social security #'s and health records on their parents and siblings when they reach the age of 21.  To preserve the privacy of the parents, however, the adoptee should be required to sign a legally binding agreement to not meet with birth parents without first receiving written permission from the parent.  Some parents cannot handle seeing a child whom they felt they had to give up.

Parents really should tell their children if they were adopted.  It's horrible to find out some other way by accident.

cw

Answer 8

I think it is a good thing....A member of my family adopted a little boy..he was just born....I am sure that they will tell him when he reaches a certain age, but,  as far as medical reasons,, the birth mother wrote out a paper letting the adoptive parents know about her family,,and nothing was really wrong,,,the adoptive parents don;t even know where the birth mother is..is like she just disappeared...but, the adoptive parents will let him know that he is adopted...

Answer 9

making the decision to be an adoptive parent is a good thing, there's always a need. but parents do need to be more aware of things that you mentioned. you cant erase the child's past, and you cant pretend they arent adopted. when you adopt, you have to be able to accept the fact that these kids have a history  that needs to be honored. so yes, i agree.

Answer 10

Every adoption is different our daughter is black and we are white.... Its not a matter of race but she is six and knows that she is adopted... Her bio mom was a crack addict, and for that reason I will not allow her contact, her mom is nuts...

However I know her brothers are out there and have there #'s when she is old enough and wants to know then I will tell her everything I can its only fair..... I love my daughter and I am willing to share her rather than lose her....

Answer 11

I disagree about the certain age comment....this is something that should be talked about from DAY 1. Even in infancy.

To me there is no right age to learn about adoption. It should be just like everything else children learn. A little information at a time and should always be an open topic in the home.

Lying to a child will cause serious trust issues and unnecessary emotional turmoil for them.

Answer 12

I have one adopted son and two biological kids.  My son always knew he was adopted, but it was a closed adoption (which - trust me - was a good thing for him).  

These days science in learning more and more that a person's medical background has less and less to do with parents and grandparents than has been previously thought.   The birth mother's history counts less than the birth father's, and (if I recall this right) once you get to grandparents things get "watered down" to the point where your grandparents' medical history doesn't seem to matter all that much.

I wanted my son to grow up "just knowing", so when he was three or four and started to ask where babies came from it was a good time to tell him.  I did not tell him who the people were (in fact, I didn't know much about them anyway).

As he got older I shared a little more information when he asked, but when an agency contacted him to see if he wanted to meet his birth mother (right after he turned 21) he did not wanted to.  I was the one to ask him to at least let her know he's ok.  He ended up meeting her and her relatives, and he was the one to find out about them.

I think it would have better if he were more like 25, because at 21 he still wasn't quite ready to deal with the overwhelming pile of junk he discovered about them.

To me, my two sons and daughter are no different.   I've always just kind of taken adoption for granted as one other way people become parents.  In a way, I do think it's kind of nice to know that I have one child  because he needed me.

Answer 13

BB,

I agree with you and the earlier the children are told the better. Have a star!

:)

Answer 14

I was adopted and I am very thankful for being given life.

The best thing for a parent to do is to tell the child they were adopted so the child grows to believe, ex the sky is blue.  Its just a fact and not anything that is shameful.  I was raised knowing I was adopted, and I never felt any different than anyone else.  I mean it was a weird idea, being given away, but it was just a fact about me, and someone else gave me a chance.

My mother made it something special like, we have an anniversary, and she said she bought me at the baby store, and I was the most beautiful baby.

I know, maybe a little sappy, but being little, it felt good hearing those words, whether they were true or not.

A chance at life is worth not knowing everything about your "birth" family or medical background, and I feel more loved because my mother gave me 9 months or her life, so I could have one.

Answer 15

I was adopted as a baby - my biological parents had been together for 3 years but were not ready for a baby. My (adopted) parents are the most magnificent people in the world, and they have given me so much - so much support, so much love, and so many opportunities. My parents never kept my/our/"the" adoption a secret from me, I can't remember how I always knew to begin with, but I did. I met my birth parents when I was 17, and although it was FANTASTIC and I am very close with my birth mother now, I don't think parents should HAVE to tell their children. And also... they should have to tell their child "who their parents are" -- WHAT!? My adopted parents are my ONLY parents. They raised me, they cared for me, they loved me and have been there for me in every way possible.. THEY are my parents. Nobody else.

Answer 16

Well, I'm adopted and I am 14. And my birth mom, Misti, wasn't married when she had me with my birthdad, Bradi.. and while she was pregnant with me, she decided she was too young to raise a child (she was 18) and she put me up for adoption and during this time, Misti and Bradi broke up. And after I was adopted and out of the picture.. Misti got married to a man named, Jesse.. and together they had 3 kids, Morgan, Jacob, and Aaron.(Misti and Jesse kept them) and so the fact that I was the only one she gave up.. it made me feel like I didnt belong anywhere.. but I got to thinking about it and praying about it. And I came to realize that I am soo thankful that I am adopted because, if I hadn't have been.. I would have to grow up without a biological dad.. and I wouldnt be where I am today. So I say all that to say, adoption can change a childs life! It's great!

Answer 17

I love adoption (and I am an adult adoptee, go figure!).  I also agree with some of your main points although with some adjustments:

- The adoptee should grow up always knowing their were adopted and it should be treated as a good thing

- The adoptee should at the very least have access to continually updated medical information (so not details like their biomoms pap test is clear, but stuff like akllergies, asthma, genetic disorders etc)

- The biological parents should be treated with respect even if they are crack addicts or prostitutes

- Everything should be done in the best interest of the child, not the adoptive parents (although my heart goes out to infertile couples), because adoption is about what is best for the kid in the long run.

- Adoptive parents should be required to take classes about the long-term effects of adoption (aka abandonment issues and how they are NORMAL)

- Biological parents should have access to free grief counselling

Geez I sound like adoption should be all about rules and that it sucks as it is.  I don't think it is awful now, and I am a big supporter of adoption, BUT I do think there is room for improvement.

Answer 18

it will be very helpful to the child if you can mold her/him to be a good person that he/she can be and can give them a bright future