What do you guys think of my poem? :)?

Question

trapped like a deer in headlights

freeze it will only hurt more if you move

listen, carfeully..

can you hear her unsteady heartbeat?

catatonic in the smallest measure,

one breath can cull a hundred.

her essence lingers for a thousand seconds

gasp it will only hurt more if you inhale

watch, carefully..

can you see her shaky stance?

disillusional and crazy

one moment of insecurity.

-

sorry, some parts are meant to be in italics/bold but i don't know if i can use that on here, but just try and imagine them being there :P

xx

Answer 1

really good!!! :)

Answer 2

This is a beautiful piece I would still work on it to bring about what could be a deafening of hearts and souls out there every where an ultimate take on insecurity.

I was reading this book from Alan Watts the wisdom of insecurity where he bases the fact that true insecurity is the best form of security because then nothing can be taken away from you, Quite the insight don't you agree.

I hope that you take this and make it a piece that will kill them all from their own insecurities and I don't mean murder I mean it will sink their hearts to there feet with feelings they have never experienced before.

Keep up the good work, look forward to reading more of your material.

Answer 3

It's ok but wodjer mean by 'cull'?  The verb means pick out or thin out.

Answer 4

I like it. You have amazing visualizations and the details are portrayed well, but the way it starts makes me feel like I missed the opening line.

Great though!