What do you guyz think of this story????????

Question

okay so you guys ive sorta been working on this sequel thing to breaking dawn. just tell me what you think, and try not to be mean please. it was supposed to 2 chapters, but i had writers-block and didnt know what to write.....so it's one and a half chapter. i hope you like it. Presenting, "My Stoopid Story". Enjoy.

Chapter One

First Kiss

“Mom,” I asked. “where’s Nessie?” I yawned. That had been a pleasant nap.

“Gone with Jacob to a family barbecue down at La Push,” she answered,

“She will be home soon.”

I sat down on the couch and sulked. Oh, so she had a date and I didn’t? I thought. Edward turned and laughed.

“Shut up,” I mumbled.

“Oh, it’s okay, Melissa. She will be home soon, maybe an hour. I’m sure we aren’t that boring,” he said, amused.

“Oh, I’m sure you are,” I muttered.

Mom walked out of her room with Dad at her side. She sat down next to me and rubbed her hand soothingly down my back. Dad sat on my other side and chuckled.

“Lissa, if you’re that bored, I’m sure Bella wouldn’t mind having an arm wrestling match,” He laughed again.

“Emmett, just because you can beat me now doesn’t make you the better person, so shut it,”

At that, I had to giggle. Bella was awesome. She always managed to make me feel better. But this time the feeling didn’t last long.

“I wish Jasper was home. He could make you feel better,” she said.

Jasper, Alice, Carlisle, and Esme were out hunting. Urgh. This was one of the most boring days of my life.

“This sucks. All my friends are out on dates. In their cars. At least they all have driving permits. Jeez. I would have gone shopping, but I can’t. ‘Cuz I’m not allowed to drive. Nice.” I sniffed.

I could hardy wait for two more months. I would be sixteen, I would be able to drive, and I would be more pretty when I was finally changed. I just dumped my boyfriend, so I wasn’t in a good mood. In my school, it was like, dump someone and no dates for a month. URGH! I was pissed. Also, Daddy had gotten me an awesome car, a green and black Bugatti Veyron for my 15th birthday. It was amazing, except that I couldn’t drive it. I was a bit sad.

Edward had gotten Nessie a Lamborghini Gallardo LP460-L in pink, since it was her favorite color. It didn’t exactly brighten my day when she took it for a drive immediately.

“Sweetheart, you know that any of us could have driven you to the mall. Besides, you won’t be caught, any--” Mom started.

“No, thanks. I would rather go alone.”

“Yeah, Rose. Give the kid some space. Her hormones are kicking in. Let her whine, be unhappy for a couple of days. Then everything’s gonna be okay.” Dad teased. He always teased everyone. Me and Bella were his favorite candidates.

I glared at him.

“I’m gonna read,” I stated, ending the subject.

“All right, we’re going to head home,” Edward declared.

“When Renesmee comes, tell her where we are, all right?” Bella said.

I picked up my magazine and a second later the doorbell rang, and Jacob and Renesmee walked in. I didn’t call Jacob or anyone else “Auntie” or Uncle”. I mean, come on. In age, we looked about two years apart. Bella, Edward, Alice, and Jasper were all okay with it. I just called Carlisle and Esme “Gramps” and “Gramma”.

Bella and Edward hadn’t left yet, and they looked surprised.

“You’re home early,” she said.

Neither Jake nor Renesmee answered.

I ran to them and threw my arms around Nessie.

“I’ve never been more happy to see anyone in my entire life,” I whispered in her ear. “Ask your dad how bored I was.”

She was hugging me back, but strangely. I couldn’t explain it.

I pulled away and said, “Hey, Jake! How’s the pack doing?”

“Great, Lissa. Like always. Embry’s kinda depressed. He was complaining about how everyone has imprinted except him.” His voice sounded strange. Really high, for some reason.

“You know, if I met him, I think I could cheer him up,”

“Uh-huh”

I took a few steps back and stared at them. They both looked strangely flushed, like something embarrassing had happened to them. But that wasn’t it. They had that look in their faces, like…like…

“No…” Edward said. ‘Choked’ would have been a better word. “You did not, Jacob.”

“Why does everyone have to blame me whenever something happens!?” Uncle Jake cried out loud indignantly. “This isn’t fair! Blame Nessie for once! This time she was as much a part of it as I was!”

I smiled. He was such a little boy.

Bella and Mom looked at Edward and said “What happened?” at the exact same moment.

Dad. Well, Dad was smiling like always, but this time his smile had some curiosity in it.

“Dad, you know it’s something perfectly normal that couples do,” Nessie helped out.

I KNEW IT!!! My head screamed.

Edward shifted his murderous glare off of Jacob and on to her. Jake looked relieved. He continued to glare for a while, then he relaxed and gave them a tiny smile.

“I suppose I really shouldn’t be so shocked,” he said, and then turned to tell Bella what was going on before she had a stroke. Of course, everyone heard it, except for me. But I already knew.

I waited. It didn’t take long.

“WHAT?!” she screamed. It finally happened. “YOU REVOLTING MUTT!!! HOW DARE YOU KISS MY LITTLE RENESMEE?!?!”

Jacob sighed heavily.

“JACOB, THIS IS THE SECOND TIME I HAVE SNAPPED BECAUSE OF YOU! HOW DARE YOU EVEN THINK OF DOING THAT!?!?”

Nessie flitted over to Bella and put her hand on her cheek. I don’t know what she was showing her, but whatever it was calmed her down.

She still continued yelling at him for a several minutes, but it wasn’t easy to ignore what Nessie was doing. Soon, she was calm enough to talk a little sense.

“How dare you, mongrel,” my mom began.

“Shut up, Mom,” I told her firmly.

During that whole time Dad was having a hard time controlling his laughter. He wasn’t managing very well. Then, suddenly he roared with laughter. He just didn’t stop. Then he realized that everyone was staring at him and he stopped after some effort.

“Sorry,” he managed to gasp.

Edward grinned at him.

I was very surprised that Edward wasn’t as mad as Bella, if not more. But, I guess he was more reasonable than her, so he understood.

“Jacob, you are lucky today. It’s because of Renesmee that you aren’t being ripped to pieces by me, Rose, and, Edward,” she threatened.

Jake rolled his eyes.

“Count me out,” Edward mumbled.

Bella and Mom both glared at him.

“Mutt, get out of the house before I kick your guts,” Mom told him.

“For crying out loud, what’s wrong? I kiss someone. That doesn’t exactly deserve the death penalty. I’m sure you leeches kiss each other all the time. Just kidding, Bella,” he said quickly when he saw the look on her face.

“Get. Out. Now.” Bella said slowly but threateningly.

“NOW,” Mom said loudly.

“Can do,” he said nervously and walked out.

Nessie glared at her mom. I glared at mine.

“What, Lissa?”

“Mom, would you back off? It’s not your business what Nessie does with Jacob!”

“I will have you know that I am like her second mother,” she told me.

“So. What? She is a teenager. It’s about time she had her first kiss, Mother!”

Nessie looked at me. Then she glared at her mom again and put her hand roughly to her neck. I didn’t know what she was showing her, but I was pretty sure I didn’t want to.

“Momma, if you ever overreact so much again, I will move out and in with Jacob. Understand?” she told Bella angrily.

“Way to go, Nessie!” I muttered.

She ignored me.

“Renesmee Cullen! Who do you think you are talking to? You have no right to do that! You are grounded for a week!”

“Oh, yeah? Really? Okay then, Momma. Will you give me an hour so I can pack? Or will you rethink your last…ah…command?”

“Renesmee. Behave,” Mom put in.

“Stay out of it, Mom,” I told her angrily.

Nessie ignored us. She was too busy glaring at Bella.

“Okay, Renesmee. You are no longer grounded. But I am not happy.”

“Good. We have seen the end of this conversation. I am staying with Lissa tonight. Come on, Lissa,” and saying so she stomped up to my room.

Edward and Emmett roared with laughter. Mom simply glared at me.

I followed Nessie up to my room, trying to ignore Bella and Mom’s glaring eyes on our backs.

Chapter Two

Conversations

I locked the door behind me. When I turned around, I found Nessie with a phone in her hand. Calling Jacob.

“Hey,” she said,

I couldn’t hear him speak, and I gestured to her. She put him on speaker.

“Yes, Jacob. I am so sorry about that. I wasn’t expecting--,”

“Shut up, Nessie. You know it’s okay! I’m used to it anyway,”

“Sure, but I am still sorry,”

“It’s okay, honey, you know that!”

“Thank you, Jake. Hey are you going to be outside? I will call you up in a few minutes. I just have to talk to Lissa,” She threw me a quick smile.

“Sure. Tell her thanks for managing Blondie for me,”

“No problem, Jake,” I said to the phone.

“Oh, I was on speaker? Nice. Okay, see you guys,” He hung up.

Nessie snapped her phone shut.

“So, what are you going to talk to me about?” I asked curiously.

“I want to thank you, Lissa. For keeping Auntie Rose out of it. I don’t think I could have kept myself from throwing a fit if she started on me too,” I could hear gratitude in every word.

“Hey, Nessie, that’s what sisters are for. It was nothing, anyway. Tell me some details. Now,” I commanded.

“What details?” she asked innocently.

“You know very well what details I’m talking about, missy,” I told her.

She sighed.

“Today, please, Nessie,” I said.

“It was the very best experience of my life,” She whispered slowly. “Absolutely amazing.”

“One sec,” I said and quickly burst out the door. I was pretty sure everybody could hear us, and I wanted to make sure that Nessie’s parents had gone home. They had, but the others were still there. Dad looked up and grinned at me.

“Stop eavesdropping now, Mom and Dad. Now. I mean it,” I said firmly.

“Or else?” Dad asked.

“Aw, Dad! You are more mature than that! Come on,” I whined.

“Okay, Lissa. Em, let’s go for a walk,” Mom said.

Thank you, I mouthed at her. I waited until they walked out and then I ran back to my room and locked my door again.

“Okay, I’m back,” I told a patiently waiting Nessie.

okay.....what did you think!?!??!?!!? also, if you know any popular websites i could post it on, please tell me. i need more people's opinions. i also sent this to stephenie meyer's UK address and to her brother Seth. Any ways to contact important people like this? please tell me. THANK YOU SO ******* MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 1

It's great. Weird, too. Try posting it on Fanfiction.net.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 2

(I'm being totally serious and sincere, and I'm not being mean at all, just so you know)

This reads much more like a play than a story or novel.  Have you considered learning about scriptwriting, and adding stage directions, and formatting it like a play or film script?  

It's not bad, because it has a lot of natural family dialogue.  But as a story, sweetie, it's challenging to read, because ALL of the action is in the dialogue.  There is very little description or action, no sense of place or atmosphere.  Stories can be conversation-heavy, but there has to be something else anchoring all the talk.  If you're just telling the reader stuff between quotes, like 'That had been a pleasant nap,' that doesn't pull you into any kind of narrative.

You have talent -- I imagine you're young and have been writing for a few years, so you're doing good.  It's exciting to see you writing so much,and getting feedback.  And you have a strong feel for your own characters, which is wonderful.

I would like to see you do two things: 1-Turn this into a play, since it's halfway there already.  

2- Completely re-write this from scratch as a story with NO dialog.  I'm saying this because you are so natural at good dialog, that you need to be challenged to bring a story to the fore without it.  Think of what your narrative is, where it starts and ends, and how it gets there.  YOU know the inner workings of your characters -- can you show us that without telling us?

These are just exercise ideas to develop your story.  

I hope that helps!

Answer 3

it's pretty good but um did rose and emmett adopt lissa and how did she come intot he story??? Will you read mine now?

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

I've added more to it here so you can read it here also(probably better to read it here):

http://www.facebook.com/notes.php?id=665...

Answer 4

Sounded good to me, I'd like to read more. Are you on any writing sites? I'm on http://chapteread.com They have cool features. worth checking out!! and good luck.

Answer 5

its way too long

Answer 6

It was OK.  Not as good as Stephenie Meyer's, too much teenager.  But you do exactly what Stephenie Meyer does to me!  She makes Jacob Black drive me completely insane!  Also, I didn't like the part where she said she was gonna move out.  Renesmee shouldn't be like that when she's older, and Bella shouldn't sound like that, all controlling.  

Answer 7

Hey there,

I really enjoyed your story. I liked it alot. The only thing that I had problems with is who the heck was Melissa. I think she is the adopted daughter of Rose and Emmet, is that right?

Maybe you can make that a little clearer. i had to go back and read it a couple of times.

What a great imagination you have. Well done. I think we have a writer in the house.

Of course, writers always have editors that help them with the story line. So, having said that, I am sure that Stephanie Myers has help with her stories.

But, don't ever give up.

Answer 8

its kind of confusing, but good!