What do you say about this poem :]?

Question

a few weeks ago

I saw him…

he was half asleep

from the sheer fact that

he was walking at a too late time

with too much energy.

he made eye contact with me for

a split second and then

he vanished into

his

t-shirt.

I wondered where he was going.

probably to some hot chick’s house

where he would

probably get laid

and then he would

probably not stay to cuddle like she likes doing

and then he would

probably say something sweet anyway

and then he would

probably kiss her,

real soft like he was kissing a

delicate blueberry,

not the kind in muffins but

the kind in the wild

on vines or bushes

(I’m no botanist so I don’t know which)

squeezing the side of walls

with enough pressure to pop a skyscraper

and send it flying at the moon and thus

thrusting the world into chaos as it floods

the canals,

the dams,

the motes

and then he would

probably walk back to his house

and then he would

probably see a detour and follow it,

just to see where it leads and

just because he doesn’t give a ****.

that’s w

Answer 1

really A W E S O M E !! :D

Answer 2

that would get sum people thinkiing about how it applys to them

Answer 3

Well half of it seems like you're telling a story, and the other

half sounds like a poem.

"Hot chick", and "Get laid." doesn't fit

well with the "seriousness" of the part about squeezing

walls.

It doesn't sound like a poem, it sounds like you

talking to yourself about what your friend, or whoever.

But I did like this part:

"real soft like he was kissing a

delicate blueberry,

not the kind in muffins but

the kind in the wild

on vines or bushes

(I’m no botanist so I don’t know which)

squeezing the side of walls

with enough pressure to pop a skyscraper

and send it flying at the moon and thus

thrusting the world into chaos as it floods

the canals,

the dams,

the motes"

Minus the the muffins, and the side quote.

Sounds like you have good potential.

:]

Good Luck, and keep writing.

Answer 4

hmm. it doesnt seem to have much flow. but the main thing i would change is to find a way to separate that long second stanza if possible.

but other than that the poem seems to have an interesting story behind it

Answer 5

Bitter jealousy?

I like the picture it paints. I bet this would be interesting read aloud. :)

Answer 6

laid this to rest! say who gives a ****!? ^_^

Answer 7

its pretty good!

answer my question please:

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