What do you say to console someone who has given a child up for adoption?

Question

What do you say to console someone who has given a child up for adoption?

Answer 1

be a good listener, console that person the he/she did the right thing, for giving up his/her child a better future.

Answer 2

Nothing.  To give a child for adoption is either misery or a great deed and nothing else.

Answer 3

There isnt one particualr thing you can say to make her feel better. Just be there and offer her your support, just tell her she can contact you anytime. She may not feel like talking or being consoled just now but if you give her the option she know where you are and will come to you as and when she is ready

Answer 4

I could only imagine what your friend must be going through because I have never lost a child or given one up for adoption.  Actually, I have never had a child to begin with.  You see, I am on the other end of the spectrum.  My wife and I cannot have children.  We have been married for nearly 10 1/2 years and after 9 years of marriage and trying to have children, my wife had to have a hysterectomy.  We would like nothing more in this world than to have a child and the only way we are going to be able to have one is to adopt.  Console your friend by letting her know that her child will be going to a family like us who will cherish her child like a treasured gift and will be always remembered for her sacrifice.  Hold her, hug her, listen to her, and let her cry on your shoulder, but reassure her that somewhere, someone is thanking her for giving them something that they could not have gotten on their own.

Answer 5

If possible be a very physical friend. Lots of tight hugs. Make her laugh a lot. Laughter is a medicine for sadness. Tell her its okay to cry once in a while. Stay everpresent, never leave her for too long and be a constant encouragement.

Good Luck Chico-

Answer 6

"THANK YOU!"  

"You have given the gift of love to a family."  

Adoption is a truly beautiful thing.  Try to let her do the talking and just listen.  Try to remind her that this is a beautiful gift she has given someone (hence my responses above) and that she has given someone a miracle.

Answer 7

i didi it,...tell her how she did the right thing & everyday will get easier.If she doesnt face the pain,it will never fade...write about it, therapy,talking to a good friend...no matter how many times she repeats the same thing...

Answer 8

be a good friend, she did the right thing.

Answer 9

You them that they just made the best parental decision the could have been made.  A person that willfully chooses to allow another human being raise their child, deserves more that society gives.  They are making the most unselfish, responsible, yet at the same time heart wrenchingly painful decision.  I know I did it.

Answer 10

be a good friend.  but my opinion bad choice.  i know how it feels to be adopted and not know one of your parents.  i live with my biological dad but my birth mother beat me.  it hurts not knowing her. but i am GLAD that my dad took me away from that mess.

Answer 11

NO UR CHILD COULD GO TO A BAD PERSON BUT U CAN STILL SHOW UR CHILD U LOVE AND ADORE HER BUT JUST MAKE SURE SHE OR HE IS OK WITH GOING WITH STRANGERS I KNOW ITS DIFFICULT BECAUSE MY LITTLE COUSIN MONTANNAH IS GOING TOMORROW.

Answer 12

It's important that you know the person very closely, otherwise you should say nothing at all.

  If you know the person closely, then you should size up their current emotional state: are they crying, or feeling emotionally numb, or worried, or angry, or another emotion?

  Talk honestly, and try to avoid cliches such as, "It's for the best."  Let them talk to you, instead of trying to do the talking yourself.  It can be very therapeutic for them to express their emotions to a caring listener.

Answer 13

Let her do the talking  be a good listener, and do not blame her

Answer 14

there is no magic words to make her pain better. i wish there was. just keep reinforcing that she did the right thing. she showed so much love in her actions, it is a great sacrifice she made.

the pain will subside some over time, she just has to remember what a great gift she gave. she was selfless, caring and responsible. i hope she can see that soon.

hug her, listen to her and tell how proud you are of her. because you should be, and im sure she needs to hear it.

my hat is off to her, im happy she made such a caring move, but my heart goes out to her for her loss.

Answer 15

Good Question.... Hard Question to answer.... All I can say is we have tried to be good parents to our Adopted Son. I write to his Birth Mom even though he was adopted internationally and it was not required. In those letters I write about how well "Our Son" Is doing. I tell her he is doing well, he is smart, we love him so much, I tell her about vacations he goes on and what things he likes to eat. and I hope in the back of my had that this is consolation to her because she knows he is being well cared for. I wish sometimes I could talk to her and just assure her he is OK. That being said if she was a friend I would tell her she made the right choice for her child that she was not ready to be a mother and that some day her son would understand. I would tell her she should be proud of herself for finding the right people to help her to put the baby in the loving hands of parents who were ready to parent. I would also let her know that she will always be a part of this child and that whatever things he grew to be he would be because she nurtured him first in her belly and allowed him to grow further in the nurturing arms of another woman. I would tell her she would hurt for a while, and that her child would hurt for a while and some day they will probably meet again and the hurt will be gone and they would understand each other. Good Luck!

Answer 16

there's a really good and simple book called, "Did My First Mother Love Me?" I don't know the author but I'm sure you could find it just with the title. It's really a children's book but I sent it to my son's birth mother and have read it to my son and we all around love it.

Answer 17

"You did the right thing."

"I'm here for you."

"It's okay to be sad."

"I'm here for you."

"I'm here for you."

"I'm here for you."

Answer 18

First, don't say "given up" to a birth parent or adopted child. The preferred term is "made an adoption plan".  This is active rather than passive but also reinforces the contribution of the birth parent.  Birth parents generally feel the most worried or depressed during the first year after the adoption occurs so support during this essential to their well being. Assure your friend that the homestudy process that adoptive parents go thru is rigorous and that adoptive parents need to be very committed to complete this process since one of the biggest worries is that the child is being well cared for. As others have said, listen, reassure, and just be there.

Answer 19

It is better to listen than to talk, so just ask "Do you need to talk about it?" and let her know you are there to listen. She is likely to have many mixed feelings. You might also encourage her to seek counseling.

Answer 20

Giving up a child is a difficult thing to do.  I did it.  I thought long and hard before I made the final decision.  In the end, I know I did the right thing for everyone involved...but there were still painful parts of it and grieving to do.  

     I do not have sympathy to any of the answerers who portrayed the birth mother as a victim.  That used to be the case when families shamefully shipped their daughters off to 'homes' in secret to have their babies and give them up.  In those days it was extremely shameful, for all involved.  No one was supposed to know that a child was even adopted!

     I have a friend (in her 50s) who found out that she was adopted after her mom died because of a slip of the tongue.  She was never supposed to know.

     Those days are gone.  It is not that difficult to have an abortion, if you find out that you're pregnant in time.  

     In my case, neither my husband nor myself felt ok about an abortion, so adoption was a preferable choice.  

     However, the hardest part after the baby was born, was that nobody felt comfortable enough to listen to me...not even my husband!  

     So, yes, the best thing you can do is let her talk about her feelings.  Childbirth itself is a very powerful experience, and then the act of releasing the child is incredible.  Even when a person feels right about the decision, she still needs time and space and loving people around to help her grieve.

Answer 21

I think just being available to her can speak volumes.  Don't assume you know how she feels or what she wants; often the emotions don't set in until weeks, months, years later.  Depending on how close you are to her, maybe you could suggest an art project or journal.  I have had clients create beautiful scrapbooks, collages, and paintings to express their feelings; sometimes they are shared with the adoptive family.

Answer 22

that since they  gave the child  for adoption  so that it could have a loving family and a chance at a  happy life and a bright future.  and that the adoptive parents will surely  take good care  of the child, but that  yes  they will always  ask themselves ( did we do the right thing)

Answer 23

my friends helped me alot by having a day just for me. we did just really cheesy, girly things like renting REALLY bad movies and giving pedis and manis. they also bought me a basket of bath stuff and told me to spend time by myself and relax. just having them around and taking my mind off the grief was so helpful and their support made me feel loved. but don't try too hard to MAKE her feel better. everyone grieves in their own way and she might need more time than you might anticipate. how ever it goes, you are a wonderful friend for wanting to support and love your friend in her time of need.

p.s. please don't say "gave up your child....". by saying this, it sounds like your are implying that she heartlessly gave her child away like some sort of a pet, even though it is by no means what you are trying to say. i would suggest using words like "placed with loving parents/in a loving home"

Answer 24

that you did it for a reason, and to never forget that reason. even if life gets better, or worse, your life would not be the same either way if you had kept the child.

Answer 25

I'm a bit non-traditional with my answer.  I agree with some of the answers above that mention that being a good listener in one of the best ways to console.  But doing that is very hard.  If she recently lost her baby to adoption, then he body is betraying her right now.  She has the memory of birth which is by far one of the biggest events of her life and she probably won't allow herself to talk about it unless asked.  Then the moment the baby was born was likely one of the most magical moments, and again she likely won't allow herself to discuss that joy because of what happened.  Her body would be starting to produce milk to feed a baby that isn't there.  Her body is also empty and silent now.  Biologically, the body doesn't understand adoption, instead her body goes through the process of believing the baby is dead and consequently her hormones and physical uncontrolable reaction grieve despite how much she probably buys into the adoption koolaid that tells her she did the right thing.

Just don't say that.  "You did the right thing" or "What a wonderful gift"  or for the love of pete do not call her "selfless" Adoption koolaid isn't necessary in order to console.

One of my coworkers called me just after I had my son who I was placing for adoption.  When she first spoke to me she had joy in her voice.  Not because of the act of placing, but because I had just birthed my son.  She wanted to know all about the birth, and all about what I felt when I saw that baby.  She wanted to know about what I saw when I looked at his new parents when he was born.  She had pure joy for the event, and yet by the end of the call was very respectful by stating how complicated the emotions were.

Asking gentle questions and letting her know that you have open ears to hear whatever is on her mind would be the best way to go.

Answer 26

Just be there for her and listen to her. And lots of Hugs!!

Some stats allow parents to have visitation rights and things like that, I'm not sure what the situation is, but i know it helps a lot of people to see there babies happy, can be negative as well, hard to say buy every time, so think carefully before you even mention it to her.

Good Luck