What do you say to the family when someone has passed?

Question

I have a friend who just passed yesterday. She requested no funeral service so just a viewing is scheduled. She was married to her husband for 40+ years & was always right by his side. They have one daughter who took her parents in when she was diagnosed with cancer. What can I say to the family? I want to say more than "at least she is no longer hurting, she is now at rest", or the usual sayings. But I don't want to go to over board either.

Answer 1

Just let them know that you're sorry and that you're sad about it too. Let them know that they aren't alone, there isn't much else you can do. Offer a hug if you're close enough to them.

Answer 2

There is really nothing you can say to make your friend feel better. I always just say: I am so sorry for your loss. Just keep it simple and give your friend a big hug and let her know you will always be there for her if she needs you.

Answer 3

Don't tell them it's gonna be alright. They're hearing that twenty thousand times already. Just let them know that you're here for them if they need anything. That's good enough.

Answer 4

Instead of talking about her being gone, talk about the good things you remembered about her. If she's no longer in pain, she is in a better place and her family knows that. It might even be possible that she didn't want a funeral service because she didn't want people to morn her death.  

Answer 5

I am sorry for your loss. I know she will be missed.

Answer 6

Just keep it simple..say "I'm sorry for your loss..please let me know if there is anything I can do" Then let the family grieve privately..they will be comforted to know you are there if they need you

Answer 7

Do . . .

Be helpful, little things mean a lot:

Offer to go to funeral home with the griever.

Fix meals.

Get groceries or necessities.

Offer to assist with household chores and repairs.

Offer to help with making decisions. It is often difficult to think clearly at the time of a death.

Hugs are very good. Learn to be comfortable with shared silence.

Do visit after the funeral is over. Many times a week after the funeral everyone has gone home and no one is around to console the griever.  

Do maintain your relationship with the mourner. Many times relationships are abandoned because others don’t know what to say to the person who is grieving. They need your companionship now more than ever.

Listen to the griever. Listen 80 percent of the time and talk 20 percent. Be patient, they need to be able to tell their story and share their memories.  

Ask if the griever would like you to stay with them overnight:

Some will welcome the company, while some will want to be alone.

Just be there! Often no words need to be said, your presence is more than words can express and shows the griever you care.

Call the griever in a week. YOU need to take the initiative to do this on a regular basis.

Use the name of the deceased person. This person played an important role in the griever’s life. It is important to recognize that by mentioning their name.  

Share your own losses and how the death of this person has affected you. You could also share how you have adapted to other losses in your life, but remember that what works for you, may not work for another person.

Share your positive memories and stories of time spent with the deceased with their family.





Don’t . . .

Don’t say, “I know what you’re going through.” We really don’t know what someone else is thinking or feeling. Every griever’s experience is unique.

Don’t say anything that will make the mourner feel guilty for the death of their loved one.

Don’t monopolize the griever’s time at the funeral home or over stay your welcome. Realize that the griever needs to share time with others and also needs time alone.

Don’t say things like, “You’ll forget …” or “Time will heal your hurt and you’ll get over it.” The mourner doesn’t want to forget their loved one. And you never get over the death of a loved one … you learn to live with it.

Don’t say anything about the appearance of the deceased at the funeral home to their loved ones.

Don’t ask: “What happened?” Let the griever share their story when they are ready.

Don’t violate the griever’s trust in you by sharing personal information with others.

Don’t say, “Call me if you need anything.” People who need … generally won’t ask. This can also be perceived as though you are just trying to be nice — an offer that is meant to be declined.

Don’t use hackneyed consolation by saying, “God works in mysterious ways.” “They’re in a better place now.” “You can always have another child.” The griever would do anything to have the deceased with them and these types of sayings often hurt more than they help.

Don’t force the mourner into a role. “You’re so strong.” “You’ll need to pull yourself together.”

Don’t try to hurry the griever through their grief. Grief takes time and patience and cannot be done on a fixed schedule. Often the grief process takes years.

Don’t tell the mourner what they should do. This reinforces a sense of incompetence and each person handles things differently.

Don’t make philosophical comments, “He wouldn’t want to be a vegetable.” “It’s a good thing for her that she didn’t suffer.”

Answer 8

The biggest thing to do is to accept the grieving person and to reassure them that their grief is valid and that the life of their loved one meant something. Allow them to cry without judgment or trying to change their behavior.

Express your own sadness and loss.

Share a special memory of the person who died.

Avoid cliches.

Things to say may include:

I am so sorry,

I will miss him/her very much (provide an example)

I remember a time when (deceased's name) helped us out and really made a difference (provide example).

Do NOT say...

I know how you feel.

It's probably for the best.

Time heals everything.

Everything will be O.K.

Often times just being there for them is all they really need. Death is a transformational experience as much for the living as for the deceased. Being an understanding, compassionate friend makes all the difference.  

Answer 9

This is always difficult. Don't try to 'trail blaze'.  Just go with what you have already said.  The family will understand.  Be there for them when they need support.