What do you say when...?

Question

my african american/hispanic daughter is clearly not of my womb. When asked her race by people how should I respond. Especially on those days when I don't feel like going into our personal history.

http://www.adoptive-parenting.com/transracialadoption.html

Answer 1

I don't know why I am shocked that people can be so inconsiderate! You should look them right in the eye and tell them she is of the Human race and walk away. Or just ask them "what an odd question, why do you ask?" Hopefully they will get the hint to mind their own business!

Answer 2

people can be rude...my 16 yr old is Hispanic/white...he's asked this question all the time...he's just to the point that he won't answer or simply asks in return...why?when he was younger he would tell his friends or peers who asked " I'm a little of this and a little of that...and a little of something you'll never have...but that was like 5 yrs ago....you should not have to explain your history unless you choose to do so...and so what if someone gets pissy

ETA>>>Anna...just because the person  is mixed with caucasion doesn't make the question any less rude...and it definately doesn't mean the child is less affected by these types of comments....I have seen my son go through h**l and defend his race and explain his nationality....so with all due respect....understand that this has a very big impact on ALL CHILDREN OF MIXED RACES....just because a person isn't mixed with African American doesn't mean they don't feel discrimination and don't get hurt by people and the ignorance they seem to have

Answer 3

When I don't feel like talking about it-

I ask  "Why do you ask?"  

If they have a good reason, fine. If I get told "I'm just curious", then I say "Gosh, that's kind of a personal question, isn't it?" And I walk away, or change the subject depending on who the person is.

eta: Yes, we knew that people would be curious about our family.  We usually do answer those questions, because there is nothing to be ashamed about.  We wouldn't want our kids to think there is.  

However, the question was what do you answer on days when you don't feel like going into it. There are times when my kids aren't into stopping and explaining their history to strangers on the street, and that's when we want to know "Why do you ask?" Usually, people have an excellent reason for asking - my next door neighbor is from Ethiopia, my grandson is adopted, etc.  But when absolute strangers admit that they're just being nosy, and my kids are tired and want to go home, no, I don't make them stand there while I trace out their family tree.

Answer 4

You know as others have said tell the truth and don't get snarky or your child learns that it is an appropriate answer to simple curiousity. You say that the questions are rude, well you answering them rudely sets no better example.

ETA for Annabell

Actually I am caucasian, as far as I know - it isnt a term widely used anymore outside of the US because of it's ambiguity of who to include - ie technically covers northern african countries - hardly how many people think of caucasian - hence I will say I am still caucasian.

And I still got the 'where is she from anyway'  when I was young because I didn't look white, I looked heavily Greek/Italian or Egptian versus amum who is red haired scottish.

But then my amother didnt find it necessary to be rude to people asking a simple question. A truthful brief answer is quickest, easiest and most respectful all round.  

The amusing thing is that I live in a multi cultural country and many of what is techically a 'non causcasian' race are more white than me, and yet I still know what race they are from, skin colour often is the least indication of race.

Answer 5

You know, I sort of have a problem with APs answering these questions with flip retorts and intentionally obscuring the FACTS.  People are curious.  You must have known this would be an issue when you chose to adopt a mixed race child.

The not-answering-the-question routine will make your child think either that you're embarrassed (and she should be too) and/or this is a fact that should be hidden and secret.

By not answering this innocuous question by an innocent bystander, you're creating shame.  You aren't 'teaching' the stranger anything, except to be uncomfortable around adopted children.

Why not just tell the TRUTH, in a proud manner, and say, "Well actually she is half African American and half Dominican*, isn't she lovely?"  Where, of course the only polite response is YES.

I grew up not knowing anything about my ethnicity.  How wonderful that some things about adoption have changed, and your child can know her roots! Celebrate it!

* Or whatever ETHNICITY she is—‘Hispanic’ is a race, like Caucasian, not an ethnicity like Mexican, Irish, or Chinese.

*****

ETA: For Annabelle:  No, I can't imagine what, as a Caucasian, it's like to be an interracial child.  But I do know the SHAME of people asking me 'what' I was, and having to answer, "I don't know".

Answer 6

This is tough  even if she is not adopted.  I am African American and Hispanic myself.  It think it is a personal thing for her.  As her parent I would just say she is biracial and leave it at that and if they prior further maybe you can say  the specifics.  As for her it is a personal thing which she connects with.  I consider myself Afro Hispanic because I am part Puerto Rican and Puerto Ricans come in all races from white to native Tino (kind of like Native American here in the US)  My brother raised in the same house with the same parents feels he is just Hispanic  which is his right also.  Your daughters thought maybe a little different because she is  being raised by I am assuming whites.

Answer 7

I am caucasian and have two sons who are half hispanic, both are fairly dark complected. I have been asked before if they are adopted (I simply say "No why do you ask?")  I have also been asked their nationality, to which I respond "American" (after all they were both born in the usa lol)

You can always come up with something humorus that dosen't give them an answer, such as "human". Or you can simply say "I'm sorry that's personal" Or even "Those who need to know already do".....or one of my favorites "Why do you ask?"

Most of those respinces will let ppl know they have overstepped their bounds, however if someone especially a stranger keeps on give them a cold look and say "None of your business" and walk on....

Answer 8

How about just answering their question and leaving it at that?  People ask questions and make conversation, that's just part of belonging to the human race.  You may think that you're being protective of your daughter, but it's unnecessary.  She doesn't need to be protected from her own identity, her race is who she is.

If you give them a snarky response, it sounds like you have a problem with your daughter's race, and that just hurts your child in the long run.  Your daughter will pick up from you that race is something to get angry about.  Pretty much the total opposite of what I'm sure you want out of the situation.  If you act as if it's something interesting, wonderful and unique about her, that's how she will think of herself.

Answer 9

I have very much the same siutation and get questions all the time. My son is now 12 years old so I'm used to most of it. Although I bet he's just beginning ot figure out how to respond himself and who asks and why and how he feels about the questions and how he feels like answering. I don't know how old your child is but, if she's still a baby you can respond with only yourself in mind -- by that I mean you need to figure out what works for you and come up with something you know you can say when the question comes. That doesn't mean you can't go into more detail when you are in the mood but, it will be easier if you know what you are going to say when that question comes up often. If your child is already old enough to be a part of the conversation then you need to serously consider how she feels about the questions and the answers. Of course you need to consider that for the future in either case but, for right now -- you ahve time to work it out if she is still not in on the conversations.

I have been through this for a long time now. Many people ask if I'm his grandmother -- whch really ticks me off. It took me years to realize that it isn't so much that I look llike a grandmother (at least only partially) but that it must be "obvious" to some people that we are related but they can't fathom how I can be this child's mother. Many years ago someone bumped into me and said they knew me but didn't know how. She didn't look familiar to me so I didn't add much to the conversation. After thinking for a minute she finally said, "Oh you're that woman with that really beautiful baby!" I thought that was such a great way to put it because I think she probably "recognized" me because I stood out as having a multi-racial baby but she didn't say that. Instead she used it as an excuse to offer an obvious compliment.

You also have to (try at least) to think of the source when you respond to what may seem like people's rude or nosy comments. Most people are pretty stupid! And you needn't add to their ignorance by being rude in return or taking offense when none was meant.

You can also tell people that it's considered rude to ask the question -- just to let them know not to keep asking these kinds of things of others.

Answer 10

Do you live in the US? Then say she's American...and leave it at that-should shut people up. People just don't realize when they are being intrusive!

ETA-with all due respect I am assuming that someone who has a mixture of the most caucasion roots out there can not relate to people being constantly asked "so what are you anyway" Its not an appropriate question to ask a child although I do see your point about celebrating the diversity and not making the child feel ashamed..something I will definately keep in mind!

Answer 11

If you had a male baby or toddler who was dressed in a unisex way (pastel colors, long hair, whatever) and someone asked you if your child was a boy or girl, would you have any difficulty admitting he was a different gender than you?

Your child is not you. Nor is she an extension of you. She has her own heritage. It's actually much easier and faster to to give a factual answer in a sentence and then move on, rather than play games with strangers. There's nothing wrong with saying "she's half AA and half Mexican (or whatever)" and then going back to whatever it was that you were doing.

Answer 12

Tell them she crawls the mile-and-a-quarter in a minute and a half.

That's her best race yet.

Answer 13

Say how you really feel.  I know it's not the same but I get frustrated when people ask me about my children and say things like, "okay, so which one of them are actually YOURS?"  Isn't that awful?!  I have 4 children, one adopted and they are ALL mine regardless of how I got them.

I would say something like, "she is beautiful mixed with a little beautiful. What race are you?..... Do you usually go around asking people what race they are?  Are you conducting some sort of a survey?  Oh!!!!!!!!!  I get it, you are with the census bureau!!!!"

Yeah, try that one out, I am sure they won't have any further questions.

Answer 14

My DIL is mexican and her 2 half brothers are 1/2 philipino and 1/2 mexican, they say they are philican. (That's to mess people up) We are white and our granddaughter is 1/2 mexican and 1/2 white mix. We call her beautiful.

Answer 15

Be honest, be brief.