What do you say when someone tells you they're adopted?

Question

I'm 18 and I met this guy who is 21 on tuesday and he called me on wednesday night...we were talking about our families and stuff and then he told me he was adopted since the age of 2 and a half...i had no idea how to react and i just said "oh realllyyy"...but i wished that i could have said more...i just didnt know what..he didn't act like it was a big thing and just moved on to talking about something else..i've just been thinking about it and i feel bad that that was all i could say...i asked my friends what they would have said and they said they have no idea..so i'm wondering what should i have said?? and what should i say if it is brought up again?

thanx :)

Answer 1

you could've thrown a compliment in there like........".your parents must be proud"....presuming you meant the people who are raising him as their child.  next time you talk to him let him know you were caught off guard when he said that....and tell him i gave you the best answer and you'd like to use it now!!!

Answer 2

I think your response was ok I suppose you could have asked him some questions about it if had wanted too. Had it been me I would have just said me too. I also wouldn’t have made it a big deal since it’s not a big deal to me. If it comes up again try just to go with the flow. Dont say anything that would be rude like do you want to ever meet your "real" parents. A person real parents are the ones who raise them.

Answer 3

must be a super nice family look what they raised for me and super nice at that just look how polite and nice you are, those words would go a super long way.

Answer 4

Adoption talks can go 2 ways... easy or hard. It deends on a lot of things. The relationship he has with his adoptive parents, with his birth parents,  mostly.

If he is someone close to you, you could just say, "Adopted, how interesting, how has that been? Do you like the people who adopted you." If you are sincere, I think he will take you sincerely. And if he starts to dance around the subject, just say "Oh I didn't mean anything, sorry" and change the subject.

Be considerate and keep your eyes and ears open to the hints he throws out :)

Good Luck.

Answer 5

well, i usually get "oh, i am sooo sorry! i had no idea! honestly im sorry"

dont ever say that. i hate that. im not sorry why should they be?

Answer 6

One of my good friends growing up happened to be adopted along with three other children in her family from various countries, so I have always been comfortable with the idea of adoption. It's not the child's fault that their biological parents did not want them or could not take care of them.

There is no difference between children who are adopted and those who are raised by their biological family. Don't miss out on a relationship with your new aquaintence. If anything, being adopting simply makes his life story more interesting.

Answer 7

I am adopted, When telling others I don't expect anything.  It is just a part of me.  If he is telling you and isn't making it a big deal then you did fine.  Making it a big deal isn't always the right thing.  Oh really, Thats Cool, interesting, are all fine responses, if your curious about how he feels about it just ask acknowledging that you have never met someone adopted, or been close to someone who is.

Answer 8

You could just acknowledge that it must be difficult at times to be adopted.

Myabe you want to ask him if he wants to tell you about it. I work with plenty of adopted kids and their opinions vary. If he didn't want to tell you he was adopted, he wouldnt' have. He's been with his family since 2 for all intents and purposes they are mom and dad.

You could ask if him the story of his adoption or if he has any contact with his real family. If he doesnt' want to answer you, he'll let you know one way or another.

Answer 9

I have rarely had anyone say anything to me that was offensive.  But most people just stare with their mouths open and say something silly such as:  I didn't know that about you.

Although one poster recommended saying:  Adopted?  How interesting...how has that been for you?  THAT would make me laugh out loud.  And I would probably ask why the person was asking.  Would you ever ask a biological child:  How has that been for you?

Answer 10

I would have said probably the exact same thing.  Don't try to make such a big deal about it.  I don't know his circumstance...but he doesn't need to be "separated" from the rest of society just because he was adopted.  Some people are born to parents who can parent / want to parent and some are not...it's as simple as that...

Answer 11

I am adopted as well- and when I tell someone I am adopted- I really don't expect anyone to make much a comment.  Don't worry- like you said, he did not make a huge deal about it anyway.  I would much rather have someone say "oh really" then act as if I was different.

Answer 12

Oh don't beat yourself up, it's OK. Be happy for what you didn't say. The most hurtful things to me  have been when people  said something really ignorant (she loved you enough to give you a better life/ you're better off/ at least you weren't aborted/you were chosen/blah blah blah)

Have you ever read any writings by adoptees? There are some great adoptee blogs here

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

Some of the guys on the list are

Adoptee/Drummer/Mac Geek Rambles - http://kevin229.blogspot.com/

BB Church's Funhouse - http://bbchurch.blogspot.com/

Boston Uncommon - http://bostonuncommon.wordpress.com/

iBastard - http://ibastard.wordpress.com/

Niel's Blog at Pound Pup Legacy - http://poundpuplegacy.org/blog/2

Persona Ingrata - http://persona-ingrata.blogspot.com/

PrairieGuy - http://prairieguy.wordpress.com/

Wes Unruh - http://wesunruh.wordpress.com/

Wraith's Wrealm - http://wraithswrealm.com/blog/

The only people who know what it feels like to be adopted are adoptees. You honestly wouldn't know what to say.

Answer 13

"Please accept my sincerest condolences. Have you found your real family? No? Do you want my help? Here, check out these blogs and websites written by adult adoptees."

Answer 14

what do you think you're supposed to say?  this isn't a terminal illness or anything like that.

you handled it fine.  as you said, he didn't act like it was a big thing so it doesn't sound like it is.  if there's more for him to share, he will and you can take it from there.

but seriously, condolences or anything like that are NOT necessary.

Answer 15

welll i was adopted and so was my brother... if he has siblings that are also adopted do not ask if they were siblings before they were adopted... lol it gets annoying! but its not a big deal i mean i dont care what people say to me they ask questions sometimes.. but other wise they just dont say much..

Answer 16

If it's me I say "cool me too"

With him, just let him talk. If he wants to talk about it.. let him, if he doesn't, don't force it...go on his cues

Answer 17

theres nothing your meant to say. You just say what you say! I get people saying "ooooh really, you look so much like your parents" ha ha.

Answer 18

I really don't think there's much more you need to say! It's not a big deal he's adopted, so it shouldn't be treated as a deal imo. I think you did the right thing by just keeping up a normal conversation and not trying to make it something it wasn't.

Answer 19

Well to be honest I think you should just treat him the same say the same things you would normallily say when you didnt know he was.

I am in foster care and when people find out I am in foster care they start treating me different and it upsets me cuz I am no different from kids who arent in foster care.

So say what you would if you didnt even know he was adopted.

Answer 20

i say ya so i am i aint it great!

Answer 21

I grew up with a lot of cousins who were adopted and when I was 16 I met a boy who was adopted when he was a baby.... We ended up getting married when we were 18 and 19...

I always just say something along the lines of, "Wow that's interesting how do you feel about being adopted?"

The one thing I always want to do when I meet someone who is adopted is to allow them to let me know how THEY FEEL instead of telling them what I think about it....

Some people don't think much about it but, others do and when someone says they were adopted soon into getting to know them it can mean a few things... Either they are Fine about it and proud to have been adopted...Like my little girl is. Or they can be dealing with some difficult feelings and be looking for someone to share those feelings with...

I think many adopted people face others who don't know what to say about it...and I think that often when they bring it up they are looking for someone who understand or is open minded about their life....

Especially a young guy...  If he was in a closed adoption he might be considering looking for his biological family and he may be thinking a lot about this--if you are hitting it off and he is interested in seeing if there is a future with you he might be checking to see how You feel about it so that he knows if you are the kind of person who will understand why some things he feels are important...

Also if he is starting to think about the woman he is looking for to be in his future forever he might want to be right up front and find a woman who can respect all of his feelings about his adoption... He might be thinking about how the future mother of his children is going to deal with only knowing 1/2 the medical information for her own children if he doesn't have that information....

Having met and married an adopted man at a young age I know that some of these issues mattered a lot to him and that he did deal with some confusing feelings and adoption was part of the things we talked about and worked though during our life together....

Answer 22

What you said was fine.  When the topic comes up again, just go with the flow.