What do you think? Need advice about dysfunctional inlaws...?

Question

My MIL is a wreck, she has substance abuse issues (long standing), allowed her many men to abuse her kids during their childhood, dumped her kids off with strangers for months, abandoned her kids without anyone to care for them for months, allowed them to be sexually, physically and mentally abused. So now my husband has no desire to have any relationship with her. He doesn't want our kids around her, and to be honest I support him 100%. She abuses drugs and alcohol to this day and sees nothing wrong with her style of parenting. My husband is being scrutinized by his siblings (that all have their own substance abuse problems now) for not having a relationship with her. What do you think? Just trying to see if people really think he's being unreasonable.

Answer 1

Your husband has very unhappy memories of his childhood.  His mother sounds like a piece of c**p and under the circumstances, I wouldn't want a relationship with her either. I wouldn't want my children around her (alone anyway) and until she cleaned up her act, I would not put forth the effort.  His siblings need to butt out.  They sound like they all have issues and want to lash out at the only one that doesn't find this way of life acceptable.

Good luck.  I'm huge on family but just because you are related to somebody doesn't mean you have to claim them.

Answer 2

Baby~Girl, My husband went through sort of the same situation growing up.  His mother and step father had a gambling problem, had five kids and they all lived in a one room motel for a year and a half.  His two older brothers ran away and he was 7 having to steal food from corner stores to feed his younger siblings, he had to stay home from school to care for them, as his parents wouldnt come home for days.  I say you and your husband are better off.  If you have children together as we do, then you and him have already started your own 'family' and all you need is each other.  Support him fully in whatever decision he makes as he prolly has insecurities bc of his mother.  Show him how a real mother is supossed to be by being the best mother to your child.  If his bros and sis's think he's being unreasonable, then their drug habits are prolly talkin, not them.  Tell him to keep his head up, and personally, I'd disown them all!

Answer 3

Your husband is NOT being unreasonable.  He is doing what is right for himself, his children, and you by not having her in your lives.  I am glad to see him breaking the vicious cycle of abuse that many people who were abused as children end up dealing with.  Your husbands siblings are entitled to feel however they want about his choice to have no relationship with their mother, but at the end of the day, it is he who must deal with the choices he has made.  It sound to me like he has done well in NOT becoming the type of parent his mother is, and kudos to him for that!!!

Answer 4

Good for your husband for seeing an unhealthy situation and removing himself from it. His mother will burn in h**l. Thank God he turned out okay, regardless of the poor (understatement)  treatment he endured.

I say you guys cut your ties with all of them and NEVER look back. Your future is going to be so much better than his horrible past. It almost has to be!

Tell him that he is doing the right thing. No matter how horrible other people may try and make him feel about  it. He can protect himself now... and his kids need him to protect them also.

Answer 5

Your husband is being very reasonable, and you are, too, for supporting him 100%.  

Your husband's family is still dysfunctional while your husband has learned to break the cycle.  I can only imagine how difficult it was for him to do that without getting sucked back in .... sounds like he has a wonderful support system.  The family will remain in their abusive/co-dependent state until THEY decide on their own to break the cycle for their own family's sakes -- which may be never.

You guys are on the right track.  And don't let the others try to make you feel bad for being "healthy".  Living well is the best example ...

Best Wishes.