What do you think about a baby living with a relative until the mother is capable of raising the child?

Question

I'm taking care of a 16 yo girl who is 8 months pregnant. She is considering adoption, parenting, or allowing the child to live with an aunt and uncle until she graduates high school and nursing school.

If she chooses to parent, she can not go back home to live with her mom and dad as they do not want to raise the baby. What could her other options be if she chooses to parent?

What about allowing the baby to live with the aunt and uncle? I thought this was a good idea at first but then I remembered I had a cousin who was in her same situation, except her parents helped her raise the child. When she graduated college and got married, she tried to get her son to live with her. He refused and was miserable for the short time he tried to live with her. He eventually went back home to his grandma and grandpa. What if her baby does not want to live with her when he is 5 or 6 yo and she is ready for him to? What if her aunt and uncle end up not wanting to give the baby back?

Answer 1

i think the best option would me if she and the baby could go and live with her aunty and uncle and she does the parenting when shes not in school and they help her out when shes in School and the odd evening or day at the weekend so she can still spend time with her friends. This way once she has graduated and set up in her own home the baby will have always known her as their mother so will have no problem in going to live with her.

I hope this helps you?

Answer 2

Why can she not parent?

I was 16 when I got pregnant with my daughter. I chose to keep her and parent after considering adoption. I parented with the help of family. I was a single mom, I went to school, I worked a job, I rocked and fed my daughter. I slept very little and had no social life what so ever. But I was a success and now she is 12. I have been married for 10 years to her father the man who was my childhood sweet heart and he adopted her. We have another daughter togther and are living in Romania. It was not easy but I did it.

Answer 3

I think she and the baby should live with the aunt and uncle. They should help her as much as they can (especially if they planned to raise the child one on one to begin with ). She should continue to go to  school and nursing school. And then once she has graduated from both and gets a job she can move out on her own.

I think you are right that it would be detrimental to the child if he is taken away from the only home that he knows, once she decides that she is mature enough to be a parent.

If she is not given any form of responsibility from the start she will never be ready.

Answer 4

My personal opinion: the best interests of the child should always come first.  It is very rare for a child's best interests to include separation from biological family.  If no abuse/neglect is involved, the child really should stay with family.  Guardianship (with the aunt and uncle) would be a good "second best" until Mom is able to parent.

And when Mom is able to parent, if the child decides that s/he wants to stay with Aunt/Uncle, then the family needs to sit down and talk it out, and decide what would be in the best interests of the child.

Either way, this child will have the opportunity to know his/her mother.  How could that possibly be a bad thing?

Answer 5

I think this young girl is in denial

she probably doesnt even fully believe she is indeed pregnant

I think that she needs counseling and someone to talk to her....

all the things you just said to us,you should also be saying to her....

I dont think she should give the baby away completely unless she plans to never be a parent to her child.....(in which case she could do a very open adoption to where she could see the child in person every now and then,see pictures of the child and swap letter,etc....but then she would never get the child back as her own)

If she does want the baby to be in her life at some point,then she does need to have it in her life from the get go.....

She shoulnt jut give the baby away for a few years,she should keep the baby and live with someone (such as yourself or a relative)who would HELP her.....not do it all for her....while shes finishing school and or college....She will need a lot of help though.....but sometimes not doing it all ,is more help than if you do....

You seem to care a great deal for this girl,why dont you be the one to help her....she's already living with you....why not let her continue after the baby is born......

And yes you should have her help out with your baby,to get her ready for having a baby herself....but I wouldnt just take off and leave her with the baby,because then she will just feel like youre using her,yanno......

instead have her do simple tasks while you are there to supervise and intervene if needed......

That way she will see just what its going to be like taking careof a baby on her own and then decide wether to keep the baby or adopt it out......

I think unless she's going to adopt it out permanently,then giving the baby away for a few years is the worse scenerio she could do....

Answer 6

all those are options but the aunt and uncle one sounds alot more complicated. because your right what if the baby doesn't want to live with her when it's older or what if the aunt and uncle don't want to give the baby back. i thing she should consider putting the baby up for adoption or taking care of the baby herself. all mothers want to do what's right for their children even if they don't raise the baby. my friend who passed away late last year made her daughters legal gaurdian when she was pregnant with her the father signed over his rights while she was pregnant so i became like the second mother, since she was on drugs during her pregnancy she knew that she would lose the baby which she did so i've had my daughter since she was born she is 2 now her father wanted to take her back but the courts said no because he signed over his rights and they didn't think he was fit, this girl is going to have to do that if she has a family member take care of the baby like my daughter's biological parents had to do. even though my daughter's biological mother later committed sucide her father still wanted to take her but they later found out some things that the courts could n't let her go with him and i didn't want her to go with him

she really has to consider all the possiblities anything can happen

Answer 7

Well, sometimes it takes actually holding the baby in your arms to change things. Right now she can disassociate with the baby because she hasn't held it yet. And yes she is young. I was 16 with my first child too!.

And yes I think a relitive would be fine to help out, So she can finish school. I am in about the same situation right now. My daughter has a 2 yr old son that is a great handful. She is not ready for a second child, because she is in the Navy and stations in Guam. But she is haveing a lot of trouble with her ovaries and the doctor told her she should think about the second child before she won't be able to have it. So we have discussed me taking the baby until she feels more able to handle both children

I have a feeling that as soon as its born she will be fine and just as capable as the rest of the millions of women that have 2 or 3 kids at a time.

I think you are wonderful for helping her. I feel sorry that we can't get though to these young kids about having s*x. But God made us the way we are and society doesn't help it along.

Good luck.

Answer 8

I am very hesitant about the temporary guardianship thing unless it is REALLY temporary for exactly the reason you described.  

The child bonds to the people he/she lives with, who are "parents" to him/her and then when the natural mother decides she's ready, she gets to uproot the child, take away everything that he/she has, for love, stability and security.

So this girl is 16.  She probably has anywhere from 2-3 years of high school and anywhere from 3-5 years for nursing school.  So, in approximately 5-8 years, she is going to decide she's ready to be a parent?

I'm sorry.  I can't see how that's in the best interests of the child.  

If the aunt/uncle are willing, guardianship or adoption would be the better alternative, IMHO.

Answer 9

I think it is always best to keep children with the biological family when at all possible.

That being said, I have known a few situations where it has been very difficult for both the mother and the children to reunite following several years of living seperate....

It would be ideal if mom can stay with her baby and not live in a different home....  Maybe her aunt and uncle will allow her to stay with them---and finish school with their help?

Answer 10

I think that either Adoption or she needs to parent herself...Maybe the relatives can adopt the child...You can't have a baby and put it on the shelf until you are ready to take care of it...

Answer 11

That maybe its best for the baby.

Answer 12

good job!!!

Answer 13

Adoption sounds like the most reasonable option in this case.  She got pregnant as some children do.  She decided to keep it as she has that right to do.  If she knows she is not ready to be a parent, which is a tough decision at such a young age, she needs to consider allowing a family that does not have children or cannot have them, or a family that is looking to take in a child such as this one who would be better cared for in this day and age by responsible adults and she should allow herself the opportunity to be a child.  It is the responsible thing to do.  She will be glad that the child went to a loving family that can provide what children need.  

She made a mistake and part of learning from that mistake is to now choose the most appropriate path for the child so the child can prosper and she can graduate and perhaps go to college and make a good life for herself.  Later in life the child may question why she gave him/her up to another family and she can tell the child that it was better to do that than to allow the child to suffer the consequences of an immature and unstable teenager to raise it.  If the child is raised well by the adoptive parents, there should be no ill feelings and she should be proud that she could make such a huge and life altering decision at such a young age.

I feel you are doing a wonderful thing helping her out during this time in her life.  She needs the support.  If she so chooses to keep the baby, which some just cannot let go of their baby and that needs to also be understood, then there are homes out there that will help foster the mom and child I believe but she may need to look into that now.  A life of welfare is no life at all.  May she make the best decision for herself and her child and may she be happy in it.

Good luck and thanks for being a kind person.

Answer 14

She should call her aunt and uncle..what if they say no to this? I do think that would be the best route for her to go..let her baby live with her aunt and uncle and make sure shes involved. maybe she could live there also? If her aunt and uncle are opposed to this then adoption sounds best. You are right. She is 16 and most likely not ready for a child..she is still a child herself..but giving her child to her aunt and uncle will assure that she will be able to be in his/her life when shes able to. and if she sticks around from day one the baby will most likely want to live with her later on. As long as the child knows who she is and that she loves him/her. If for some reason the child doesnt want to live with her then thats how it should be. Thats what she will be risking by doing family adoption..there is that chance! however, it seems like a better choice to know where your child is and who is careing for him/her

good luck

Answer 15

I agree with you that she does need to get it together and make a decision. Its getting close and its going to be a lot harder for her to make the best decision at the last second.

I think in the right situation the family helping out until she is ready could work. I think that in order for it to work she would still need to be a big part of that child's life. The child would need to identify her as the mother and the aunt and uncle as such. She should spend as much time with the child as possible and actually do as much of the parenting as possible. The aunt and uncle should allow her to parent with their supervision. It probably wouldn't hurt for her to stay in the same area once she was able to take the child herself, and it shouldn't just be done overnight, a slow progressing transition from one home to the other. (did any of that make sense?)

As for her interest, it could be a cause for concern. Or it could just be that she is being a 16 yr old, and nothing has phased her yet. I am sure it all feels very unreal to her.

I think that the best way you could help her is to sit her down and talk about how she feels about the baby and come up with some pros and cons of each situation.

Does the father take any interest in the child? If not, I think it should be her decision to make him a part of the decision making or not. If he does then certainly include him.

Answer 16

If she wants the child to be okay with moving back in with her, she needs to be in the child's life continuously.  She needs to be "Mom" even though the child would be temporarily living with someone else.  Also, let the child know right from the start that the situation is temporary.  As an adoptee that grew up with no love (everything I needed physically but not lovingly) I always say that the natural mom needs to raise the kids if possible.  Her parents need to be more supportive.

Answer 17

I think that allowing the baby to live with her aunt and uncle would be a wonderful alternative to adoption OR parenting.  It would enable the baby's mom to finish her education, so that she could provide for her child in the future.   She could also remain heavily involved in his life from day one, so that he KNOWS she is his mom, and can continue to bond with her and build a relationship with her until the time she's ready to raise him herself.

Of course, in order to protect everyone concerned (including the mother, the aunt and uncle, and the baby), an attorney should be consulted, and some papers should be drawn up naming the aunt and uncle as legal guardians until the mother was able to take on that responsibility herself.

Answer 18

personally,  I would see if BOTH mom AND baby can live with aunt and uncle while she still needs help.. she can try to find a part-time job to help with her living expenses (food, laundry detergent, other expenses that will increase for her aunt and uncle if she lives with them).. sure, working while getting education will be a struggle, but she got herself into this, and working hard to support her and her baby will do alot of good for helping her "mature."

That would be ideal for all involved.. she would still be the babies "mommy" the whole time, she'd just be getting alot of help raising him till she and baby were ready to "go it alone."  Of course both baby and aunt and uncle will want to see each other often.. they'll be bonded..

That's just  my best suggestion.. .

Answer 19

I think the best thing is to let the baby live with the aunt - if the aunt agrees. That way the girl can still go to school and see her baby. The child might not want to leave the aunts house when she is ready to take on the responsibility of the child but at least if he stays with the aunt she can still have a relationship with him.

As far as the father of the baby, I would try to include him. If he doesn't want to be a part of the child's life then at least the child has the uncle as a father figure. It's best that the father is involved but he too is just a child.

I think the best thing is to make it possible for her to stay in school. She needs to get an education.

Answer 20

It seems like adoption would be the best for the child.

There needs to be more acception in our society to giving up a baby for adoption. It's the best for everyone involved.

Answer 21

This is what I would do: have her live with the willing aunt and uncle so they can HELP her raise the child while she finishes high school and nursing school, but they do not have to be the parents alone. That way, she is still the parent, and the child does not have any issues over not bonding with her. Because if it is not done this way, the child WILL have a big problem with leaving the aunt and uncle, there is no question, I've seen the same thing many times. If she does not want to do this, she can protect her rights as a parent by getting an attorney to draw up documents that give the aunt and uncle guardianship only, not custody, and stating that the guardianship can be terminated by her when she is ready. In her situation, she should qualify for legal aid. But she does need to think about the emotional trauma to the child. This kind of thing is no different than divorced couples where one parent is never around for years, then decides to re-enter the child's life and can't understand why the child does not want them in it at that point. The formative years are very important.

Answer 22

ok, since the girl is only 16, i think that she should give the baby to the aunt and uncle until she is able to take care of them. Are the aunt and uncle willing to take her in too?  To avoid the "not wanting to go back to the mom" situation, maybe she could live with the aunt and uncle during winter, spring, summer vacations and visit often so that the baby knows who she is, so she isnt some random girl who cmes to take him away.

Answer 23

You say her parents, and you don't want to push this girl, but she is in desperate need of a push.  A child's life depends on the decisions she makes now.  Without parental support, she will not be able to raise this child.  She is too young and uneducated.  Temporary guardianship would be a disaster for the baby.  He or she will bond with the guardians just like parents, and to take a child away from the only parents it has ever known is barbaric.  Encourage her to give the child up for adoption.  The number one priority right now is to give the baby a decent life.  The first two options would definitely not provide that.

Answer 24

If she is going to give the baby up for adoption and the aunt and uncle want the baby, it seems that is the best solution.  Obviously she can still see the child but it would not be hers.  I dont think it would be fair to the child to try to pull him/her out of a loving home because she all o a sudden wants to be a mother.  If she gives the baby to an aunt or uncle then she doesnt need to worry if the baby went to a loving family or how the child is doing, etc.  It sounds like a tough situation but she only has a month to go here and she needs to realize what is going to happen and what is not.  She needs to come to some decisions before she has the baby.

Answer 25

As someone who has been raising a relatives child since 2001 I will answer this....

DD now seven has been very upset for the last two years about the finalization of her adoption. She could not rationalize everything that was going on.

You can NOT place children on Lay-a-way until a parent can be in the child's life.  Children develop a bond with their primary caregiver......how is the child going to cope when you pack them up and say "Your going to live with so and so?

I suggest the child remain with the relatives. Shame on this girls parents for telling her she can't go home. Perhaps the mother would be better of staying at her aunt and uncles too.

Answer 26

that's one of the exact things i fight for!!!!  family preservation!!!

so, YES.  that's the best scenerio for her and her child.

Answer 27

i think its great you are trying to help her and the maturity she lacks you certainly have for the situation at hand...yes all of those things do need to be considered..because the aunt and uncle may end up being the parents to that child...if she is not in the day to day life of the infant and she wont be if she still lives with her parents...how then is she going to be able to stumble into the role as the child grows..the baby will form attatchments with the people that it bonds with..which more than likely will be the aunt and uncle..if she isnt ready to be a mom now and it sounds as though she isnt..she needs to consider an open adoption..and im not a huge fan of adoption..but in this instance...its foster care or adoption..she doesnt have many other options...if she did open..she would still be able to have a small part in the childs life just as she would if the aunt and uncle raised it for her..i have a friend that has had her grandson for 10 out of the 11 years of his life..the one year he lived with his mom..and it was horrible for all concerned she has went on to have two other children..he knows they are his sibs but he chooses to live with his grandma and calls her grandma..occasionally he slips and says mom..but he knows who is who...he does not call his mom mom though..he seems like a great kid...but his mother was 16 when she had him and incapapble of backtracking now and taking care of him despite the other two kids she now has as well...