What do you think about a guy who gets together with a women that has three kids?

Question

I got together with my girlfriend about 9 years ago. She had children that were 1, 6, 9. We having been living together for the past 8.5 years and have had our ups and downs. We live as a family and I treat the children as my own. There as still so many questions so I might just break it down and have futher questios about it later. But for now I just want to get an idea of what people think? Do these things usually work out well? Would you do it? I am also a pretty bad influence and enable the children. I don't mean but it hurts my wife when I do it. For instance, I gave my stepson a discount ticket that I bought for the movies cuz he was going. I forgot he was grounded and that I was not suppose to give him any money. I hate to be the bad guy and always seem to say yes. As a stepfather you never want to be the bad guy. It might be difficult for others to understand. There is little if any contact with real father. This yes attitude is not good for the children and my wife is getting pretty tired of it. It is hard for her cuz she is at work till 6 or 7 and i get home at 4 so I am home with the kids a lot more and have to do the cooking and the cleaning. What should I do so that I can be a better stepfather?

Answer 1

I think it's wonderful that you are stepping in and being a dad. I know a woman who has a couple of kids out of wedlock and is very happy that the man she is married to acts like a real father to them. As far as giving the kids a little extra something, that's not bad. My dad gave me money for clothes when I was growing up because I wanted to fit in more and my mom thought I could live with hand me downs. You sound really kind and as nice as any father could be.

Answer 2

Being a step parent is a challenge, however the best way to handle this on is with open communication. First you and your wife need to agree upon how to raise the children. If you two are doing the opposite your not doing any good for the children. You can't use your personal feelings to gain the childrens acceptance. You must stand together with their mom to ensure that discipline and rewards are carried out equally with BOTH of you. Why would you undermind her authority just so you won't look like the bad guy? seems inmature to me. You need to work together, it'll be the only way for your overall family relationship to work. I would say if their father is not in the picture and you've been taking care of them for the past 8 years, you must consider yourself the only dad they really know. You must hold yourself to a higher standard and do what's best for the family not for your own personal feelings of self worth. It would be a terrible shame to have another one of their family units broken apart because your wife feels you and she are working in opposite directions and can not come to terms with child rearing. You're a team, you are their dad....step up work together and be their dad.  

Answer 3

Lots of guys would, so quit giving yourself a medal! Be the best you can be, and support her in every way you can.  

Answer 4

Awww you sound so sweet! Most men wouldn't want to get with women who don't have children. But you are very considerate and sincere to be treating them as your own children. I'm sure your girlfriend loves that. Well if you want to be a better stepfather, every time you see your girlfriend just ask her what's up with the kids so you're informed on if they're grounded or not.

Answer 5

The shoe was on the other foot for me.  Eight years ago I met and fell in love with a guy who has three kids.  He has custody so right away I became an instant Mom.  Dealing with his (two ex's) and his three kids wasn't and still isn't easy at times.  I come from a very strict home where kids were seen and not herd.  We had a lot of responsibility and basically took care of ourselves.  My husband on the other hand came from a home where his Mom did everything, and he let his kids do whatever they wanted whenever they wanted to do it.  He believed that in order to maintain peace and show the kids love he had to "give in" all the time.  Right away I became the bad guy and he was always to good guy.  This was a huge issue and in order for us to comprimise, me get a little more relaxed and him step up in disicipline we decided we needed to agree on the rules and the consequences and always present a united front.  We went to a six week parenting coarse where we learned to communicate about it and set realistic expectations on the kids.  It worked!  Eight years later were still going strong, and the kids know that I am the Mom that will take care of them, and love them no matter what.  I make sure they have fun, but that balance is still there.  My husband every once in a while will be dupped by the kids into saying yes when I have already said no.  But that rarely happens now.  I commend you for taking on such a huge responsiblity and caring for the children like they are your own.  Make things easier on yourself, and your girlfriend by discussing rules and consequences then inform the kids together.  Then stick to it!  Giving in all the time just gives the kids the impression that you are the yes Man and Mom is the mean one.  Trust me it hurts to always have to be the bad guy.  I wish you luck, and I hope everything works out for you.  Keep up the good work!

Answer 6

They sound pretty lucky to have you. If you are going to be a parent to these kids you have to be on the same page as your girlfriend. Both of you should equally be the good guy and bad guy and back each other up. If you keep being the "yes guy" the kids will never respect you. Find time daily to communicate about what is going on with each other, the kids and household. Give the kids a united front.

Answer 7

Raising kids isn't a popularity contest.

It's also not about you.

First of all, grow some ca hones, next, get with her and set up a simple set of ground rules for dealing with the kids, an finally, COMMUNICATE!

If you'd asked the son if he was grounded, and he'd lied, that's grounds for further punishment!

Instead, you want to be the good guy, and you screwed up!!

News flash:  Being the good guy doesn't earn you respect, it means you're a pansy weight, a pushover.   You may think they like it, but every kid wants to respect the people responsible for raising them.

Sit them down, tell them there's a new Sheriff in town.......YOU!

If you ever have any doubts........have them ASK THEIR MOM!

Luck

Answer 8

I think you doing a good job just doing what you do, don't be so hard on yourself neither do I think she should, in this world of fatherless children. I am proud of you just for sticking to it, and not quiting it. Now if you want to be better, Learn to say NO they will not like it at first. but they may appreciate it later in life. This is the first word we learn as children then fear sets in from parents and authority figures; from saying No, so we must get past our own feelings and emotions, so our children can learn to adapt to the word and the real world, give them no so they can have healthy relationship with there children, because yes is good, but the word no sets boundaries for us all, and when we break these boundaries, we know we are headed in the wrong direction; and correction is needed! spare the rod spoil the child, that's what the Bible teaches, and a rod can be the word No, so read it.  This is the format you can go from for children; theres a lot in there about raising children. As well as for children.  

Answer 9

wow your in the same shoes as me, I met my wife thrue her brother that works with me and she also has three kids, we all went skating and the kids where great so we made a second date and a third and be fore we knew it we was all moving intoghter and we married  and we all get along just great, there real dad  is not a part of there lifes unless i take them to his house and pick them up they all call me dad and i treat them all the same, and i always say yes to unless they are grounded, but let me say this, my wife will tell the kids if they ask her some thing,,,, go ask your dad,, thats me

Answer 10

My hat is off to you. Instant family isn't easy, just ask my step Dad. He ended up with a step-son that was 6 and two emotionally damaged teenage daughters.

I will tell you this. If my Dad had been a "push over". Not wanting to be the bad guy. We would have walked all over him and I doubt we would have the respect we have for him to this day.

Backing your wife's choices is as important as her backing you. If you show a untied front then disipline is a lot easier down the road.

You don't know how many tantrums, "I hate you  Mom" " Your so unfair" I heard from my own children. But guess what they never mean it. If at the end of the night when the children are tucked safely in bed. You know you did the right thing for your children's future, Their behavior and knowing there are rules and punishments in life. You are offically a step-dad

Answer 11

I know it will be hard , but , you need to start being more like a Father figure and not a friend . They will respect you more for the boundries you give them than the freedome you give them . They will love you for being a Father to them and teaching them right from wrong . It is Ok to be the bad guy sometimes . Life is not always fair and we all need to follow the rules . You need to look at the kids more as yours and hers and not just hers as you have now been in their life for the past 8 1/2 years . Your wife will be happier that you are making an effort to stick to the rules . I think it is wonderful that you have taken on the responsibility of three stepchildren and are helping around the house . I wish you good luck and May God Bless you and your family .  

Answer 12

Take some parenting courses or read a book on parenting.  

Answer 13

Sorry, but to be a step-father you have to be married to their mother. Even though it's been 8.5 years your really moms live in boyfriend. That does effect how the children see you and respond to you. It sets the example for them as well.

To your question. Being a good paternal figure isn't about being liked or popular with the kids. It isn't about being the good guy. It isn't about saying yes. It's about knowing when to say no. It's about thinking of what is best for the child five years from now rather than instant gratification.

I do understand that sometimes one wants to overcompensate with the kids because you feel bad that they don't have a relationship with the father. You don't mention they do. That alone makes you say yes when you should not. It's compassionate but not healthy.

I also understand that you want the kids to like you. That makes saying yes very easy. However, it teaches them nothing. It does not teach them boundaries or responsibility. That's what I mean by thinking of what's best for them five years down the road.

You sound like a good guy who is embracing circumstances that lesser men would run from. Good for you. You should be proud. We need more men like you. Now be an even better man by learning to say no (and maybe getting married?)

Most of all, and this is the most important thing, work as a team with their mom.

Answer 14

Yes I think this can work and in fact know that it has for many families, personally I would accept a woman with kids, but I'm a little old for that now. What does occur to me is that after 81/2yrs. you still suck at being the father figure there. as I'm sure you girlfriend has told you. the thing is you have a responsibility to prepare these children for the world and that is not something you can do on a part time bases. it's cool that you want the kids to like you but you should be earning their respect not friendship. and you must keep your mind on what is best for them at all times. I think it's great that you help with the cooking and cleaning and all but you need to know where she stands at all times so your not undermining her authority .   Good Luck