What do you think about how my 18 mth old daughter was treated?

Question

My husband and I went to visit his parents and take our 18 month old daughter to see them. At the end of our visit his dad went to pet her on the head to say bye and she started screaming because she doesn't like her grandparents and he screamed back at her like mocking her but louder and scared her and my husband said you are scaring her. Then we left politely. I don't approve of him acting this way and my dad would never do anything like this and I tried talking to husband about it and really didn't get anywhere he just kept making accusses for him. But I don't think this is excusible. He was being a mean B*stard! He also has 2 young sons and treats them pretty much the same way really mean and intimidating.

Would you continue to make regular visits there and how would you convince you hubby that your child never needs to be there unsupervised. I have never let them take care of her and never will, but he is always telling me they want to keep her and that I shouldn't be keeping her from her grandparents.

Answer 1

I agree with the below person..trust your gut. I am the same way though..Children have a special sense about people..they can tell the good from the bad..Be firm. Let you husband know that there is something wrong with the whole situation and that you have a gut feeling that something will go wrong, and to allow you to make the best choice for your children. If you say no, that means no.

I am the same way with my husbands family. He has a BIG family, and only two people can watch my son by theirselves. so..I feel ya.

Answer 2

That is a hard one. If you don't feel comfortable leaving her with them than don't. If your husband persists ask him how he would feel if you insisted on leaving her with someone he wasn't comfortable with.

As for visits, you really do want the grandparents involved in her life. You might want to sit down and talk with them saying how you feel about their behavior and how it makes your daughter feel, and if they continue, that visits will have to be very limited because your daughter is terrified of them and you will not continue to bring nor leave her in a situation where she is scared and does not feel safe and comfortable.  

Answer 3

chill, ma ma.  your hubby knows him best.  don't be so over-protective.  you'll smother her.  everyone's different.  thank God.

Answer 4

You have a natural nurturing sense about yourself.

Follow your instincts. Instincts will lead the way in this situation.

The grandparent has different parenting style and "screaming back" as I know some parents do the "see what sounds like" to their children.

To each of their own; however, I find it appalling.

Your husband might make excuses out of : embarrassment of his own parents doing this or this is how he was raised as it doesn't phase him.

This isn't a matter of keeping her from his parents. You let them see your child. It is a matter of respecting and treating the child right.

If the child is screaming and upset, obviously shouldn't scare the poor child more by screaming back at them!

What you can do is go over there and set limits. let them know that wasn't acceptable. They raised their children how they wanted to and now it is your turn to raise your children how you want to.

I agree, no unsupervised visits. Get a trusted babysitter/nanny cam (my opinion). As the child gets older, then you can decided then on unsupervised visits (at your home? nanny cam to keep an eye out while you are not there to help build that trust etc).  

Answer 5

Wow. First of all - I cannot believe anyone would treat a child like that .. much less a 2yr old.

Secondly - there is no such thing as grandparent's rights. A grandparent has absolutely no legal right to see a grandchild. It is purely up to the discretion of a parent whether or not they see their grandchild.

Third ... Your husband needs to listen to your concerns and stand by YOU. When you get married and start a family - you leave your family behind. Not literally of course, but they aren't involved in your daily life anymore as they were prior to you starting your own family. Your husband needs to respect how you feel, and you need to explain everything to him in a way to where he wont feel as though you are simply "attacking" his dad. Be sensitive because that is his father.

Lastly - I would not continue regular visits until the situation is cleared up. Have your husband talk to his dad about everything, or leave your child with someone while all three of you sit down and talk. Either you or your husband need to explain to your father in law that while you understand he has one way of raising his kids, that this is your daughter, and you don't feel his behavior is appropriate for your daughter to be around.

Answer 6

When it comes to your child things should never be taken lightly.  If your husband really didn't handle the situation you should have stepped in  I would have told him firmly to stop screaming at her because it scares her and if he would have continued I would have just left.  You also need to explain to your father in law the reason that your daughter can't stay is because of the way he acts; mean, intimidating etc.  

Answer 7

The thing that works best, and so many people rarely do is to just sit down with your in-laws and hash it out. If they are receptive and work to fix it, you have succeeded. If they are stubborn, you still win, because you know for sure if they're reliable or not.

A lot of grandfathers are that way, because kids were raised differently when they were growing up. This is both good and bad.

Bad because fathers did not show enough caring devotion to their children or grandchildren.

Good, because children did not used to be so sensitive. You need to talk to your little girl and let her know that grandpa likes to act silly sometimes. Then maybe she'll laugh instead of screaming.

Answer 8

Always trust your instinct.

Answer 9

it sounds like he doesnt know how to act around children.  This may not be his fault. He could be rude or a jokester and not even realize it because of the way he was brought up.  However, I would have your husband tell his father to act appropriately towards your baby if he still wants to see her.  I would definitely keep her supervised around him until he can act like a mature and kind individual around her.

Answer 10

Tell him that as a mother, you are going to be very skeptical about how your child is treated. Let him know that if he does not agree to have your daughter supervised when they are there and talk to his father about how he treats his grandchild, she is simply not going. When you put your foot down and his parents keep bugging him to leave your daughter there, he is going to listen.

Answer 11

Your father-in-law is just the way he is. My grandpa was pretty mean too and it's his natural self. He can be  funny but he does it mockingly or something like that. We're all used to it. My stepdad's mom, she's a good old lady, very religious and very strict and she likes to make children cry! She tried to make my first-born cry by pretendind she's angry at him, and he did. She wasn't successful with my second... Haha..

I understand how you feel, there are certain behaviors that are inexcusable and some that we will never grow to accept. But don't keep her from her grandparents. I know I don't like how my in-laws spoil my oldest, but they're the grandparents. I can only comment and ask them nicely to do things my way. It doesn't always work! But they love my kids and my kids love them. It's all that matters to me. I hope you find a way to tell your husband's dad to be more gentle with his granddaughter. Maybe the next visit? :)

Just relax. If you can't leave her there, then don't. But when it's bonding time for them, just stay out on the sidelines. Let your child get to know them and to learn to be comfortable with her own grandparents because they're no strangers, they're family. :)

Answer 12

how often does she see them? she may be afraid of them because she doesn't know them kids like to be around who they are familiar with. but your right his behavior would make me not want to bring my child there. tell your husband that until he starts treating her nicely and not screaming in her face then she won't be there unsupervised.  

Answer 13

Based on the question you posed you are overreacting to one incident, as a parent that is easy to do.  Some people it takes time for a child to warm up too, and doing a mocking scream back at a child isn't cruel and it is effective sometimes, sometimes it makes them laugh and stop screaming.  It works on my kids all the time, though admittedly not with strangers they don't like.  He was just trying to make her laugh, that's all.  Don't be too harsh on him.  If you don't want him to do it again, tell him so and let it go at that.  See how he responds to this, if he doesn't respect your wishes then you have a problem.  Some people kids just don't like, and sometimes they have to warm up to them.  If he is just plain creepy, and he is drunk, has threatened to hurt you or your husband on more than one occasion or you have called the police on him (believe me I have known this to happen in the course of a few days).  That is a good indication when someone is not allowed to see a child.  Give these parents another chance.  He just did something the child wasn't ready for.  But if you are honestly afraid he would hurt your child, then there is a problem.  And make sure you take into consideration your husband's feelings.  When you are criticizing his parents your are criticizing him whether you mean too or not.

Answer 14

Well it sounds like your husband did not like it either.  He told his dad that he was scaring her, and obviously wanted him to stop.  I dont think he was making excused for him, he probably just felt threatened when you confronted him on the matter.  I would just let it be, and never leave her alone there. Never leave your daughter there alone, and next time you see him doing something confront him and make it VERY clear that he is NOT to talk to your daughter like that, and that you are raising her in a comforting home and that screaming is not something you want her to be subjected to.

Answer 15

I think the grandpa was insulted and handled it by acting like a child himself, vs. understanding that it can take babies awhile to get used to  other people. It is inexcusable. However , he is your hubby's dad so he will always defend him to an extent. So don't make a huge deal out of it, it will only cause you lots of grief. SO what I would do is just start being a bit more bold in a polite way. Next time when the dad does that say "oh please don't do that, that scares her" This your child, so don't be afraid to speak your mind, but you can do it in a blunt but respectful way. Take your baby over a bit less often, and when you do, make sure you are always around her, possibly hold her when he is in the room.

Answer 16

well i would be pissed . and no. i wouldnt make weekly visits. i would tell them  that o would not be coming back untill  his attitude changes. its was immature and child like to act like that to a little child.  frig that. if you cant act like adults they have no right to be around her.tell them that you didnt appreiate his attitude. that if they want to see her . that you suggest that they act like adults. that what i would do. my daughter comes first not someone feels.