What do you think about my poem.......criticms and suggestion please.........?

Question

Rain came and gone

She far away from me

I open my eyes in the dark

I miss her bottom of my heart

Sing for life, thou art sick

Cried for vision, could utter my tongue

Heart feels, thy life destroy

Just she is my lady

J---->21/06/08

that's it

thank you

Answer 1

Umm.. o.o

4 outa 10

Answer 2

Good job my dear one!

Greats poem and i'm like it!

that's it too.

thanks.

Answer 3

do you miss her bottom?

if so then I like it

but I would like to see more of such word play

Answer 4

Just keep working on it.

Answer 5

its good although you did misspell some things like she far away from me, " she's". and i miss her bottom of my heart , it should be i miss her from the bottom of my heart..

Answer 6

Work on your grammer and make it flow better. Keep working at it though if poetry is what you like.

Answer 7

Spelling and grammar.

Answer 8

i would change it to this

Rain came and gone

Now far away from me she lays

Darkness surrounds me

I miss her at the bottom of my heart

the second part i like.

Answer 9

Some of it doesnt make sense. . . and if that's what you really meant to say it just sounds like you can't use correct grammar :(

Answer 10

Are you trying free verse with artistic license, or do you want something that will be memorable to others?  I can definitely get the tone of the poem, but there are continuity issues that make it a choppy read.  Have you researched meters (Shakespeare wrote in iambic pentameter, and haikus use meters?)  That is one way to add continuity and flow.  Also, look at each stanza.  Notice how half of each stanza is grammatically correct and the other is not?  It's just fine to use incorrect grammar; that's the wonderful thing about poetry and artistic license.  But I would pick one and stick with it.  Proper or improper.  And use it until the end.

In the first stanza, the third line flows the best because it uses proper grammar, which rolls off the tongue and falls softly on the ears.  Reading it has the same effect.  If you can't recite it without tripping on the words, the reader will have the same reaction with his eyes.  Adding a few words to make it a smoother read will not detract from the poem.  Just the opposite.  On the other hand, if you want to use incorrect grammar, it definitely has its place in written word, but usually to convey that the author's level of education is relevant to the poem's subject.  Since this is a poem about lost love, lack of education, and therefore bad grammar, is inconsequential.

Good points: references to rain and the dark show that you're lost without her.  You're sad, and you can't see straight.  You feel like you're falling apart, and you want her back so you can go on living again.  Like I said, the tone is great.  Using imagery like the rain and the dark add awesome depth.

Answer 11

I like it even though in some parts it confuses me

Answer 12

Well I like the main idea of this poem, but some of it does not make sense, and the words are jumbled together.