What do you think about my poem? please critique!

Question

Stars shine

the moon rise

but you tell me

this isn't life?

The sun is coming

the clouds are white

but you tell me I'm not quite right?

If this is a fantasy

a life in my mind

what aren't things working right?

Why can't I sleep at night?

Why am I stressed?

If I'm living in my own world

shouldn't things be the best?

You see Doc, your logic's wrong

maybe you should see a shrink.

Your world is flawed

Answer 1

i think its pretty good!

the ending was totallly unexpected

good work <3 : )

Answer 2

nice.

Answer 3

That's really good!!!! Keep writing! :)

Answer 4

wow I really like that!!!

Answer 5

pretty good!  Loved the ending.  It was kinda unexpected.  I like that!

Answer 6

I like it, it has good imagery but I don't think it's a strong stand-alone piece ,in my opinion.  Why not create something to go along with it like a picture, painting or an object?  I think there is a lot of play in those words.

Keep writing for sure.  

Answer 7

Anne,

I love the metre and the story! It doesn't stray from it's premise at all and the structure is very solid... Poem schmoem, this is really close to being great lyrics for a hard rock song and there is room for it to be a soft, gentle easy listener too! You don't get any better feel than this sonnet couplet rhythm verse. With a little tinkering, it could be gold...   Grade  AAA++

AMNESIA

Stars shine

I'm still up,

Can you tell me

When will my eyes shut?

The sun approaches

Clouds are white,

Have you noticed

Something isn't right?

CHORUS

Is this a fantasy?

Is this a lie?

Sugarplums won't dance with me

It's all in my mind!

Awake for hours

Misunderstood,

Sleeping pills or powders

Won't do me no good!

Moon beams

Bright headlights,

Trapped by darkness

Things are bumping in the night.

I'm a hollow figure

Eyes blurry red,

Can't find the answers

I can't drown in a riverbed!

Oooooh Oooooooh...

GUITAR SOLO

CHORUS

Is this a fantasy?

Is this a lie?

Sugarplums won't dance with me

It's all in my mind!

Awake for hours

Misunderstood,

Sleeping pills or powders

Won't do me no good!

RELEASE

Will you be my friend?

Will you be my friend?

Thanks for sharing!

Answer 8

i love itt :) it's beautiful

-i don't think it should have a "pic" cause i think it is better if people had their own interpretation visually. but those wordss... i love it.. i feel like i can empithize with it :)

it's a little wierd like sometimes you're rhyming and sometimes you're not.. but i think you should expand on it and not try to rhyme it -it'd still be an awsome poem :)