What do you think about my writing?

Question

Exactly as the title says, what you think about my style of writing and such. Do you have any suggestions on how to improve?

This is just a story that I am working on, I actually haven't gotten much farther than this but if you would like me to send you the rest of the story (that I have so far) I would be glad to do so!

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I watched myself closely in the mirror, studying the slight glow around my slender figure provided courteously by the dim morning sun flooding in from the cheap polyester curtains that decorated my walls. I ran my fingers along the curves of my hips, pinching the fat that resided there, then releasing, and repeating. ‘Fat,’ I thought, ‘what a hideous flaw.’

I slipped my undergarments on hoping they would make my imperfections seems less noticeable- no luck. I traipse down the hall watching my barely visible feet take almost perfectly symmetrical steps, a voice suddenly broke the silence that I was so deeply emerged in, and it took a few seconds to wonder if it was actually me who had spoken or if it was someone else.

“What are you doing up?” I sighed as my temporary moment in mental insanity passed. “Briony, what are you doing up so early?” He repeated, his voice was sleepy, but sounded strong in comparison to the quiet of 5AM.

“I was just on my way to the kitchen for a glass of water. What, may I ask, are you up to at this hour?” I replied smartly. “I do hope you aren’t making any trouble,” I added, and watched the shadows shift around the features of his face as he changed expressions.

“Briony, you do realize that you aren’t wearing any clothes, and that the kitchen is in the completely opposite direction?” He answered with a smirk on his face,

“So?” I snapped. “Have you never seen a girl in her undergarments before? Oh that’s right, you probably haven’t!” And I hastily pushed past him, continuing down the hall, and letting the dark and the silence engulf me once more.

Answer 1

I like your style of writing but the dialogue seems kinda strange. Nice though, you write better than me ^_^

Answer 2

The only problem I'm having with the overall story is the last bit of dialogue [“Have you never seen a girl in her undergarments before? Oh that’s right, you probably haven’t!”]. It doesn't seem to fit the character. She seems very cool and calculating, and in the last burst she loses it. But then again it could be part of the story lol

I just can't get over the descriptions... they're amazing :)  

Answer 3

ehm. it's okay, i suppose.

your dialogues are a bit stiff, though. it doesnt seem to go well, as though it stops and gets stuck, somehow.

and the last bit... it seems a little amateur-ish. no offense, okay?

i'd like to read the rest of it though.

[e-mail]

Answer 4

i wanna be a writer as well, its good but a little too detailed, it has to flow, and be easy to read.  

Answer 5

It's cute. I like it.

Not much of a plot so far, but that's all right.

I would say check out your dialogue, it seems a bit stiff, a bit contrived.