What do you think about parenting classes for parents who abused and neglected their children?

Question

I think it's ridiculous. You can read books and take parenting classes to improve the skills and instincts you already have but I don't think taking parenting classes can turn someone who abused and neglected their children into a good parent.

I know some natural mothers didn't have good parental models to begin with but I don't think this is a good excuse. My mom did not always model what a good parent should be. She had anger problems. This makes me try even harder not to lose my temper around my son.

I think if you have to take parenting classes to learn not to abuse and neglect your child, you lack that mothering instinct to protect your child at all cost. I think parenting classes reflect what our society has come to: a bunch of people who don't want to take responsibility and control of our own lives. We always want to blame someone else for our own actions.

Anybody else's thoughts?

Answer 1

I think running courses like this are a good thing for parents.

because if the parent attends the course they obviously want to change for their children. they prob have seen the error in their ways and actually do care and love for their children.

i think they should pay for it though and goverment shouldnt offer funding for it because its the parents own fault.

Answer 2

I think to deny parents the opportunity to improve is very small minded of you.  As you say, some people lack the mother instinct. Why should you deny them the right to be parents?  More importantly, if their behavior can be modified, it would be wrong to deny the child to be raised by their parent.   As studies have often shown, even with neglect, children do better emotionally raised by their parent than taken from them. Abuse, which often includes physical injury,  is a different matter and depends on what the abuse entails.

My uncle has little mothering instinct, he is an alcoholic, his ex-wife who ran off and abandoned their two boys was an alcoholic.  Clearly, not the best example of a parent, but he raised 2 very fine sons from the ages of 2 and 3 with the help of the parenting classes that he attended as well as the individual assistance he received.  He certainly had a bad example of his father (my step-grandfather) who, while not physically abusive, was terribly verbally abusive.

Abuse and neglect include many different behaviors. Clearly, if the child is arriving continually at hospitals with injuries, this is not an example of someone who would likely benefit from parenting classes.    Some people are just plain dumb rather than deliberately neglectful.

Answer 3

Having come from an abused and neglected background, I would have to say that it depends what level of neglect.

Unfortunately there are very ignorant parents, that do really stupid things but have no clue how it affects their kids.  (They don't give IQ tests at maternity wards -for better or for worse.)  That doesn't mean that with some help they couldn't become great parents.  People who were raised like me benefit a lot from parenting classes because we wouldn't know what being a real parent is otherwise.  We never had one as kids.

If it is not a severe case of neglect then classes can make a huge difference, but in the case of serious abuse and neglect then I don't think it would help.  Only long time therapy and possibly medication would make a difference.  Even then it may not change the issues that cause the problems between parent and child.

"you lack that mothering instinct to protect your child "= Instinct doesn't help if protecting your kid means you have to fight off 3 gangbangers with guns- training does.  (Been there done that.  Gangbangers 25 to life / Mom won  Thank goodness for martial arts, makes a gun pretty worthless.)

Answer 4

I think a parent that has issues as far as abusing their child verbally or physically...needs help...Aparent has to learn not to take their anger out on an Innocent child.....I m for these classes....

Answer 5

I have to say that I am about 50/50 on this.  My sister-in-law took parenting classes when her and her ex husband got a divorce.  They went twice a week for 6 weeks.  She lost her three with him, and then had a son from another marriage.  She has been in abusive relationships ( two to be exact ).  Where the abuse is half her, half the guy.  And all the while, she puts my nephew through watching this and going through all of this.  They have had a home maybe 2 months out of a 12 month year, every year since he has been born.  She has taught another little kid to say F*** you, and she thinks it is cute!!!  So, parenting classes obviously has not changed her.  Which is very unfortunate for my nephew, who has been through h**l his 6 years of life.

Answer 6

I totally agree with you. If you don't have the natural instincts to be a good, loving and nurturing parent, you probably never will. You have to love your kids unconditionally and protect them at all costs. If you can't do that, then you should not have kids. No parenting class is going to teach anyone to love their kids. Kids deserve better. I came from an abusive childhood and NEVER in a million years would I subject my kids to that kind of lifestyle.

Answer 7

ahem, yes, anger problems...

I think parenting classes are a great idea, as well as other support, I have a good friend who does this professionaly, supports moms as they try to learn  tools and alternatives to destructive lifestyles.

People get better and improve their lives every single day.  I think it is beautiful.

eta:  Honey there is no way that I believe that if you can't control yourself on a message board, that you can control yourself in the very stressful situations childrearing can bring up.

I don't buy it, people with anger issues have anger issues, they don't have the anger hat to don on and off, and people with anger issues have them most at home, with their kids.

I have seen it up close and personal.

Ragers are child-abusers.

I suggest you look into a parenting class, try the local junior college.

Answer 8

I think it takes alot more than a parenting class to help someone who has abused. I don't think all abusers are capable of healing, and correction, but I do believe that some are.

I do not believe that ANY child should EVER be raised in a family where they are recieving abuse.

To wholeheartedly answer this question we'd have to define abuse. There are many different forms and I don't believe that children should be removed for some of them.

I've heard some people say that poverty is a form of abuse on children, a child should NEVER lose his/her parents because of poverty.

I believe that some families have had so many generations of abuse in their family from alcoholism, drugs, emotional abuse, physical abuse that it becomes a cycle that without the proper counseling and therapy and intervention, it can never be broken. But it CAN be broken and children deserve the chance at having whole, supportive, natural parents if possible.

Parents deserve to be taught the right way. And as I said above, i don't believe that a simple class can do this. I believe in family education in our school system. We learn about history, math, geology, etc. to prepare us for our future in school, but there is little family planning in the public education system in grades k-12. Very little. I took one class and it was a joke compared to the reality of parenting. Alot more needs to be done in the realm of improving our societys family skills.

I did however take a great number of family planning and child development classes in college but that is because I was studying to become an art therapist for children at the time, and you didn't see the average "mother" in those classes there to better the life of her future child. It was for psychologists to be. Even those classes lacked the depth of child psychology that I have learned since then through other avenues, including being a mother myself.

So don't tell me I'm an abuser because I want to see mothers and fathers being given an avenue of learning how to be parents before parenthood and during. When you have bad parents,  how do you know how to be a parent? when all you've known is abuse, its hard to correct the problem on our own without the intervention of a trained, experienced parenting professional, or therapist.

Are you aware of the psychological impact and developmental delays the loss of a mother has on an infant?

Can you compare the two traumas? Are you really trying to weigh the two and say that one is better than the other? wouldn't having NEITHER be the best for the child?

yes, i think it would.

Answer 9

Earlier this year I actually took some of these parenting classes, not because I was an abusive parent, but because I was adopting 4 brothers. I actually recommend them to everyone who has children or doesn't because I learned a lot.

Now for everyone that has responded to this, how many of you have ever been spanked? Or rather how many of you have spanked your children? Spanking could be considered a form of abuse, though often it is overlooked as a form of discipline. Sometimes it isn't an intentional or deliberate act that is the reason for abuse, but rather the lessons we learned when we were children. A person who is spanked for discipline will tend to discipline their children in the same manner.

Every situation is different and honestly it boils down to choice the parent can choose to accept responsibility for their actions and learn from them or they choose not to and blame others rather than placing blame where it is due.

I don't understand how taking a parenting class translates into people not wanting to take responsibility for their actions and control of their own lives. By taking the time to attend these classes you are accepting that perhaps you were doing something incorrect and have began to take control of your life with possible change if they choose to.

     People take classes to learn, to critisize someone who may not have been aware of the trauma their actions were causing and want to learn to change their approach is shallow. Life isn't black and white.

In short the parenting classes can help if the parent chooses to learn and make the changes.

Answer 10

I think there is a huge difference between an abuser who can be rehabilitated and one who can not. Sometimes abuse occurs due to a lack of something, support, knowledge, coping skills etc. In cases where the lacking stressor can be taught or gained these people make wonderful parents. In many cases, however, the abuse is malicious or done with the intent to abuse. These people should never have access to children, their own or others.

Not everyone is ingrained with what it takes to be a good parent. Hard work and dedication can and does overcome in these situations. I know a woman who was mentally abusive to her daughter without even knowing it was abuse, she was merely doing what she thought a mother was suppose to do. She was role modeling her own parents. She took a very in depth parenting course that was helpful and since then I have not heard one damaging phrase come out of her mouth.

For the record, I have NEVER been accused of neglect or abuse yet I too lost a child in foster care. You simply can not know a person's circumstances without knowing that person. Not all foster kids have parents who were abusive. And for another thing, I have an early childhood educator and in home support worker in my home once a week to give me "parenting lessons", this was a proactive choice on my part and I have learned so much about how to better stimulate my toddler as well as age appropriate learning and play ideas. Parenting skill classed and/or lessons are a valuable tool to any parent. It takes a village after all.

Answer 11

These classes are for people trying to unlearn previous learned behavior.  Not everyone is a 'natural' and if they are trying to make an honest effort to unlearn their bad behaviors, how can it be 'rediculous'.

Answer 12

I have mixed feelings about this.  I'm not a parent, but I am an alcoholic.  Had I had a kid while I was drinking, I would have made a terrible mother and my child would have been taken away.  But had someone given the me the support I needed to quit drinking (which I did, 13 years ago), I'd've been a fine mother.

I don't think people make such drastic changes very often.  But I know it can be done, and for me the prospect of getting my beloved child back would have been a powerful incentive.  IF there's close supervision and the child is not in immediate danger, why not give the parents a chance?

Answer 13

I say too little too late...

It does not take a class to tell a decent human being to NOT punch a child or lock them in the trunk. Parents make mistakes in decisions like organic or non-organic or how many hours of TV per week these are things that people who love their children mess up on, not do I or do I not lock my child in the closet. I personally think that if someone has it in them to do things like this than there is not a  class that is going to fix that.

Answer 14

I try to see the good in all people. So, i guess call me naive in thinking that parenting classes will help someone. I would like to think that if a parent abuses or neglects a child it is because of a much deeper issue. If that issue can be resolved then maybe they can become a better person and parent. Are there people out there that shouldn't parent?----Yes! Am i angry at my birth mother for not being a good parent. Of course! Her choices led my younger to siblings in to leading a bad life. Her one sound choice was to have two people raise me in a stable home. I guess i wish that all people can be a good parent.

Answer 15

Will you be putting words in your child's mouth too?

If so, I recommend parenting classes for you.

Quality parenting classes have the students first examine the parenting that the parents themselves experienced.  This helps them to see things from the child's perspective and provides the opportunity to empathize with them.  Which is what it takes to be a good parent - to empathize with the child.

Because most parents tend to repeat the type of parenting they experienced, it's not just overtly abusive parents who should consider taking classes.

And yes, I absolutely believe they are worthwhile.

Answer 16

Angry much? Sorry I will turn off the sarcasm now. Seriously, I think classes such as this sort are very necessary. You are right in saying not all mothers (or fathers) know how to parent because no one taught them what good parenting was.

Sad but very true, my ex didn't know how to be a good father, I do know how to be a good mother though. I left and never went back. He still hasn't done a thing to improve his parenting 12 years later. Some people will not learn, or take the lessons offered to heart. Simple fact. Others though, given enough time and patience turn into very good parents!

My own parents were actually very good parents. Not that they did everything right, but I had good parents. I wasn't hit, or verbally abused or mentally abused. I learned patience at my mothers and fathers knees. I learned to leave my anger at the door when my children have done something wrong. The best advice my mother ever gave me was this. When you find yourself angry, remove yourself or the child (small children can go in their rooms for timeout) from the situation. Breathe long and deep and calm down before you do something you will regret. Such as lashing out in anger and hitting or verbally abusing. My own children are much the same, no rages, no angry yelling or hitting. They just go into another room until they are calm and can address the situation without the anger.

Too many people don't even use that simple strategy, because they did not learn it. Parenting classes are something I think every parent can benefit from. I took several after my divorce, I had to learn how to cope with the anger that came with it. That I might have taken out on my children un-intentionally and done them harm permanently. My kids went to therapy as so did I. Not all of us have these options though. Offering these options to women and men who never learned how to parent effectively, or to those that had bad parental modeling is a godsend in many cases. No not every person who takes a class will suceed, but they should have the chance to change things. If they can't, well then the children should be removed and be put into a safe home where the cycle can be broken by others who can provide the good modeling all who want to be parents need.

I don't think that is a bit ridicilous. What I think is ridiculous is the ones who say "Hey they can never change just take those kids away forever"

Mothering is not an instinct it is a learned behavior. Did you just know what your childs crying meant or did you have to figure that out with each child? I did and each of my children is very different. The methods you learn to deal with each are different. Why? Well golly they are different people aren't they? One size does not fit all in parenting.

I don't think everyone always blames others for their own failings, I think you can trace those failings back to your own childhood, and learn to overcome them if you really want to. I don't blame my parents for my "issues" However in you saying your  mother had anger problems you are acknowledging that you yourself are aware that we all live what we learn, and because of that, you are very aware of what anger can do to a child. So you make a conscious effort not to do the same things she did. Some of us don't have the advantage of seeing how our pasts can contribute to our futures and thus do not learn the lesson you learned. So why is it ridiculous to teach them those lessons?

Answer 17

First of all parenting classes are not the only service that "abusive" parents complete.  It is a component of services that teach parents the skills that are not hindered by MANY factors; i.e., drugs, domestic violence, and many others.  I believe that parenting classes are helpful in some ways.  For example there are many social workers and case managers that actually work in the home with the parents or during sessions such as "parent-child interaction therapy" in which a professional guides parents to learn the skills that they do not have.  If you do not work in social services or don't know anything about it perhaps you should not assume that "abusive" parents only go to parenting classes to learn how to be good parents.

Second there are many definitions of abuse and many, many contributing factors that can turn a parent into an "abusive" parent.  Some parents cannot be rehabilitated, so to speak, but there are many parents who have changed their lives and learned appropriate ways to parent their children.  I have worked with many of them and seen the changes.  So to assume that all parents are bad and don't deserve a chance to be reunited with their children is ignorant.  No matter how abusive a parent is, 9 times out of 10 that child will go back to that parent when they reach the age of 18.  So I believe that if the opportunity is there, maintaining a (positive) relationship between parent(s) and child should be number one goal-even if the child is out of the home.

Answer 18

I have mixed feelings about this.  To begin with there is no such thing as maternal instinct.  A whole spieces would have to follow a certain thing for it to be considered an instinct, and as you no not all mothers do the right thing.

I think parenting classes are good because not all mothers had good mothers to set the example for them.  While many have overcame this, such as yourself and want to improve your lives, not everyone recovers in the same manner.  If the classes can help a mother reunite with a child I think it is a blessing.  Most children always want to be raised by their natural mothers and fathers and feel unwanted when they dont have that oppurtunity.  I think if the parent wants help, and makes the effort, and succeeds in the classes, they have overcame something, and that deserves an applause.  The child will greatly benefit from it.  

On the flip side, if a parent is not willing to learn and better themselves, I think it is wrong to force a parent to go to the classes and put the child in the middle.  Not all mothers are good, and not all women should be mothers.

Answer 19

I believe anyone who is planning on having or already has a child should be reguired to take parenting classes. Know it doesn't make you suddenly an ideal parent but it can help you to understand how to handle different situations as they arise. I also feel that before becoming a parent you should have to take a test and get a licsense. I know it will never happen but think about it. You need one to drive and hunt why not to raise a child?

Answer 20

Ok for everyone that says yes its a great idea so the mom can get the help she needs is ag reat idea. Well, I know someone who(from my state) went through these classes acted like she turned her self around and the state said great we can give you back your kids. Well, little did the know that she had LIED and turned around two weeks later and KILLED her KIDS!!!!!!! So, for all of you who oh yea great idea. Why do you guys think this way. You know if you have a problem then get the help. Let you child or kids go into FOSTER care and get the help. Let them live a happy life for once. I would rather a child stay in foster care and then turn around see on the news that he or has b een killed.

Answer 21

I actually have some experience in this subject.  I have formed opinions.

I believe that parents who abuse their children should be required to go to parenting classes.  I have found taking them out of the situation and explaining benefits of parenting classes helped in most situations.  Just like people with too many DUIs, bad parents should have a place to meet so they can share their experiences.