What do you think about this article: http://archive.salon.com/mwt/featur...

Question

The article is about an adoptee who really did not want contact with the birthmother. I presonally think if the adoptee does not want contact the relationship should not be forced.

Answer 1

In the referenced article, the issue of open records and the right to have access to original birth certificates for adult adoptees is yet again confused with choosing to have or not have a relationship with another adult.  

Every adult has the right to refuse contact with another person. PERIOD.  If this woman didn't want to have contact with the other woman, she should have consistently refused to take her calls, returned all letters, got an unlisted phone number, made it clear that she didn't want contact and filed an order of protection if she truly felt "stalked" by the woman.  

When I began my search for my first mom, I did NOT assume that she'd want a relationship with me. I didn't want to disrupt her life or "out" her to a family that might not know about me.  I just wanted to know my own medical information (for myself & my children), heritage, history...why I had been relinquished, who I looked like.  Important information & trivial information (perhaps).  

I joined a search group of adoptees, birth-parents, & adoptive parents.  Every person I met who was searching felt a strong need to be respectful of the person/people we were searching for.  No one wanted to disrupt the life of others.

A few stats:

"In a comprehensive study of the issues involved in adoption, the Maine Department of Human Resources Task Force on Adoption found in 1989 that every birth parent who was surveyed wanted to be found by the child/adult they had placed for adoption and 95% of the adoptees who were surveyed expressed a desire to be found by their birth parents. 98% of the adoptive parents supported reunions between their adopted child and members of the adoptee's birth family. (CWLA, 1998)"

http://statistics.adoption.com/informati...

Other stats regarding reunion are available at the link listed above.

As Julie J wrote, access for everyone to our own information  should not be denied because one person or a small percentage of people don't want contact.  EVERY PERSON has the right to refuse contact with another adult.

Now...how do we get those pesky telemarketing "stalkers" to STOP CALLING?!

Answer 2

Nobody has the right to force a relationship upon anyone.   However, we are all able to use the word 'no' and there are sufficient laws to counter stalking behaviors.

However Freedom of association is compromised by sealed records.  I do believe it is wrong to deny one adult making contact with another but after that, we are capable of handling our own relationships (or refusing a relationship) without interference from the State.

Just my 2 cents.  Hope that made sense.

Answer 3

Hi Renee,

I agree that any two adults who do not wish to have a relationship with each other, do not need to.  This is not limited to adopted people.

On the one hand, I believe that choosing to bring a child into this world obligates a person to communicating basic knowledge with their son or daughter eventually .  (That does not require spending holiday dinners together or even regular emails.)  It is simply unconscionable to have a child and permanently abandon them, taking away all heritage from them.  From the adoptee's standpoint, at different times of their lives they may have different desires regarding the extent of relationship they want.  Some are content with just information on their families.  Some know they will search someday but might not be ready yet.  Some don't think they will ever be ready.  I have known many who did not think they were interested until events in their own lives, such as the birth of their own child, or the death of an adoptive parent, brought out unrealized wants or needs concerning their own roots.

On the other hand, because a few relatives prefer not to have relationships with each other, is no reason to legislate an entire order of protection against all adoptees & all natural parents.  That's what sealed records do in essence.  I feel the author of that article would advocate for all records to be sealed because of her own unwillingness to acknowledge her natural mother.  It makes me wonder what sort of childhood she had and what she may have been told or not told that made her so unprepared for the realities of adoption.  It also seems like she never really gave a chance for the relationship to develop.  Reunions takes an adjusting period since the parties may have different expectations.  I also think she should be open-minded enough to consider at some future time she may change her mind.  It is usually better for all of us not to burn any bridges when it comes to family.

It's unfortunte that the family you referenced is estranged.  There are many families who were raised together who are also estranged.  I do not see that as an adoption-specific issue.  I see it as one woman who is very afraid of facing something.  I feel sorry for her.  Thanks for asking what we think.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 4

I loved the article. I would never want to meet the incubator lady that gave me birth. I understand how she feels %100.

Answer 5

Well, duh.  Of course if an adoptee doesn't want contact they should have the right to refuse...and vice versa.

I'd guess that this "birthmom stalker" scenario is about as common as adoptees who kill their adoptive parents in their sleep.  

Can anyone say, "sensationalism"?

Answer 6

I read this article a few months ago. I agree an adoptee nor imo a birthparent/family should feel they are forced into contact if they don’t want it. The funny thing about this article is the lady was never for sure that this was her birthmother both she and her mother had doubts. She even says she saw no resemblance in any of the photos this woman sent her.  That’s another thing for this woman to just out of the blue send her a packet of information I don’t think that is the appropriate way to handle situations like this.