What do you think about this little poem piece ?

Question

secret buried inside of me

like a sea shell under sand

you cant see it, but its nasty to step on

because its there, and its sharp

and the undeniable pain on the sole of your foot

is yet another reminder

that you hurt, secret of mine,

you hurt alot.

constructive criticism is not only welcomed, but encouraged :)

Answer 1

Ouch! My little Stonefish, this is pretty good. Check out the links in my bio.

Answer 2

a nit:  alot is not a  word.  A lot is what you are looking for, but there is also allot which is a share divided out -- an allotment.

The first couplet I thought there was a baby growing, but then going into the stepping on it with its sharp and undeniable pain on the sole your foot -- that imagery was shattered.

I see this is the picture of one who was hurt by love.  It happens to all of us, and I don't think the pain lessens from the first time to the current experience.

The poem itself is clear, sharp (as pain should be) and only needs the last word changed to "a lot".

T.

Answer 3

NININI,

Wow, I love that name! It is Paris Hilton hot, babe! And about this short work, I love it! It comes full circle in a short amount of time and you are not afraid to tell the subject that they may have pretended that they weren't hurt, but you told them with a calm conviction that you saw that small strain of weakness no one else saw... that was a poignant moment that captured the essence of the entire poem. BRAVO!!!!                             Grade  AAA+++