What do you think about this parenting style for a 13-year-old?

Question

I know it's long, but I need to disclose everything so you can get a better picture. I have a cousin who I feel is being controlled too much by his dad who is employing what I think is an authoritarian parenting style. What do you think?

Description of cousin: 13 year old boy with mother and father (both genetic). He's the only child in the household. Has a step-brother (father's side) who didn't live with them, went to the Navy.

Description of father: Military history. Claims to be concerned about teaching his son "responsibility." Advocates independence and learning not to rely on parents ASAP.

Assigns chores such as feeding/grooming the dogs, emptying all household trash daily, dishes, preparing dinner, etc. When son missed a chore or didn't complete it in full like feeding dogs, threatened to kill son's pet turtles and dogs or have son shoot dogs in the desert, son cried (when his father wasn't around because father has always disallowed crying). Son gets no credit for partial work, it's all or none, and when gets asked why it wasn't done he gets in trouble for saying "I was thinking right" or similar.

Son is limited to 1 hour of computer games/IM/email/whatever daily (excluding school work). Son goes over 1 hour of computer time and is now grounded from using it entirely until he's 18 (that's in 5 years). Father also takes away phone.

Tells son that if you drink from a straw that "you must be good at sucking." As a result, son no longer uses straws in restaurants. Tells son to tuck in his T-shirts or he'll look like a slob. Son tucks in T-shirts now (even the brands like O'Neill). Told son before that shorts don't look descent. Son never wore shorts as a result. Son started cutting hair short a couple of months ago to match the hair of typical boys his age. Father doesn't like it. Son likes music, but father disallows headphone use because he thinks it's rude and distracts attention. Father disallows video game consoles.

Requires son to get at least B's in all classes or grounds him or fines him money. Makes son read 2 hours daily. During son's summer break, requires son to read books and do written reports on them. Son typically is not allowed to sleep in beyond 8 AM, must be awake around that time.

"Since I can't get rid of you (because he's under 18), I can take things away from you." Overall, typical punishments include frequent/lengthy restrictions on phone, computer, TV, freedom to leave house, board games, etc. Has fined money from son. Uses the F word when reprimanding son.

Description of mother: has always covered up for son. Always reminded son of chores so he doesn't get in trouble. When son misses a chore, will even do it so his dad won't get mad. Allows son to go over the 1 hour time limit on computer when dad isn't around. Isn't restrictive or opinionated as his dad is.

Parent's plans: The good... will double the money he saves for his new car at 16. Son will have to pay for insurance, so he will have to work. Will allow him to stay with them after 18 if he pays them rent. Encourage him to go to college at 18. Whether or not they will help finance it is not known. The questionable... parents have threatened to send son to foster care before (motive and whether they were serious is unknown).

Question: Would you parent your kids this way and why. If not, what would you change? Thanks.

Answer 1

Sounds like father doesn't want his son to grow up and be like a loser. Father maybe a little overboard, but mom is letting him go a little slack.

As far as being made to do things, he will have to do and made accountable as an adult.  I comend the father for being there and doing his best. it doesn't sound like he is abusing him.  With the time and effort the father is spending he is not going to send the boy away.

Answer 2

I am a very strict parent. I have restricted her computer time, made her do chores, and have set ground rules. But, Holy c**p! Even on my worst day, I would never be so horrible to my own kid. The father sounds like he a failure at life and is taking it out on the poor kid. The mother sounds weak and afraid of the father.

What would I change? Oh, just about everything. First, I would never, ever threaten to kill something. Second, kids mess up, even adults mess up, but you don't rub their noses in it and make them pay for it for the rest of their life. The only thing that teaches them is fear, not how to fix the mistake. I would never make such remarks as "you must be good a sucking", or any thing else derogatory. That is just no good for the kids self esteem. I would never, ever allow someone to treat my child that way, nor would I allow anyone else to do this to their child. What that poor kid must be going through... That is child abuse, there is no other word for it. Contact child services.  

Answer 3

woahhh thats creepy freaky scarey.

can you say pyhsco?

poor kid, that freak me the c**p out.

if i were him i'd leave, and take my effing turtles and dogs with me.

if i were you for one that can my reported as animal cruelty so i'd get on that immeadiatly because those poor animals are in danger thanks to the crazy dad.

as for the kid, i would talk to him about and see what he wants, and do whatever. he needs to get out.

please do us all a favor especially the kid and report animal cruelty and child abuse, nobody likes hearing about this, if you can fix it you should and you can.

Answer 4

You're the cousin? How is this your business? Mind your own business, unless your cousin has asked you for help. He should probably ask your parents for help if anything though, if it's really bothering him.

I would not parent this way because children sometimes need repetition to learn from their mistakes and I want them to be happy.

But a military man-led family may have different priorities from mine. Children can thrive in all kinds of environment and hopefully your cousin will take the positives in the structured life he has and apply them to his later life.

As for you -- mind your own business.

Answer 5

No I would not parent my child that way and I would talk to my husband about the rules rather than going behind his back and allowing my child to do things that the father has put in place.

I think that there isn't much sense in being that restrictive as a parent, and that you should let a child be a child. With that being said, I do agree with having household chores such as feeding dogs/cleaning up after them, vacuuming, washing dishes etc (maybe not all on the same days though).

I don't think that threatning your child to send them to foster care or anything of the sort is acceptable, you scare the child and make them afraid of you, they don't "respect" you out of respect, but out of fear that you hate them.

Summer time to me means you get to sleep in, hang out with friends and goof off - not waking up at 8a.m., doing book reports and such...

It seems a bit over bearing, but typical of a military family.

Answer 6

The basic idea is fine, so many kids lack any respect or discipline. By threatening to have the boy shoot the dog etc... that's going to the extreme. My husband can be extremely strict w/ my daughter's (Marine Corps). There just has to be a balance there somewhere. Where he is strict I back off a little. I sincerely can not agree w/ your uncle's form of parenting hopefully your aunt is there to ease some of the pressure off of your cousin.  

Answer 7

This child is being ABUSED

tell him to seek help with CHILD AND FAMILY SERVICES.

Answer 8

the whole threatening your child to sending them to foster care is horrible..these sort of things he is saying could probably lead to some emotional problems in the future and it's telling the child you don't care about them..I can do whatever I want..I don't want you. And the mother just sitting there and doing things behind his back is not good aswell..is she too scared to confront the father on this?

Answer 9

Authoritarian is not even the right word. This is abuse. I'm horrified. This is abuse. I would call the authorities. This poor kid is being treated horribly. This father is a jerk. He is a coldhearted a..

His mother is a weak person to just stand by and allow him to treat her son like this. This is not healthy. This is not teaching him anything but FEAR.

edit: There are more effective methods that don't harm a child to teach responsibility and self-reliance. My husband doesn't do this with his kids. No way. This is ABUSE. This guy needs anger management or professional counseling. I would report him.

edit: I feel so bad for the kids and the animals. I am very worried about the son and the animals. OMG. I would shoot the father and the father should be afraid. Right now he's big and strong but that won't always be the case.

I smell disaster in the future if this continues.

Answer 10

no she i think she means her cousin is 13 and that's there parenting style for the kid. And I read the whole thing and think the moms nice but the dad says he would make his son shoot his own animals. I think that's horrible I LOVE animals but as i was saying don't know what you should do but something should be done.

Answer 11

ok.. My father to was strict, but not to any of the extremes mention here.We had chores, there was no back talk allowed ever or any disrespect allowed at any time.We were taught to be responsible people. We were allowed to be happy growing children and adults. I was never grounded for more than one week.My father choose spanking instead of 'taking something away", most of all I hated lectures,because they were long and drawn out talks.We didn't have computers when we were growing up, we watched television,read books, went skating and I played basketball during highschool.I am not sure of the name of the syndrome or disease Military men and women have for such behavior as you are describing. BUT, I know it exsists.Lets say we call it " Sargants Syndrome", some people have it to the extreme, which I do believe with all certainty, this father has it.For some reason they become bitter and really hateful people, especially if the syndrome is compounded by  alcoholism. Hopefully this child will not be bitter towrds his father and just move  out (if possible), when he is old enough and able to do so.As for a comment towards the mother, she is probably almost helpless when it comes to the situation ,because the father has always been so authoritive in there household.Last but not least,, I whis I was able to take kids like this and be a foster parent to them. They don't deserve this type of abuse from any parent.

Answer 12

Sadly, it sounds like this child will only be like his father when he grows up and marries some poor soul. If he's been braught up this way his whole life he won't know better.

Limiting the son to reading, 1 hour of computer/games, is fine. But otherwise remember, this isn't you're child. I agree with the last poster that this is a military man and they do run the house differently. A friend I know has a father very similar to what you explained and he's a retired military sergant.

Again, this is not you're child. Do not fuss over a situation that you don't have business over unless that child is being phyically and mentally abused. There's a difference between an abused child and a child who grew up with strict parents.

Answer 13

no i wouldn't raise my child that way!!! sounds too strict and mean for me, but the father has a power control issue!!!my bf's father was like that with the beatings and ended up a good guy at heart, he did end up doing some things in the past that werent too great, ......so i worry about the sons future by being treated that way........and some military families are very strict, thats the lifestyle.

Answer 14

I didn't need to read it all...  some of these "punishments" are normal, a lot are a little overboard, ok ALOT overboard.  Sounds like he wants total control.  I do understand a lot of what he's being taught, in order to be a self sufficient adult these are the best practices, but at 13, it's too much.  I see a problem teenager or a son who never visits in their future...  

Answer 15

that is NOT authoritative parenting, that is ABUSE.

Some ears ago in Minnesota there was a case of parents deciding to punish their daughter for some trivial offence b making her shoot and kill her beloved dog.

She went with them to the place it was to happen, took the gun and shot herself the head!

As I recall the parents were convicted of second degree murder.

Child abuse was not charged as the daughter was over 18 at the time.

This boy needs to be helped before he snaps.  Military discipline is not appropriate for children, much of it is not appropriate for military personnel!

Call the authorities THIS SECOND!

Answer 16

Wow. Everything the parents are asking of the son seem reasonable. But the method is extremely harsh. The father sounds scary. I would say that is not a good trait to have. Obviously this guy thinks he knows everything and that his life is so great that he wants the same for his son. Or more obviously he is a control freak and will have everything his way right or wrong. I feel for the kid. It sounds like a very unloving household.  

Answer 17

Oh, my. That is too strict.

Killing pets as punishment - Absolutely not.

Disallowing crying - Absolutely not.

Chores - Decrease negative reinforcement and increase positive reinforcement.

Computer - If not unlimited, then at least increase to 2-4 hours.

Straws - That's just unnecessarily mean. Straws are actually better for your teeth, by having the liquid pass beyond them while drinking.

T-shirts - Untucked may make you look like a slob, but tucked makes you look like a dork. Untucked is much better, and it's so irrelevant anyway, it should be up to the boy.

Shorts - I agree that shorts don't quite look as good as pants, but it should really be up to the boy in most situations.

Hair - His dad will have to get used to it. The boy will be having his own hair cut when he's in college, and it's his choice.

Headphones - If you want to blast music throughout the home, then take away headphones, they're for the courtesy of the others around you. Not just for your own comfort.

Videogames - A little too strict but not ridiculous.

Grades - Well, it's good to reinforce good grades, but he needs to use positive reinforcement. He should pay the boy for A+ grades.

Reading - 2 hours is just a bit much. Probably should cut that in half.

Reports - Not during summer break. Perhaps one report over the entire summer if you must.

Sleeping in - It's good practice to get the boy up and not let him sleep in too late, but punishments for sleeping in should be light.

Punishments - These are last resort punishments. Lighten it up a lot.

Mother - It's not good to undermine the husband, but this boy needs every break he can get.

The pans for being 18+ - Actually, those plans sound just like my parent's plans for me. I don't know about the car... Rent after 18... College encouragement... financing unknown... Those three sound okay.

Foster care - Kind of cruel of parents, but he'd probably be better off there.

I would not treat a kid this way. The father is being way, way too strict, which will lead to an unhappy future for the boy. The strictness of the father is forcing the mother to fill in the gap of niceness, which shouldn't have to happen.

The father must be confronted. Likely by a professional. Perhaps the child as well, to state his situation.

Answer 18

I think 13 is too young to have kids.

Answer 19

Well the father is just looking out for his son. I admit threatining  to kill his pets is pretty harsh but then again you never know exactly how it was supposed to sound. It could have been a meaningless joke. However all this disipline is very good for the child i believe. It shows him discipline. You can't really blame the father being his history in the military. He had this type of discipline and even though he may have hated in during the time, he realized in the long run it was actually good for him. He only wants the best for his son. It is also nice that the mom is sticking up for him but then again its not really like the dad is doing anything wrong. Its kinda like undoing all the hard work the father is doing and thats not very respectful. I have to say that what the father is doing if you look deeper into it is very good. He may have some things in there that arent that great but hey not every parent is perfect. As  for the whole foster parent thing, it may have just been a little bit of humor and if any of this really bothered the son instead of crying (which the father disaproves of) he should confront his parents profesionaly and explain himself. I understand why the father may prohibit crying only because that shows the child that in the real world stuff will happen that you may or may not like but if your boss yells at you you cannot brake down crying. Its called responsibility and learning that at a very young age is crucial. Just so you know, I am 13 and was in a similar situation with my step father.  

Answer 20

Well, it sounds like his father is trying to instill good values in him, but in the wrong ways.  He's encouraging dedication, determination, and hard work, but he sounds like he's got an anger problem, and is verbally abusive.  I also wouldn't be too surprised if he were physically abusive.  Mom sees there is a problem in his parenting style, but she needs to get a back bone and get involved rather than try to cover up for him, that's just sending him mixed messages.

I would never parent my kids this way.  I don't think his father realizes that at the same time he's instilling positive values, he's also crushing his sons confidence and self worth, and all the hard-work and determination in the world can't overcome that.  It's also been my experience that kids who are raised in environments that are that heavily controlled are the ones who rebel the most in their teenage years.  

Answer 21

This is a form of child abuse and animal cruelty at 13 he is way to young to deal with this and all this is going to do is teach him to be a criminal and abusive. His father by all means is an animal his self and for the mother to condone this is just as bad as the father....if you were a loyal cousin you would report this to the authorities and if needed send this long letter question you posted.....meaning if you can take the time to ask yahoo answers a long detailed question you can take the time to report this child abuse and animal cruelty to the proper authorities do not wait please do it ASAP.

Answer 22

This doesn't sound like an authoritarian parent, it sounds like a crazy, unbalanced parent.

Answer 23

such a long question!!! Must I remind you we're not really getting paid for this? Keep your question to a few lines and we'll answer.

Answer 24

Dad sounds a bit strict but kids have survived worse.  Your cousin will be okay and will probably become a very successful man someday.  The dad may be a little too aggressive when it comes to threatening to kill the pets but we parents sometimes get angry and say stupid things.  I've threatened to take all our pets to a shelter.  Encourage your cousin to try his best to follow the rules, childhood doesn't last forever and then he can make his own life and his own decisions.  Good luck.

Answer 25

Nice dad...being sarcastic. First of all if he kills his pets he could go to jail for animal cruelty. That is like a 24/7 boot camp. If I was that kid's parent I would change just about everything. Doesn't the dad have a life? Poor kid. Does the kid have a life? Why doesn't his mom do anything about it? If you ask me, they should get a divorce. Maybe the kid could go to a counselor at school..the parents don't have to know. Counselors usually keep quiet unless the kid is being abused. Good luck.

Answer 26

I would NOT raise my boys like this. This parent seems mean, rude, overly aggressive and controlling. I can understand him wanting his son to understand life, maturity, and independence, but he is pushing too hard and is wayyyy to controlling. He is trying to reinforce his military life style on his young child and that is not fair. And he also seems very contradictive. How can he express independence when he tells him what to wear and how to wear it, what to listen to, how to wear his hair. I mean dang! What can this child do alone? I think he should let him make some decisions for himself. And he should let him enjoy at least 2-3 hours or leisure time as long as the chores are done. As far as the sleeping, why does he have to be up by 8am? on the weekends and during breaks he should be able to rest as least until 10 or 11 am. This dad should just really back off some. Because parents like this guy are the reason y some kids flip out and kill their parents and stuff. Also the mother is right to take up for her child but she should also talk to her husband and tell him to back off some.

Answer 27

That kid's either going to grow up to be Superman or James Dean.  But yeah, it sounds like the kid has a hard life, though to say it's excessive to the point of intervention would be taking it too far.  With his mother's help, I'm sure he'll manage just fine, as long as he's got good friends.  He should get into sports or something to meet some people who also lead somewhat disciplined lives, so that they can relate and share each others' burden.