What do you think about this short story?

Question

This is a 100 percent true story about me, Jack, and my ex best freind AJ, meeting each other freshmen year and all of the dumb things we did, the pain we went through, and the big time trouble we got ourselves into. It would mean a lot to me if you read my short story and tell me what you think about it, because I tried to put together an entertaining story, yet at the same time keep it all true to what really happened with me and AJ.

http://forum.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=messageboard.viewThread&entryID=63005116&groupID=106367097&adTopicID=18&Mytoken=4B96B18C-260D-4ACE-8F9CA659D274293F4245286

Answer 1

Just because you want a story to be accurate , it doesn't mean that it must be told in a linear fashion. In the case of this story, a more provocative  introduction would help draw readers in.

Example: "the day they tore down the Ice Cream Shop, my friendship with AJ melted."

It also might help if you could re-create some of the conversations you and your friend had, you can avoid being stuck in exposition mode. From a typographical standpoint, quotes would break up some looooonnng paragraphs.

Lastly, this phrase is useful to anyone who writes: "Spell-check and grammar-check are my friends."

Answer 2

yes thats ok, bit long, but ok.

Answer 3

it's too long