What do you think about this story(please comment on how to make it better)?

Question

The Petals of Armageddon

Okay my name is Tim and my life had numerous changes that took place ever since I was a kid in the seventh grade. I used to sell paper flowers for a really high price at my school. I was your common seventh grade kid; I brushed my teeth, went to school, ate my lunch, and went to sleep. The only remarkable talent I had was that I could make paper flowers out of almost anything that was flexible. I also had and still have a silhouette of a flower with five pointed pedals on my heart, there’s no explanation other than it being a birthmark although my parents kept telling me that it wasn’t there when I was born. Sad, they say the mind is the first thing to go.

I recall that the day it all began was one day before my school’s annual talent show where I was going to make flowers out of the curtain’s although the school wasn’t going to be to happy about it. I remember that I had trouble sleeping that night because I was exceedingly nervous. Suddenly my birthmark undertook a great pain; it was like a thousand knives were being forced into the area where my birthmark was. The pain was like nothing I ever felt before; it was like my skin was being ripped from my very flesh. It gradually increased and in a matter of seconds it overtook me and forced m to let out a deafening scream.

As the pain increased the room around me started spinning and as it got faster the pain increased, I couldn’t bear the tremendous pain so I closed my eyes and clenched my fists while screaming with the tip of my voice. In the blink of an eye the pain stopped just as it had begun but I still didn’t fully heal I was drowsy and had the feeling of falling, I tried opening my eyes but everything was so blurry but that didn’t even mater all I could see was darkness. I couldn’t fully open my eyes, even so I had to find out what was going on so I pushed myself like I usually do at all situations. I finally opened my eyes but my body was completely immobilized, I could still see that I was falling in darkness and wondered if the pain that lasted for a good three minutes put me in a coma or was I dead I couldn’t tell.

A feint whisper met with my ears as I couldn’t tell what it was saying the first few times I waited and it grew louder which at this point was no surprise to me. I heard the sentence the fifth time it was restated, it said “The Petals are your destiny, don’t run away”. After I heard and understood it the whisper changed into the thundering sound of a the screeching scream of a little girl that shattered me like a ball would shatter a window and when every piece of me hit the ground my torso launched itself forward as I opened my eyes. I was sweaty and frightened, I was breathing heavily and as I looked around I could hear my pacing heart beating

Answer 1

well, first of all, your topic is totally amazing.

if this is going to be a short story, then i think that jumping into the main story fast is okay. However, if you want this to turn into a novel, then you're starting too quickly.

first of all, who is Tim? what's his last name? Where is his family? does he have siblings? what's his personality like? what is his daily routine? when did he first know about his gift for making flowers? does he like it? why did he want to sell them at school? does he need the money?

look at how many questions you've left the readers with by jumping straight into the plot. you always need to work up to these things, describe the past and present before you jump into the future.

you need to descibe the birthmark too. at first i thought it was actually on his internal heart, so you need to describe it more. tell if anything odd has happend before with the birthmark, (like for example it gets warm when he makes the flowers)

you have to also xplain when he first started to realize his gift, and what he feels about it. is he proud, happy, embarressed, weirded out?

and you jumped into the talent show very fast too. what made him decide to go into it?

basically you are going way too fast. you don't really describe anything, which make the story borderline on just a summary.

with such a great and interesting plot that you have, you shouldn't have much trouble makig this into a great story. just slow down a little, and show us more of tim and the actual background. After all, the plot may be like the turkey in a thanksgiving dinner, but everything else is the mashed potatoes, caranberry sauce, gravy and apple pie.

(okay, that was a very cheesy comparison, i admit it! :) )

Answer 2

You need some action. This reads like a list, I felt the pain, my eyes water,I passed out. This is a curious situation so throw out some vivid imagery that people can identify with.

Instead of:

"As the pain increased the room around me started spinning and as it got faster the pain increased, I couldn’t bear the tremendous pain so I closed my eyes and clenched my fists while screaming with the tip of my voice "

You could try something like:

The room spun around me as the pain burned through my chest. The floor lurched and my eyes squeezed shut to block out the pain. With fists clenched I curled into myself just before a howl of pain escaped my lips.

I know that's a bit rough, but you see where I am going with this:)