What do you think about those who compare the process of adopting...?

Question

to pregnancy?

Answer 1

There is nothing to compare.  Adopting a child in the beginning is like searching for a mortgage.  After the child or mother is chosen, then things sorta run parallel, like how do we decorate the room, what sheets, what clothes.

But do all that and BE pregnant and tired and working and taking care of other kids...there is no comparison really.

Answer 2

I think it is silly to compare the process of adoption with pregnancy.... I remember my mother cracking a joke the day we brought our two siblings home about how good I looked after having an 18 pound and 48 pound baby.... NOT! and it wasn't very funny...

I think it is completely silly especially since I have been pregnant twice--and had two C-sections and frankly that was Nothing like the process of adoption... While pregnant I knew roughly when I was expecting--and what I needed to get for my soon to be baby.... I knew I was not going to be pregnant forever and I had some general idea of When to plan for the expansion of my family....

While adopting I had none of these details... I had no idea when to plan a vactation--or when to Leave my job... or in our case even the gender or ages of the two children we wanted to bring into the family.... Couldn't buy a thing ahead of time, didn't know if I should get a stroller or a bike... a carseat or a booster....a crib, toddler bed or twin....

When I did find out we were going to transition our children it was December 18.... We brought them home January 10.... we had to pull it all together with just a few weeks notice--and then leave town for two weeks to transition....

So....to me there is Nothing in any way shape of form even close to the same kind of experience.... I would have to say that being pregnant was 100 times easier as there were fewer unknowns... coming home after c-sections was 50 times easier then bringing home children who needed special care and careful attention so that we didn't cause them to have insecurities or trama...

When my babies were born the whole world was invited to come meet them... hold them and goo-and gaa over them... When we brought our little ones home I had to hold firm that for an extended period of time they would be with their New Family Only--that No, Grandma couldn't hold the one year old and give him a bottle--no she can't help me change his diaper.. No Aunt Mary could not take the 5 year old for a sleep over... No we can't have a huge welcome home party...

It was difficult because of course our friends and family wanted to see our new children...They wanted to Respond the SAME as if we had just brought home a baby.... but, we knew and were well trained enough to recognize and understand that our children needed time to learn We were the important people--the ones they needed to trust and depend on....

Nothing even close to the same....not even from the moment we decided to adopt... No one ever tried to "talk us out" of the biological babies..or ask us if we were sure that was Really what we wanted to do...or ask 10,000 questions about the Reasons the child needed Us.... When I announced I was pregnant no one said any of those things to me.... No one ever told me, "What a great thing I was doing..." to give birth...

All of these statements would not have been appropriate for a pregnant mother--Problem is most people don't get how Inappropriate these statements were just because we were adopting....

Answer 3

I quit trying to figure that one out. Just like I have tried to quit trying to figure out why pregnant mothers are referred to as "birthmoms."

Answer 4

My friends do this sometimes.  Usually it's when I'm worried about not being a good enough mom.  They'll say things like, "you know, that happens when you're pregnant, too.  You're going through what every soon-to-be-mom goes through."  I think they're just trying to act as though adoption is no different.  These friends have no experience with adoption, and no matter how much I explain, they don't understand.  These are the same friends who will say things like, "ooh, you should get a 3 year old girl!  I babysat this 3 year old girl, and she was so cute and sweet!  And my daughter was, too, at that age!"  Hmmmmmmm...yeah, ok.  Moving right along.

Answer 5

It depends what they are actually comparing.  In the end they are two different methods of having children and starting a family, but the end result is the family, so in that regard they are comparable.

Answer 6

There are some similarities, on a philosophical level.  

Planning, preparation, a series of events that must occur before the outcome, a sense of anticipation on the part of the adoptive parents and their families.

But I don't think it goes much further than that.  Obviously, the physical symptoms of pregnancy don't occur for the adoptive parents!  

As far as what I think about people who compare the two, I guess it depends on how far they go with it.  To say that there is absolutely, unequivocally, no similarity whatsoever, isn't true.  But I don't think that wearing an "Adoption is the new Black" T-shirt is appropriate either.

ETA: Oh, when I was a pregnant teenager and chose to parent I got plenty of the "are you sure you should be doing this" comments.  And I got those when we chose to adopt children too!  Look, another similarity! LOL!

Answer 7

apples and oranges...they just aren't the same.  To claim otherwise is to ignore the truth.

Answer 8

I think they are in deep denial about adoption

Answer 9

i would treat all kids like my own its about the same in my eyes

Answer 10

it's an illogical comparison... sorry

-pregnancy is a physical experience to obtain a child... adoption is not.

-don't know of too many amoms who had to have an epidural in order to parent their children.

-don't know too many amoms who developed urinary incontinence in the process of adopting.

-don't know too many amoms who had to take a glucose tolerance test during the adopting process.

-don't know too many amoms who was placed on bed-rest (like i am now) during the adoption process.

-don't know too many amoms who received an episiotomy to obtain their children.

-don't know too many pregnant and birthing women who can go out to the beach with their 2-week old, wearing a bikini ... (like one amom so callously bragged about all the compliments she received at the beach and looking so "wonderful" after just having a baby, several years ago on an adoption board.)

this doesn't mean that those who obtain their children via adoption are lesser parents; it just means that the two are fundamentally different. pregnancy is physical. adoption is not. and folks can make all the "but it's similar because they both go through a process to get a child...yadda yadda"; but, it's simply not the same.  and should not be co-opted for psychological benefit. h**l,  many male partners also claim, "vicarious pregnancy" since they can develop similar symptoms (nausea, vomiting, food adversions, fatigue, weight-gain...), or purport that "we are pregnant." yet, when it all comes down to it, dude is not the one on the table pushing out the kid.  hence, he's not pregnant, either.  

it's disrespectful and slightly delusional.

grant it, pregnancy is both psychological and physical...but, it's mostly physical.

a similar analogy would be an "earned doctorate" vis a vis an "honorary doctorate."  they both carry the title of "doctor"; expect one received the title via academic work, and the other usually through a nomination process.

not the same, ladies and gents....sorry :-(

ETA: i see at least 2 people (i'm sure it will increase) have no problem living in la la land....  perhaps we should inform them that rabbits don't lay eggs and santa doesn't fly around the world delivering presents to all the good little kids.

deep...deep....delusion.

Answer 11

i think they are delusional.

Answer 12

I think unless they have done BOTH, then how can they say......

Answer 13

I'm not sure why there is a need to compare the two.  They are certainly different.  One is not bad and the other good in terms of being a mother.  I can't imagine how I could love my two adopted children any more than I do love them, period.  The process took a lot longer than 9 months, and the realities of adoption are that it is different from having biological children, by virtue of the fact that adoptees have issues and needs that just aren't there otherwise.  If adoptive parents delude themselves into thinking that it's the same, then the harm done is to the child.  Regardless of the amount and depth of love between adoptees and adoptive parents, the adoptee still FEELS adopted.  Because of that, it is essential that a-parents recognize their needs and rights to know where they came from and who they are.