What do you think causes the bigger trauma to a child?

Question

Being adopted, or being physically abused? I know that most adoptees wouldn't have been abused, the reason I'm asking this question is because of some very concerning answers that I read to a question earlier concerning parenting classes for parents who abuse their children.

The overwhelming response from the anti-adopters, as usual, was that all measures should be taken to keep family together, even in that situation. Frankly, I would be worried about the parenting skills of anyone who could say that, but whatever. But what do you think is worse, being adopted (and not being abused), or being with your natural parents (and being abused)?

Answer 1

If someone is going to abuse a child they need to give there child up for adoption.  Abuse will cause more damage then adoption. It upsets me when I hear about children who are being tortured and abused by there own parents.  Why do this to a child who is so innocent?

Answer 2

adoption is not a bad thing for a child. Being abused is never a good thing. It saddens me that someone might actually think that adoption is a bad thing.

Answer 3

I think childhood abuse is worse.

In cases where children are abused, I absolutely advocate getting them OUT of that situation immediately, and find adoption to be an appropriate solution.

But not all cases of adoption save children from abuse.

As other people have pointed out, sometimes adoption saves children from abuse. Sometimes adoption takes children from non-abusive homes and puts them in abusive homes. Sometimes adoption takes children from one abusive home and puts them in another abusive home. Sometimes adoption takes children from non-abusive homes and puts them in another non-abusive home. (As in the case of my daughter.)

What is your point?

We have repeatedly stated that we do not advocate leaving children in abusive situations.

It is possible to advocate getting children out of abusive homes and still acknowledge that not all adoptions save children from abusive homes.

If you are trying to prove something with this question, your logic is very flawed.

Answer 4

Definitely being with the bio parents and being abused. Any abuse is despicable. For every child abused by their adoptive parents, the facts are far graver and the stats much higher for those abused by their bio parents.

http://www.ncsacw.samhsa.gov/files/508/N...

No Safe Haven: Children of Substance-Abusing Parents

http://www.aaanet.org/press/motherskilli...

WHY WOMEN KILL THEIR CHILDREN

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2002/01/3...

Depressed Mother Kills Her Children

http://www.prweb.com/releases/2001/6/prw...

Mothers who Kill Their Children

http://www.canadiancrc.com/articles/AP_M...

Mother Kills Baby. Charged After Baby's Arms Severed,  AP, 23NOV04

http://www.heritage.org/Research/Family/...

The Child Abuse Crisis: The Disintegration of Marriage, Family, and the American Community

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/londo...

BBC NEWS-Psychotic mother killed children

http://www.cnn.com/2004/LAW/04/03/childr...

CNN.com - Mom who said she killed on God's orders acquitted - Apr 3, 2004

http://www.expatica.com/actual/article.a...

Dutch mother kills children, then commits suicide , Dutch News, The Netherlands, Holland,

http://www.boston.com/news/world/europe/...

Mother kills her 5 children in Belgium - Boston.com

http://media.www.nineronline.com/media/s...

Mothers killing their children appalling

http://www.earthtimes.org/articles/show/...

Mother in custody for killing children

http://crime.about.com/od/female_offende...

Women Killers - Women Who Kill Their Children

http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/world/2007-...

Texas mother kills herself, 3 children

http://www.smh.com.au/news/World/Kiwi-mo...

Kiwi mother kills her two children and herself

http://www.smh.com.au

http://www.prweb.com/releases/2001/6/prw...

Mothers who Kill Their Children

http://digg.com/world_news/Dump_your_chi...

Digg - ‘Dump your children here’ box to stop mothers killing their babies

http://www.24dash.com/localgovernment/25...

Social services slammed after mother kills two children

http://parenthood.library.wisc.edu/Leon/...

Nature in Adoptive Parenthood

Answer 5

Is it even a question?  Abuse, of any kind, during childhood causes the biggest trauma imaginable.  

How could anybody even suggest otherwise?  That suggests a dangerous personality, not to mention some very questionable morals as a person and a parent, to me.

Answer 6

Of course being abused.  I was adopted and when I was told ,it  was all over.  I never felt like I belonged anywhere.  Major depression issues relationship issues etc.. One doctor told me even thought I was not abandoned I felt inside like I was due to birth parent giving me away.  Horrible situation.  I found her 20 years ago and we talk all the time and it has instilled some peace in me.  It amazing what we have in common never living with each other.

Answer 7

Oh, gee, that's a tough one.  Do you think you could slant it a little harder?

Answer 8

Abuse is worse.  However, things are never just black and white, life is way more complex than that.

How about, being adopted AND abused.  That's what I experienced.  My aparents biological son, my "brother" was a lot older when I was adopted and abused me physically, emotionally and on one occasion, sexually, and my aparents either weren't aware or didn't care, so they didn't help me.  So, I'd have to say that being BOTH adopted and abused is even worse than just being one or the other.

But, this isn't a contest about who is most traumatized......is it?

I just read Heather H's post below and all I can say is, Holy Sh*t!

Answer 9

abuse is definitley worse. if you are an adopted child and you feel bad that you are, you just have to think that out of everyone that the family could have adopted the family chose you. abused kids are usually born with the parents they have adopted kids get chosen to be taken care of and loved.

Answer 10

Personally, i would not want to be abused. I know what question you are talking about and i responded that maybe there was an under-lying problem with the parent causing them to strike out. If that could be fixed. I also know i admited that my reasoning could be flawed. You seem to think that those of us adoptees that admit to thinking of our birth mothers are disgusting. Which i want to say is very rude of you. Have i striked out at someone on this forum? Yes, i got angry at one girl when i thought she was saying that her priest shouldn't adopt a boy because he is black. I probably totally misunderstood the question. But I get hyper senstive about things like that because i'm a transracial adoptee. Going back to thinking of my birth mother...growing up i thought about her. I wanted to know why she gave me. How were my brother and sister doing? How was my other sister doing that she also adopted out? Just because i had these questions does not mean i loved my adoptive parents any less. I consider them my parents. When i finally met my birth mother, i never called her mom, i called her by her first name only. *****Going back to your question...if i stayed with my birth mother, there was very high chance i would of been abused. Her lifestyle was such that no kid really shouldn't of been raised around. Drugs and no education can do a person damage and my birth mother was unfortunately damaged by the life choices she made. That damage also got passed to the two siblings she kept.****I think this pointing fingers on this forum needs to stop! Just because a couple of people say i have issues, i think of my birth mother does not make them anti-adoption. Most of us are for adoption reforms so that the child can be placed in a safe,loving home. Are there users that are extermely anti-adoption? Yes there is. I'm not one of them just because growing up i thought of my birth mother and wondered where i came from.

Answer 11

it's too complicated to go either way.  if the natural parents can change then it may be best to keep the child with their natural parents.  however if the parents look like they will continue to be abusive then i would go with adoption, if it is the option.  it is more stable for the child.  

the physical abuse is the trauma and adoption a safer choice for some children.  i believe adoption is trauma to a child who doesn't want to be adopted.

Answer 12

I would rank it in this order from best to worst.

1. physical abuse

2. mental abuse

3. adoption

4. sexual abuse

Although now, looking at my rankings I understand there are different degrees of physical abuse.  For example, if you are being hit with a stick I would leave physical abuse where it is in my rankings above, but if barbed wires were being wrapped around your arm, I might switch mental with physical above.

So to answer your question, if I were being hit with a stick or having barbed wire wrapped around my arm, I would rather have my natural parents doing it, but if they were sexually abusing me, I would rather be adopted even if my adoptive parents hit me with a stick and wrapped barbwire around my arms, but that is a whole different degree.

Answer 13

This question really points to the black and white thinking in adoption.

No one believes that a child should be abused, what is defined as abuse varies greatly, and I think emotional abuse is also very damaging, and rampant in our culture.

I would rather have a child adopted than be in a dangerous situation, and I know some families are simply not able to parent due to generational dysfunction.

But it is kind of pointless to answer a question that is so reductive.

In the real world, children are separated from non-abusive homes and adopted into abusive homes, children are taken from abusive homes and put into abusive adoptive homes, children are taken from abusive homes and placed with really committed and loving adoptive parents who help them work through their issues, or children are voluntarily relinquished from non-abusive situations into non-abusive situations,  There are as many adoption stories as there are adoptions.

Then there is the degree of abuse, some people like myself consider any form of corporal punishment abusive, others think a swat on the bottom is fine.

Of course there are the horrifying extreme examples of abuse, but guess what these happen in adoptive families too, so you can't say adoption necessarily across the board takes care of the abuse issue.

Adoption can be a very healing, wonderful thing for a child, it can also be an unnecessary trauma.  It depends on the child and their particular circumstance.  As I have said before, humans don't live on a binary system, there are more possibilities than on or off, yes or no, believe it or don't.

Putting me down, isn't going to make you right, you know.

You can't even accept the gradations in life, or read what I am saying, or many others that post here, including some adoptive moms, who you call anti-adoption, and a host of other meant-to-be-stinging insults.

No I don't believe in abusing children, nor do I believe a mother complaining about her children whining on a message board is abuse,nor do I believe asking a question as the woman did about a two year old being left in a bathtub horrific child abuse, she was asking, the proper response is to say, no, it is not safe, not to take her child from her.

You are very invested in smearing some people here, why?

What will that win you?

thankyou though for the wishes for my well-being on your other post,  I value my well-being too, and always accept good thoughts. ;)

Answer 14

Abused is way worse.  Adoption itself is not a bad thing, although there needs to be some changes.  As long as adoptive parents allow their child to grieve their biological parents, and are open and honest about the adoption, then usually an adoption is not really that traumatic (although obviously it depends on the adoptee).  

I guess I think of it this way:  You often here of adoptees having a pleasant adoption experience, but you never hear of pleasant physical abuse experiences.

Answer 15

wee mee, neither is favorable. What you should be doing, is working twords preventing EITHER from happening. If we're going to be talking about the best interests of the child, then lets really address whats BEST for the child.

I worry about you weemee. You're hurting, its clear. are you getting help for your wounds? are you okay for real? its okay to just let go now and then. take a deep breath.

Answer 16

You don't have to pick a 'which'.  Studies have already shown that the trauma level IS THE SAME for children over the age of 6.  I would STILL choose adoption for a child who is physically abused when there is not much chance that the parent is going to change their ways in the near future.  Children shouldn't be put on hold for 4 years.

Also, as another poster pointed out, many adoptive parents are abusive as well.

Answer 17

being abused is a terrible thing for a child to go through.

adoption isn't bad AT ALL!

adoption's beautiful meaning is that the child's parents couldn't give him a life he would be satisfied with so they leave the child with someone else, as they know that the action will be able to give the child a better life.

Answer 18

I can't answer this question even in the hypothetical.

Your question implies that all first parents are abusive when that is just not documented or true in any way.

My firstmom is not an abusive person.

My adoptive step sister and two adoptive aunts had children out of wedlock and while they were young and none of their children were abused.

Where are all of these potentially abusive first mothers?

I don't know any personally.

It's a moot point anyway isn't it?

I was adopted.  I am adopted. Hypothesizing interesting and unrealisitc scenarios isn't going to change anyone's situation or their opinions.

It is interesting that many of your questions focus on hypothetically abusive biological parents.

I'm sorry if this was your situation.

I will answer your end question, children who are living in abusive situations should be removed from the abusive environment immediately.  No child should ever have to live with abuse.

Answer 19

There isn't any comparison between the two. I know plenty of people who were adopted and raised in happy homes.

Answer 20

being physically abused!!!! I cannot understand anit-adopters, if a child is going into a loving caring enviroment versus being kept with their crack addict loser parents how is that in the best interest of the child?? An adopted family can offer so much for this child than the biological 'abusing' parents.

Answer 21

With all due respect, your question suggests there are only 2 choices, and only one type of abuse.

Apparently you are not aware of any other types of abuse such as emotional or psychological abuse of which I suspect, dear Weeme, you yourself are a victim.

Let's get real here and understand that, even if a child is physically abused and then adopted, s/he is still going to suffer the repercussions of that abuse.  So... will the adoptive parents acknowledge that the child is still suffering from that trauma and, in addition, will now be suffering the trauma of losing his/her family?

I hope you don't naively believe that adoption magically erases all life prior to adoption, nor that adoption somehow is the perfect scenario for children.  If you believe especially the latter, well then let's all pass our children to the family on our left who has more money and says all the right things.

The parenting skills of adopters are just as much - if not MORE - in question than the parenting skills of physically abusive bio families.  Personally, I would have preferred physical abuse to the emotional/psychological abuse and neglect I received in my adoptive family.  And, no, the abuse was not intentional - just selfishly ignorant.

Just because an adoptive family is not physically abusive doesn't mean they are not psychologically abusive - like the radio show host who has denigrated the natural father of his 4 adopted children to such an extent that they have internalized their "lowlife bum" father as part of themselves.  Nice.

Frankly, I worry about the parenting skills of adopters who are so adamant that adoption should and will erase the history, losses, pain, and integrity of every adopted person.  There are plenty of adoptive parents for whom parenting classes would be completely useless.

Answer 22

Being abused. Its just a bigger sign that your own parents don't love you the way parents are supposed to love you. If you're with a another parent who loves you, at least you know you have people who care about you at home. I rather be adopted believe it or not. It hurts to say that i get physically and verbally abused, and yet, the toughest challenge is to try to deal with it or find another parents but they give me the fear that if i find another parent, they'll treat me worse...

Answer 23

i've been in both situations. i know that my physical abuse was way worse than my adoption. i was blessed to have the family i have now. i only wish i was adopted sooner. i still  have contact with my mother (natural mother) and i'm still happy for the way things worked out. because of the abuse i had a hard time with life and i still do sometimes. why would going to a loving, caring family ever be a bad thing? blood doesnt matter when it comes to family. why should genetics matter...i think it's stupid that genetics rule over what's truely best for the child. i truely with laws would change the idea that genetics and blood are more important than love and care. it's an ignorant idea to think that because you share genetics means that the person should have the rights. if your an abusive parent than you dont deserve your children.

Answer 24

Why would you assume most adoptees haven't been abused? I know several in my support groups who suffered greatly at the hands of imbalanced adopters who realized the little "gift" they adopted wasn't greatful or like them. Many people who don't deal with their greif of infertility are especially likely to exhibit poor parenting abilities.

Now to answer your question - I think being separated from one's mother does the most damage, followed by the crazy-making of trying to "pretend" the strangers that are raising you are family,.

Answer 25

I'm an adoptee, and now a foster parent who has adopted one foster child.  In my opinion, definitely physical abuse.  Adoption involves loss, for sure, and I don't pretend that it's perfect, although in my case I admit I had a great life with my parents, but abuse leaves lifelong scars and creates further problems and issues that take a lot of time and help to overcome.  Believe me, as bad as adoption may seem, pitting loving, non-abusive adoptive parents against abusive natural parents is like comparing apples and oranges.  There's just no comparison.  I would say pick adoption hands down.

Answer 26

being abused is worse definitely

Answer 27

Abuse would definitely be worse!!  How can anyone even compare the two?  I would choose adoption over abuse any day!

Answer 28

Hoe about being with your natural parents and not abused or with your adoptive parents and abused?

That is my reality, stop bashing the natural parents and exalting the adopters to an unworthy pedestal. Abusers are not only on one side. Your questions seek to demonise a group of people not worthy of your hatred. Nobody is perfect and parents across the board abuse, some of them aren't even aware that their behavior is abusive. I'm sure that my abusive adopter had no idea that his "punishments" were abuse. He sees it now and has made amends but at the time he thought he was teaching me right from wrong. It goes for natural parents as well, many children are removed from homes justly due to abuse at the hands of the people who are to be their protectors.

You can not stigmatize an entire group of people. It is juvenile and degrading.

Answer 29

being abused is worse.

Answer 30

Well, I was abused WITH my adopters.

Mostly emotional abuse, but my 'loving' adoptive mother was known to beat my abrother and I (but never her 2 bio kids) with leather belts, and get this--Hot Wheel tracks on bare bottoms.  She finally got tired of that, and had a woodworking neighbor make her a paddle with holes drilled in for extra kick,  fashioned just for this purpose.

I wish Mary G would respond to this question--something like 80% of adoptees are abused. I believe adoption in the closed system is profoundly emotionally abusive.  It's taken me longer to recover from those 'scars'.

It's not an either/or Weeme.  Most kids who are raised by thier bio parents are NOT abused.  Adoptee abuse statisitics are very close to step-family abuse statistics.

It is better statistically to be raised among blood relatives, when a non-bio 'relative' is brought in, abuse rises.

Everyone, adopted or biological deserves to be raised in a home where there is no abuse.  Some of us aren't that 'lucky'.

Answer 31

Sunny, where do you get that 80% of adoptees are abused?  That's seriusly whacked!  I can see that a higher percentage of adoptive parents, especially ones who adopted older children out of foster care, are parenting children who have RAD and other VERY serious problems that were the result of their life before placement may be abused due to the absolutely unimaginable difficulty of parenting a child so out of control.  So, the real stats may be slightly higher than children living in bio families, but 80% is seriously skewed.  Anyway, these are the children many people say are the only ethical adoptions, the ones who come from desperate situations and "really need" families, but not many people are equipped to parent a child with these serious difficulties.  Don't get me wrong, I'm NOT excusing abuse, but it's not as simple as adoptive parents are abusive and bio parent arent (or vice versa).