What do you think of a doctor who tells you that your?

Question

love one has no hope? When my mother had her heart attack on Sunday, we thought there was brain and heart damage so we told them to withhold dialysis. Today my mom was alert and knew where she was and they are trying to wean her off the ventilator. We called the nephrologist to have him resume dialysis and he felt it was foolish for us to do so because we were told she would have another stroke or heart attack. Has anyone ever had a doctor tell them this?

Answer 1

Therer is nothing wrong with buying time. Get another doctor on the case. Another opinion can never hurt. If she were my mother and she was still talking and and knows what is going on you have to give her a chance. Well I would anyway.

Answer 2

That's a tough decision. My dad had a stroke and couldn't swallow. He was 91, and had a lot of other problems also. We chose not to have a feeding tube inserted. He was put in hospice where he was to die within 10-12 days. After he was taken off of all medication, he became very alert and we had a couple days of talking together like we hadn't had in about 1 1/2 years. The family was so torn as to whether we did the right thing, because he seemed so good. They finally convinced us that even if we put the feeding tube in, he still had all the other problems, and it would only prolong his life, but not give him any quality to life. He would never be his old self again.

We kept the feeding tube out, and let him pass away peacefully. I still think we made the right decision with his comfort in mind.

Good luck, and please be at peace with the decisions. You are working based on your emotions, but the doctors have seen this same situation many times and know the outcome.

Answer 3

I was told this too when my mother was very sick. I insisted on them keeping her alive with a feeding tube. She never recovered. I felt like c**p for it because I didn't have the heart to let her go either. But, you really have to go with your heart. A mother is too precious to give up on. I will keep you in my prayers.

Answer 4

I work in an ICU and have for many years. Doctors are just people, some are smarter than others, some have nicer bedside manners than others...I dont think it's ever appropriate to take hope away from family members, just like it's not appropriate to tell people that everything will be OK in a critically ill patient. No hope means your loved one is either brain dead or is on death's doorstep and they are out of interventions to try. Your mother doesnt sound like she is there yet. Ignore that comment and, if you like, ask to see another doctor, but do what you think your Mom would want you to do in this case. We have all seen patients who were near death get better and get released in time. Only God knows. I had a doctor give me the " your dad's lived a long life but he has a heart condition and yada yada yada"speech when I took him to the hospital when he thought he was having chest pains. All tests came back negative and he was relesed after a couple of days of testing. That doctor practically told me to let him go as though he was dying, it pissed me off because my dad had been healthy and doing well. That was about five years ago, my Dad is now 85 and we still go to the YMCA and work out together. Yesterday he was trimming the bushes and the yard. He looks 65. That doctor didnt know. Do what you think is right for your family member.

Answer 5

You did the right thing.  Bless you.

DeeJay.

Answer 6

Does your mother have a living will?  If she does, I'd respect her wishes.  And, yes...I have been in your position.

Answer 7

Life is precious, and you only have one mother.  Doctors usually know the outcome, but many don't practice much bedside manner. Buying time is natural; don't feel guilty.  You will know when to let go.  My thoughts are with you.

Answer 8

I would have asked for a second and third opinion. Give her a chance to live - sure, you're buying time for her, but we never know when our time is up. That healthy doctor might step in a gopher hole tomorrow and die before your mother.  

Answer 9

Fired the doctor on the spot or at the very least got a second opinion.  Unless you can walk on water, how can you really tell how much time she has left, and anyway, isn't she entitled to all she can get?  If it's money, get with your city/county/state and federal programs for help.

Answer 10

The best thing is to do as mom wanted. Hopefully everyone has a living will today. I know I have one and that my daughter will abide by it. I know I don't want to be suffering and not be able to tell anyone. It is hard situation to face and you did what you thought was right in your heart.God Bless.

Answer 11

A similar thing happened with my dad, but my mom allowed the dialysis; it did no good, as he did have another heart attack that ended his life.  

It's a difficult choice and I don't believe there is any right or wrong answer.  And in the emotionally charged atmosphere when these decisions are made, you may not have the ability or time to truly weigh all options.  And we also don't know when the end will be until it comes.  

Answer 12

I would report him.

Answer 13

I had a doctor once and he was an arrogant pig, he thought he knew everything and of course he didn't-the man was a eejit.

Answer 14

I agree with your decision.  My husband had a heart attact July 20.  I would have given anything for him to come back and be alert if only for a little time...but we had no such luck.

Answer 15

I would follow your mother's wishes, if it were me.

Answer 16

I am sorry you are going through this Daisymae...

The only wisdom I can give you, is to make the decisions that you can live with. Since your mother left no instructions of how she felt (and obviously never covered the possibilities in conversation either, before her fall) it is up to you to interpret for her....

Treat her with the same love and care you have treated her with in these years you have been living with her, and if that includes getting a second nephrologist in to restart the dialysis then that is what you should do...

At the end of it all, your mother will die. Only God knows whether sooner or later. It is nature's intent for all of us. It is how you live your life between here and there that matters most. Make the decisions in the way you can live with afterwards!

Answer 17

I think that the doctor was probably giving you their opinion, but the final decision is yours or your mother's if she has already made her wishes clear.  I cannot honestly say what I would do in that situation because I've never been there.  I cannot understand how difficult this is for you, but my prayers are with you.

Answer 18

More than once. I don't recall exactly what I thought only what I felt, devastated.

Answer 19

Listen to the doctors advice then use your own good judgment to make a decision about your mother's medical treatment.  The medical experts don't have all the answers.  My mother-in-law had several spells of sinking very close to death during her last 10 years of life. My husband and I were told to "say our goodbyes" to her more than once.  She was even in hospice care for a while but lived a couple of years after that. It was tough making those decisions but I think my husband made the right ones concerning his mother.  She had many physical problems but was always alert and happy to see us.  When her time came at 92 she died peacefully.  I will pray for your mother and you.

Answer 20

speaking as a nurse i can say sometimes people need a ventalator..but only you guys know her wishes and her views on death..the problem is a loved one can have a living will and if the children get emotional or threatening that will goes out the window..the only one who suffers in this is the patient.  i have seen family members hang on to them till there isn't any thing left that even resembles them.  I just hope she had discussed with you all. whatever you all decide just keep her comfort and hers alone the priority. Good Luck and best wishes.

Answer 21

Daisymae,

I think it is wrong.  I have heard it too with family that were very sick.  It is not something they should say.  They do not have the final say.

My mom was in that situation and did not come back after a heart surgery.  Do not let anyone tell you what to do.  THis is your mom and your decision and believe me I understand how hard it is. Sorry  

Answer 22

i feel for you so much .  my sister's mother in law was 84 years old , full of life , independent and on her own still . last month she was in the mall and had an aneurysm . my sister was called and told " hurry here as she was not going to pull through "

my sister and her hubby raced there and his mom lived 4 a day , then passed . they had a very hard time and had to follow his moms wishes of " do not revive ". i feel for your situation and god bless you . you will do the right thing .  d.

Answer 23

hether you bring your dying loved one home or keep vigil in the hospital, providing simple care measures at the end of life can ease the anxiety for you both.

The doctor says your loved one is dying. Though you knew the end of life would come eventually, you might not feel prepared to let your loved one go. But you can be prepared to help make your loved one's last days of life as comfortable as possible. And understanding what to expect can reduce the anxiety you feel as the end of life draws near.

You can begin by learning about the common signs and symptoms of impending death. Though some signs at the end of life, such as irregular breathing and confusion, can be distressing, know that these are normal parts of the dying process.

How doctors can tell when the end of life is approaching

Predicting exactly when someone will die is very difficult. Doctors can estimate the end of life in terms of months, weeks or days. But some terminally ill people who seem near death will suddenly get better. Others will progress quicker than expected toward death.

In general, several signs can indicate that your loved one is at the end of life and is beginning the dying process. This is called the pre-active phase of dying, and it generally begins about two weeks before death, but this can vary. Signs that your loved one has entered this phase of the end of life include:

    * Difficulty getting out of bed. Many formerly active people may find they no longer have the strength or energy to get out of bed at the end of life.

    * Restlessness. This may manifest as agitation or the need to be moved or repositioned often.

    * Withdrawal from activities. Your loved one may no longer want to participate in social activities he or she used to enjoy.

    * Increased need for sleep. Your loved one may spend most of the day asleep as the end of life nears.

    * Loss of appetite. It's natural for people who are dying to gradually reduce the amount they eat and drink. Don't force your loved one to eat and try not to take it personally if he or she refuses a meal you've spent time preparing. Provide only the foods that your loved one wants. Eating or not eating won't slow down or speed up the dying process.

    * Pauses in breathing. This can happen when the person is asleep or awake.

    * Difficulty healing. Wounds and infections may not heal.

    * Swelling in the arms and legs. Swelling may occur in other areas of the body, as well.

    * Seeing people who have already died. Your loved one may speak about seeing or feeling the presence of loved ones who have died.

    * Settling unfinished business. This might include calling for people he or she hasn't seen in many years or expressing a need to tie up loose ends.

Sometimes your loved one might feel as if death is near. This may be another sign that your loved one is in the pre-active phase.

Preparing for the last phase of life: Choosing where to die

Talk with your loved one about his or her wishes for the last phase of life. These conversations can be uncomfortable and difficult, but they provide your loved one with the ability to maintain control and help in planning. Ask your doctor or your loved one's doctor for suggestions on how to start such a conversation.

If your loved one has had a chronic illness for some time, you might have already discussed his or her wishes about end-of-life care. If not, you might have an idea, based on your knowledge of the person, where he or she would like to be in the last days of life. Most people say they'd prefer to die at home, but it isn't always possible. Consult your loved one on his or her preferences for care, including:

    * Home care. Many people choose to die in the familiarity of their own home or the home of a family member. This might require you to take on the role of caregiver, but you might also choose to have home care services to assist you.

    * Hospice care. Hospice care takes place in a variety of settings. The majority of hospice care in the United States occurs at home. Hospice services might also be provided in a 24-hour residential care setting. Hospice personnel may offer their services at a nursing home, where they supplement the nursing home's care.

    * Hospital. Some people prefer the comfort of having nurses and doctors nearby at all times. In a hospital, your loved one is cared for by nurses, though you can help with some of the caregiving if you wish.

    * Nursing home. Like hospitals and in-patient hospices, nursing homes have medical staff on duty at all times. If your loved one needs more advanced care, this might be an option. Also, some terminally ill people choose nursing home care to take pressure off their families.

Also consider costs for each type of service. Medicare or Medicaid may cover some of the costs, depending on your loved one's situation. Discuss your options with your loved one's health care team or with a social worker.

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Answer 24

I lost my late wife 8 years ago. We were told,no use life flighting her,she won't make it. At least we tried,but she w as gone the next day. She never knew what happened. Never had a last chance to say goodbye!

Answer 25

   Has anyone asked your mother what she wants? I would say it's up to her.

  yes I have had a Dr. like that, he didn't last long I took him off the case.

Answer 26

My prayers are with you and your Mom, Daiseymae.

I could not have pulled the plug either. Whether she has a few days, or longer, enjoy the time you have. Fretting will just make you miserable,and in turn disturb your Mom. You know her better than anyone.