What do you think of how the parents handled this situation?

Question

http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/orl-lritchie1308jan13,0,5645203.column

Answer 1

This is a good example of why I do not support international adoptions.  There is no support system for the adoptees or the adoptive parents.  However, these horror stories happen right here in the US and it has nothing to do with the age of the children.  A couple in our Fost-Adopt group were matched with two little boys.  They were siblings removed from birth parents because of sexual abuse.  They were five and three.  This couple had to send the children back because they simply could not deal with finding the boys continuously having their little version of anal and oral s*x with one another and offering to do so with them.  They took them to a family gathering and had to leave when they kept attempting to pull the pants off of another little boy.

They truly did not know what to do.  The agency offered the family counseling, etc., but they knew that they could not handle the children's very serious problems.  The felt so guilty after giving the boys back that they dropped out of the program.  My hope is that they were able to heal and find a match with a child or children that they could love and provide them with a wonderful home.

And I hope that the boys got the help they needed and that a home is found for them that can provide them with the love and care every child deserves.

Answer 2

They should not have been allowed to adopt.  Many PAPs adopt with stars in their eyes, and adoption agencies looking only at their bottom line do not bother to correct their fantasy - despite the fact that the best interests of several children should have been considered.  Obviously, this did not happen.

How the adoptive parents handled the situation is shameful too.  In THEORY, adoptive parents make a commitment to the children they adopt that they will be their parents forever.  As someone else said, parents with natural children behaving in such a way would work through the situation - not offload their children.

Most people who adopt are woefully uninformed or misinformed.  Part of the blame is on them for not bothering to do their own research.  But most of the blame lies with the adoption agencies whose priorities are profit, not the best interests of children.

Answer 3

They adopted them and brought them to a foreign country.

They should be held responsible for their upbringing, including any counselling until adulthood, whether the boys reside within or outside of their household.

Answer 4

I totally agree with Heather H.

You adopt a child and you have a lifelong responsibility to it.  Yes you have a responsibility to your other children too, but you can't just hand your adopted child to the authorities and let them take over.  Would you do this if your birth child molested one of your other children?  I bet not.  You would gain whatever help you could to enable your family to stay together.

Answer 5

Wow. Idk, that is so hard. I have to admit I would do anything to protect the victim. I support their decision.

Answer 6

I don't think they had much choise.  They couldn't allow the girl to continually be molested. That would not have been fair to her, and who is to say that the violence wouldn't have escalated even further. They are not bad parents. Even some bios have to do this with their own because of things like this. With the children coming from another country they didn't have the opportunity to observe and have any kind of real interaction with the boys like they might have if it had been done closer to home. That's one of the problems with adopting out of country and sometimes even within the our country. The true facts about the child are left out just for the sake of getting them a home. Those who are in charge of placing  "problem" children place no thought into what will happen to the family or the children once the adoption takes place. They don't tell the prospective parents of this problems because they know they probably won't take them.  This is another reason reforms need made all medical files of prospective adoptees should be given to the them so that they can make a decision on if this will be good for all the members of the family. I'm pretty sure if they had known of the violent nature of these boys (especially since they had young daughters) they would have reconsidered. Truth wouldn't it be great if everyone had to tell it.

Answer 7

This is a very sad story...and i feel for everyone BUT what were they thinking add two almost teenager into a home with younger girls.Boy can be over sexed and coming from another country they should have thought about add girls to there house.. I have a dear friend that bless them they have opened there home to foster children 5 girls and when i asked why no boys??/ They told me they had two girls of there own that taking in boys that may have Big problem they need to keep there children SAFE... Who knows what horrible things happened to the boys..Sad Sad all around

Answer 8

That is a horrible situation. I think there are a lot of things that could have been done beforehand to prevent this though.

For one, nearly every social worker we spoke with and every book we read strongly recommended that we not disrupt the birth order (meaning that we should only adopt a child who was younger than our youngest child at home). The vast majority of good agencies had strong policies against allowing a family to disrupt birth order.

Two, I get that the agency lied to them. But I highly doubt they were the only victims of that. Was the agency was running a legitimate operation and suddenly decided to lie just to these folks? Good research and being in contact with many families who already had children home who were placed through that agency could have warned them that they were not getting the full story. This is why agency selection is so important, and why I shudder when I see posts asking for the cheapest or quickest agency.

Third, why was their response to the boys physically harming the girls to teach the girls "a few defensive moves." That should have been a HUGE red flag. Before we adopted our agency had us take multiple parenting courses which explained in great depth all the warning signs of RAD. Had they taken steps then, at the first warning, they could have prevented the rape of their daughter. Their homestudy agency and/or social worker (again this goes back to good agency selection) should have had contingency plans in place to assist the family at the first signs of issues... and foster care shouldn't have been it.  

I get that hindsight is 20/20 but it truly sounds to me like they entered the adoption process with a great deal of naivety.

Answer 9

It's unfortunate that events had a chance to escalate as they did. The parents did what they had to do after the fact. The parents know that they could never love or properly care for their young daughters rapists. The boys behavior was despicable and criminal, it should never have been allowed to happen. Hind sight is 20/20 and now it's too late.

Answer 10

Sad story.  Poor boys.  Poor girl. As a mother of five girls sexual abuse is the first thing i think of!  Thats one of the major reasons not to adopt out of  birth order!  They should never have been able to adopt those boys.  Now the boys are much worse off than they were before they were adopted in the first place.  What were those parents thinking?  Do your research people and use common sense.

I don't even let my girls spend the night at friends homes who have older brothers.  This is real life not a fairytale land.  The parents let their daughter down and their sons.  Adoption is forever.  Even if the boys are institutionalized they should have to pay and support them.  Sad story all around but i totally blame the a-parents.

Answer 11

wow, what a horrible situation!  i think they were totally justified in how they handled it.

Answer 12

I thought when people wanted to adopt a child they had to have them for a few months as a foster child before they were allowed to adopt, to make sure the child and the parents were a good fit together.  I do think that these parents made the best decision, so that they can keep their family together, and so they can help their daughter overcome what she has been through.  They wanted to raise these boys and give them a life with a family that loved them.  They were lied to by the agency though, so I don't think it's fair that they have to keep them, especially considering the circumstances.    

I'm not trying to relate humans to dogs but think about it this way.  You and your husband decide that you should get a dog for your family and you have a 5 year old little girl.  You go to the pet store and pick out the cutest little dog, the store clerk tells you he is very happy and playful and in perfect health.  You take it home to find that it's attacking your little girl.  You take it to the vet to get tested and you find that it has rabies.  Would you keep the dog, because you in essence adopted it, and gave it a home, even though it was a danger to your family?  I'm sure you would either put it down, or take it back to the pet store and demand that they give you a healthy dog, because that is what you went in there for.

Answer 13

Well, the whole story is very sad.

I know the tone of the story seems to be 'oh, these poor adoptive parents!' But it doesn't read that way to me at all.

First, is the fact that the adopted from Russia, when we have thousands of American foster children available for adoption.  They also adopted 'out-of birth order' which I have read is not good for adoptive families to do.

While I know the 'parents' had no way of knowing the boys would be sexually abusive to their daughters (obviously they had been sexually abused themselves) they should have done more research about children who are non-biologically related, and puberty-aged living together.  This is often a problem in step families, where two homes with post-puberty aged children have sexual relationships.

I understand that they can't keep these boys in their home, but I'm also angry that they are able to truly DUMP these kids into the foster care system, who were not citizens of our country, for the state of Florida to pay for.  I don't see a bright future for these kids--they're too damaged to be functional in our society, with NO help from this couple.

And obviously this irresponsible, negligent couple are garnering all the public sympathy, and NONE of the responsibility.

Answer 14

For me, I feel for the daughter. Having been molested as a child I would do ANYTHING to protect my child or another child from that happening to them. You bet your butt I would give my child (biological or not) up to authority if they raped or sexually abused my other children (to me foster care is not the right choice, they are only being put into a situation where they can hurt another child). It would be hard, and I can only imagine how hard and heart renching it would feel to know that I am giving up my child but I would make sure something was done that no other person is harmed because of them.

The parents are also not getting a get out of jail free card here. They never done any thinking. They just thought oh how lovely I think we will adopt today and went about business as if they were getting a cat or something. They adopted older children who who had a history of mistrust and abuse (being told they had RAD or not means nothing to me, they were told of their history. Anyone could have extracted from that that the boys would be emotionally ditraught and something would be wrong with them, they are candidates for a family that has ONLY them and are able to devote enourmous amounts of time and effort to 'heal' these kids).

They adopted two boys with a long history who do not speak their language and took them to a country where they know nothing and into a premade family with all of the problems their history can bring without batting an eye. The world is not sunny and bright 24/7. Did they not think that these boys would haev problems and that even if they never being thrown into this situation would make them feel alone and isolated?

Answer 15

Reactive Attachment Disorder is very difficult to deal with.  It is going to be impossible for them to deal with this and help their 7 year old daughter deal with the rape.  I don't see where they had a whole lot of options.  RAD is a major reason that older kids don't often get adopted.

Answer 16

Well, there are a few different sides to this story:

1.  Most obvious would be the boys.  They have RAD.  The thought going through their heads (conscious or not) 24/7 is "nobody wants me".  Well, what a surprise.  These American jerks don't want them, either.  Time to move on and hurt someone else, cuz y'know, hurt or be hurt.

2.  The parents.  I get that the agency lied to them.  I get that the facts weren't staring them in the face.  But isn't it their responsibility to do some research?  Maybe I'm jaded from working with troubled youth (a staggering percentage of whom were adoptees from foreign countries with RAD...shock and awe, huh?), but if you're going to make a lifelong committment, you'd better be ready to be in it for the long haul.  Which brings me to...

3.  The girls.  There is no question that the parents did what needed to be done after the fact.  But so much more should have been done BEFORE hand.

I'm expecting a lot of people to say (and maybe they already have - I haven't read other answers) that the agency should have been up front and all that.  But, because this couple chose to adopt internationally, the regulations are so...I don't know the word I'm looking for...loose, I guess, that people need to expect the unexpected.  I absolutely think that what other countries do in order to get their kids adopted is sick and wrong (check out Romania, where if the kids aren't adopted by the time they turn 7, they are sold off as s*x slaves...you think they tell THAT to PAP's from America?)  The fact is that the officials, or professionals, or whatever you want to call the people who work in the adoption industry in other countries are not in the business of honesty.  They are in the business of getting children adopted outside the country, and they'll do what they can to make sure that happens.  PAP's need to inform THEMSELVES, and not rely on the agency.  Do some research, for heaven's sake!  These kids' lives are not your toy!