What do you think of my Dreams Trigee?

Question

Dreams

Beneath the stars horizon,…………Black opal shade of night,

Between the shifting sand,…………Envelopes my being tight,

Place of possibilities,……………… Quiet Serine tranquillity,

Captured by a cam,…………………Mosaic coloured imagery.

Answer 1

I think it quite good , really .

:0)

Answer 2

I think it's lovely and very calming.

I am far from qualified to critique, but I think maybe "embraces" instead of envelopes. Just my opinion.

Love it!

Just read it a few more times...maybe envelopes does work better.

Answer 3

Between the shifting sand----my being embraces

Thought I would get in this too, I thought this sounded really flowing also

Black opal shade--my being embraces

Yup think this sounds good too, What do you think?  

Very pretty, poetry with a mellowing effect, very beautiful indeed!!  Cheers!!

Answer 4

Lano's edits are worth looking at, they flow and are cohesive.  

Answer 5

The line " Captured by a cam", makes it a STIFF picture.How about more dynamic line :

Ready to expand,......Mosaic colored imagery.

Nice, It sounds like Cream Caramel, Brown Sugar!

Answer 6

Nice poem. I been to Egypt, and I thought of night time in Cairo, Egypt when I read this poem.  

Answer 7

Quite nice, peaceful. "my being tight" ? is all I do not feel right.

Answer 8

I love it. You use great detail and that is definitely what I love in poetry.

Answer 9

Beneath the stars' horizon,

Between the shifting sand,

Place of possibility,

Camera in hand,

Can't get that 2nd one to line up, down-wise. Mmm. It's also getting abbreviated for some reason. I'll just type the 2nd part below.

Black opal shade of night,

Envelops me so tight,

Such serene tranquility,

Multi-coloured imagery.

You meant 'envelops' and 'serene'.

Any help?

4 thumbs up??? h**l, I must be losing my touch!!!

Answer 10

I never thought I'd say this...but, Lano has a good point.