What do you think of my Limerick poem?first attempt?

Question

http://www.shadowpoetry.com/resources/wi...

Barber's Discount!....By Tia Metcher

A man walked into a barber shop,

To get the latest trendy hair crop,

He had a deal of 10% off,

"Good gracious Sir, your hair is all doff!",

Barber gave his bush-eyebrows a chop.

Answer 1

There once was an Aussie named Tia

She worked very hard, Mama Mia!

Writing in rhyme

At the same time

Driving her red Karmann Ghia...

They are flexible. Mine is 9,9,4,4,8—a,a,b,b,a

_ / _ _ / _ _ / _

_ / _ _ / _ _ / _

/ _ _ /

/ _ _ /

/ _ _ / _ _ /_

The Limerick

Answer 2

Must be different definitions for limericks and structure. Five lines  with the first, second and fifth lines having 3 metrical feet.  Line two and four would have 2 metrical feet. Probably a lot of variables though. Your line beats are 9,9,9,9,9?  This needs some work.

Answer 3

Great job, you should really submit it to http://www.papertank.com and see what they think!

I bet you could get a high rating for it on there!

Answer 4

Its had too many lines for a limerick.

A limerik has a rhyme pattern of-

a

a

b

a

So four lines, not five like yours.

So, instead of..

'"Good gracious Sir, your hair is all doff!",

Barber gave his bush-eyebrows a chop.'

Say-

'and the barber gave his bushy eyebrows a chop'

I dont know about the other line, but thats all i can come up with.

Critique my poem..?

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 5

The opening line sounds too much like the first line to a joke so,i've written; A fellow frequented a barbershop. To try out the latest new  crop... & that's as far as i got because i think the word doff is wrong But,the essence of it is still funny.but,like you say it needs tweaking.

Answer 6

Haven't written Limericks, just a suggestion.

A man walked into a barber shop

To get the latest trendy hair crop.

My hair is long, but don't cut much

Leave enough so that I can touch.

With that bushy eyebrows went plop.

Answer 7

A limerick that is not unclean

And does not intend to demean

Falls flat, Tia Metcher.

It isn't a fetcher.

You have to be crass and obscene.

I admire your five lines on hair

But if they were mine I would swear,

And for hairs I would go

For ones barbers don't know--

I think you can figure out where.

Answer 8

That's not really a limerick its just a poem where all the sentences rhyme lines 3 and 4 don't work at all (off and doff) sorry to sound so critical but i would just scrap this and try again it seems rushed

Answer 9

I have always written limericks in the form of five lines with a beat pattern of

8, 8, 5, 5, 8, although this is flexible. More important is the flow and readability- these are typically read aloud for amusement.

Lines 1, 2 & 5 rhyme as do 3 & 4.

Thus;

There once was a lady from Ryde  8

Who ate fifty apples and died        8

The apples fermented                   5

Inside the lamented                      5

And made cider inside her inside.  9

Have fun!