What do you think of my Lullehean sonnet?

Question

This is more or less a religious sonnet.

***

Oh glassy sky, within your cloudless vault

Your golden queen, upon her flaming seat

Charms the oceans, whose waves in earthly salt

Bow to her lively blessings and entreat

Her kindly skirt of light and fiery crown

That ripens early summer in a fruitful gown

Oh lustful sky, your gaudy mistress

Who even charms the bashful mountain peak

Has yet to tell you, has yet to confess

That before the heavens how dim, how meek

Her praying face burns, as it gives to us

The sheen of god’s garden, that doth our skies emboss

***

Brief explanation on a Lullehean sonnet:

It comprises two stanzas of six lines, with rhyming pattern ABABCC. The last line of each stanza is an alexandrine (because it is a kind of punchline). This form is suitable for a comparative argument or something like that, as you see, in the first stanza, I compare the sun to the earth and in the second I compare it to the heavens. (God’s heavens)

Answer 1

I know this form might be a bit short, therefore I'm considering to make it a sonnet of 14 lines

Best regards,

Lulleh

Answer 2

This is a novel idea and affords the opportunity for comparison that is central to several tropes and rhetorical figures, but seldom extended to stanzaic proportions (with the exception of epic simile or allegory).  I will take my first tottering steps under your watchful eye, my Lullehean "sonnet" of Time:

O blessed gift and mother to all things,

The sap of life that each is nourished by,

Who deftly moves the world with unseen strings

And yet preserves until the moment's nigh.

To you we owe the mystery of our birth,

And all our seasons' fateful revels on this earth.

O darkest mother who devours all things

Who fear you without ever knowing why,

Assailing all your innocents with stings

Why do you close your eyes and let us die?

If you meant to destroy us from the start,

Why did you give our chance to live, our beating heart?

Answer 3

I think I read 2 beautiful pieces of poetry here yours and honest mans! I can only hope to write like that some day!! Cheers!!

Answer 4

Good job. It follows the rules, but I never cared much for highly structured poetry. Although, it is easy to judge.