Question:

What do you think of my boring story i just wrote ?

by  |  earlier

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Not sure what time it was ,when he got up . But when he got up ,there was no going back to sleep for him. Being alone never a easy thing to do , the thoughts run through his mind can never be gone till you go to sleep again. By yourself , for me is like living with a monster. But he was up ,again was very early in the morning . Was still dark outside , laying on my belly turning on the lamp . Rather than laying in bed through the rest of the night . He decided to go for a jog.

The neighborhood park was just near by , a short walk is all it took. The park lights lit up the place pretty well . There was a trail skimming the canal as well . The park light post shadow gemmed off the water , with the choppy waves , brewing wind.

Sitting on the bench for little while , wearing light shorts and shirt ,some sneakers . Slowly started at a jogging pace at the beginning at the trail . Jogging always stopped the thoughts of being lonesome . Running he could hear his breath , his body was speaking to him. Right now his body his having a pleasant conversation. Satisfying the eagerness in him . Continuing onwards he went with his jog.

The tree on the other side of the trail way hong over the concrete . Creating faces in the stones with their branches. The world seemed at peace in the dark green. Through pacing breath , you could hear birds deep hoofs in shallowing , forbidden places in the entangled woods.

Breathing out and in , out and in .

He had been running for a hour straight could feel sweat drooling down his back . The burning aching in his legs, head bouncing back , feeling as though could roll right off . Pacing jog had slowly worn away. And he had find himself back at his apartment room. Ready to take a shower , ready to go to work . For it was already early in the morning now.

The morning sun rising above the clouds. Also morning sleepiness was right back into him. After taking a shower , throwing some clothing on. He got ready to go to work.

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3 ANSWERS


  1. The changes in narrative perspective and case were very grating. Unless the story moves from the past into the present it's usually best to write in one tense i.e. either is or was but not both. Also if you tell people your story is boring in advance it will tend to colour their perceptions, so be positive and have another go. I'm no expert, but I hope this helps you think about your next try.


  2. Boring, yes--but potentially meaningful story...if you put more details.

    "...for me is like living with a monster."  How so, exactly?  That's one thing that bugged me.  Also, if you're serious about this short story, then I think you need to beef up his little jog/journey.    You tell a little bit of how and what the protagonist is feeling and thinking, but I don't think it's enough.  Like this part...

    "Running he could hear his breath , his body was speaking to him. Right now his body his having a pleasant conversation. Satisfying the eagerness in him ."  Again, the question "How?"  Can you go into further detail?  It would be nice if I didn't have to take everything the narrator says for granted, because I would like to "see" this happen for myself.

    But you definitely got something here, don't get me wrong.  It just needs some tweaks--like all drafts do.  Keep up the good work!

  3. There are no words to describe this experience except for, you're are right it was boring, and it was horrible. I felt like the brick-wall of text was going to fall on my head and knock me out.

    An idea: Correct spacing and an actual plot are your best friends, use their talents well.

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