What do you think of my first Rondel Poem?

Question

Rondel

A French form consisting of 13 lines: two quatrains and a quintet, rhyming as follows:

ABba abAB abbaA. The capital letters are the refrains, or repeats.

Departed road Poem By: Tia Metcher

The road once traveled divides and part,

My bleeding heart will always mourn,

Rose bud blooms now withered worn,

My lover so dear that I impart,

Pierced my heart with one fine dart,

Radiant beauty captivate adorn,

The road once traveled divides and part,

My bleeding heart will always mourn,

Until we meet and we're reborn,

My bleeding heart left lying torn,

Soul enveloped in winters hue, Forlorn,

You'll always be within my heart,

The road once traveled divides and part.

Answer 1

I am not familiar with this style but I enjoyed it...

Leaving "part" as singular is distracting but I realize why you did... would you be able to say "requires no chart"... would that fit are am I missing something?

I don't want to change it to something that you do not mean. .. It is only a suggestion, it is not my intent to be critical of something I have so little knowledge.

Note: do what TD said... he is right

Answer 2

The line you repeat, 'divides and part' is grammatically incorrect. You should stay within the same plurality, divides and parts... would work better. I love your words though. Very moving. Love your vocabulary. Adorn and mourn, just beautiful. Stay strong.

Answer 3

i like it

Answer 4

Put the s' in. They still make a soft rhyme. This is very nice.

Answer 5

Very Beautiful! great poem!

Answer 6

Very pretty Galactica see what you are saying about the rhyming

How about

You'll always be   within my  tender heart

The road once traveled divides us a part

Oh well just a thought- this was an amazing piece, very pretty! Cheers!

Answer 7

This is a very difficult form to master. (It is also one of my favorites). Like everything worth doing, it takes practice. You have made an excellent start and I hope you will continue.  

Answer 8

I will leave the critique to wiser souls than mine, and merely say that you have attempted a difficult form and emerged with a poem in hand. Congratulations and blessed be.

Answer 9

A simple change to make this really sing.  

"The road once traveled divides apart."

S2L2 radiant beauty, captivate, adorn

S3L2 my bleeding heart, left lying torn

Congrats, though, this has much merit to it with its message and flow.  

Answer 10

This is very nice and great for a first attempt! I have not attempted one yet and am not familiar enough to critique, so I will just say that I really enjoyed this and with the critique some of the others gave you, I think this will really be a gem!

Answer 11

very nice,  like a lost love or something.  

Answer 12

Three stanzas for one shot,

That is a lot

U could 'v brought,

Other imprints

To give the picture,

Other tints

To make it alive

Just for Rondel

To revive.

Have a nice weekend, and B cool 2 the brother!