What do you think of my first ever Tanka Poem?

Question

Tanka

Tanka is a classic form of Japanese poetry related to the haiku with five unrhymed lines of five,

seven, five, seven, and seven syllables. (5, 7, 5, 7, 7)

The 5/7/5/7/7 rule is rumored to have been made up for school children to understand and learn

this type of poetry. For an in depth description of Haiku, please visit the Shadow Poetry Haiku,

Senryu, and Tanka section.

Nux vomica lips,

Softly caress naiveness,

Through autumn’s cornflakes,

Snake sheds skin, but still reptile,

Only caterpillars change.

Answer 1

I think it's pretty.

Although I'm not sure what nux vomica lips are.

The last two lines only seem to give me a meaning.

You should try to focus on a topic, then write the poem about it.

This way when we read the poem, we have an image and can see what the object/meaning is that you are talking about.

Answer 2

So that's a tanka. It seems a complex format to execute and needs some practice. But you have done it really well.  but one thing? Is naiveness three syllabled?

Answer 3

Very nice Tanka.  I like the "Nux vomica" because it sounds as noxious as it was intended.  Great job, I like it very much.

Answer 4

I realize that "caress naiveness" makes a nice rhyme, but I think it's out of place here: first to even have a rhyme; second to incorporate a neologism - the real word is naivete.

Next is "autumn's cornflakes." It's too clever by half. It evoked the idea of the fallen leaves being compared to cornflakes, which is a nice poetic device - but again, it's out of place. It feels as if you are trying too hard. What you have here are two powerful lines, marred only slightly by the last word; then the third line, which is a total disaster, followed by the final two lines, which are a stunning success, both in idea and image. You are a fascinating poet - a lot of diamonds, a lot of rough. Tanka very much.

Answer 5

Interesting format.  I had to look up nux vomica.  Then it all made sense.  I like.  Well done.