What do you think of my first trigee?

Question

We sit here crying.......Inside these cold grey walls

For our lost father,........Green suits approach the door,

But he is gone, gone.........So sudden is the news.

To a place that we cannot follow.......We hope you like heaven, daddy.

Answer 1

That's really pretty, I like it. Sad, too. :-)

Good luck.

Answer 2

Yes, we like it very much.  I would suggest you arrange one sentence though, to make the imagery work best:

We sit here crying........Inside these cold grey walls.

For our lost father.........Green suits approach the door.

But he is gone, gone..........to a place we can't follow.

So sudden is the news.....We hope you like heaven, daddy.  

How do you like that?

Keep writing, you're good!

Answer 3

A lovely tribute, Blessings Be.

Answer 4

I haven't written trigee and don't remember all the rules. Can't critique in that respect. However, I like what you have written, and the way you have written it. The description of death and grieving is beautifully spoken. A great tribute for anyone who's father has deceased. It could even be mine from so many years ago.

Answer 5

I do not know, as I have always said, the rules... however this is a wonderful poem laced with subtle sadness and a great sense of depth... I will have to learn some more of the rules and try one out... hey, if you could give me some pointers that would be great!

Blessed Be in Learning Something New and Love and Light, Siren

Answer 6

Very beautifully done.  A trigee is difficult at best, and you made it look easy.

Answer 7

Really wonderful Trigee.  It flows beautifully in every aspect.  It is not so much melancholy as bittersweet, with the last sentence somewhat mitigating the pain expressed in the first. These are hard to do and you have done it so well, especially for a first attempt!  Very heartfelt poem.  Thank you.