What do you think of my little Summer Poem?

Question

Surfing crystal,

Blue ocean waves,

After a sip of my,

Sweet chardonnay,

Soothing soft sand,

Sieves through my toes,

As the heat of the sun,

Powders my nose,

Tequila, Midori,

Bourbon and beer,

Celebrating as,

Summer is here.

and nope, I don't need to see Alcaholic anonimous. LOL : )

Answer 1

Surfing crystal

blue ocean waves

after sipping

sweet chardonnay

Sharks looking funny

eyes a googling

better check  the wine

oh no! where's my bra!

No rhythm to that just some fun!  Beware the sun when alcohol is working!

Answer 2

I must find that beach, I must see if tequilla makes your clothes fall off.

Answer 3

Summer Poem:

In the summer what do you think of?

There are many things

People spend more time outside

like getting the outdoor work done

so a person can go to the beach

there is lots to do there.

going swimming

boating

surfing

someone can go water skiing

or surfing.

The summer can be hot

so there people can quench their thirst

with water, better yet lemonade

A person can laying in the sun

to get their tan

but be careful  

you can get burned

With lots of food to eat

they can have a BBQ

My summer poem.

Answer 4

Sounds like fun! No EWD here = Excessive Word Disorder, the New Poet's Disease.

Answer 5

I liked it and nothing wrong with trying all the yummy drinks you listed! Loved your  leisurely  summer poem relaxing with a glass of Chardonnay at the beach!! Wish I was there feeling that sand between my toes!!  Cheers !!!

Answer 6

Ah.....I can just feel that ocean breeze!

Lovely!

Haha! If you start slurring your words I'm going to have to call someone! :-)

Answer 7

This poem is metrically very pleasant, and this line made me smile: `as the heat of the sun/powders my nose.'    

If you don't mind a few reflections about rhythm: the first line is trochaic (it scans: `-`-); it is the only line which doesn't contain a dactyl (`--), and is also the only line that does not end on a downbeat (stressed syllable).  I think the first line might benefit from more concordance with the rest of the poem, particularly in the second point.  

A few places I would consider changing the metre for a more even effect: line 3, I would consider changing `after' to something like `and,' because otherwise the first beat of after overwhelms `sip.'  Line 11 doesn't have a clear stress pattern (I scan: --^-`); I might consider adding a stressed syllable to the beginning, such as `I'm celebrating, as.../' to get a clear dactylic effect.

I wouldn't normally presume like this, but you've achieved such a strong rhythmic effect already that I think I have a sense of your intentions.

Answer 8

The first two parts are fine, but the ending needs work.