What do you think of my love poem?

Question

As the sun sets, I sit and dream

Of your beauty and your grace

at nights I stare at the moon

To see your bright lovely face

You are the sunshine, I am a leaf

But when black clouds come between us

They weep with sorrow and grief

When i tell them of my loss

They grow thin to let me see

What I truly adore, your face!

And they set your rays free

For me to dearly embrace

You are the soft scent of flowers

The essence of the spring

I’m an old and empty vase

Wishing more a thing

To see your joyous smile

To feel your embrace

To have you come and stay with me

like a flower in a vase

Answer 1

good poem

Answer 2

TOO LONG

Answer 3

The first three stanzas, as edited, were fine...the final stanza didn't fit.  Your previous poem was fine...and, just like Edward Fitzgerald's continued editing of the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam, subsequent versions were not better than the first.  Drop the last stanza, and if you need to say what's in the last stanza, just write another poem :)

...but keep writing

Answer 4

Gud bt nt so interesting.

Answer 5

For the most part, I like the sentiment behind it.  Like all works of poetry, revision is a necessity and your piece is no different.  

"At nights I stare at the moon / To see your bright lovely face"

The use of the word "bright" doesn't seem to quite fit in with the fact that "the sun" has set and it is "at night" and you are staring "at the moon."  Perhaps a less translucent description could be found to coincide with the time of day or night.

"You are the sunshine, I am a leaf / But when black clouds come between us / They weep with sorrow and grief"

I had to read these lines several times to understand the meaning.  "Sunshine" is an effect caused by the sun, while a leaf is a tangible item.  You might want to use descriptions that match like "sunshine" and "fragrance" or "the sun" and a "leaf"

"They grow thin to let me see / What I truly adore, your face!"

Who is the "they" you reference in this line?

"...like a flower in a vase" : I'm not sure how romantic that lasts line.  The previous stanzas speak of "beauty and...grace" and how your love is "the sunshine."  But the culmination all leads up to wanting love to "come and stay with me / like a flower in a vase"?

Answer 6

The storyline in awesome because people rarely refer themselves to nature anymore. the cadence and timimg is off a little because you need to learn to omit here and add in there. If you used a metronome and read it, you would be off in rhythm. on this type of poetry, rhythm is important to display the storyline when it is being read to others to enjoy...

Flowers In A Vase

The sunset brings a glow to your face

The nighttime draws the fireflies too many to chase

The beauty of the world's still here

And words of love still are sincere

The air is sweet and thick to the taste

You're pretty as the flowers in a vase

Springtime starts the leaves on the trees

Wintertime they are long gone I can't believe

When black clouds shower us with rain

You blossom and come back again

The fragrances that linger 'round the place

You're pretty as the flowers in a vase

VIOLIN SOLO

The season's trade their hold on Earth to take

The long grass holds it's secret by the lake

The cold and heat the dark and light

A perfect balance to sustain life

The memories I never will erase

You're pretty as the flowers in a vase...

You're pretty as the flowers in a vase

Thank you for the inspiration...

I write lyrics to blues music and I write along with other poets in this post just to help keep my creative juices flowing. I don't steal material, I just like to collaberate for fun because I have tons of stuff I have published.