What do you think of my new poem?

Question

http://allpoetry.com/poem/4421879

I just wrote it and may add two more stanza's to it.

The title is

Her body is sinned/mind tainted/and heart corrupted

Tragedy strikes and they still look past her

Never noticing the scars on her heart.

Cuts go unnoticed and bruises scatter on her skin.

She screams but no sound comes out.

Shadows linger in the hallway.

Their coming for her they always do.

Sorry is a word she's never heard.

Pleasure is something she'll never feel.

She's an empty shell cracked open way too soon.

She hides her body in disgrace scared of what they might discover.

Questions echo in her mind as bodies lays on top of her.

Whispers surround her room as she cowers into the corner.

Her mind is tainted and her body covered with sins.

Innocence is departed and damage remains.

Answer 1

It's good, but needs more work.

This poem seems tailor made to rhyme, yet the imagery being conveyed by your words are rather powerful so i forget about that. The last stanza is the best by far, keep working on it and tweeking it, it could be a great piece of writing, but is obviously unfinished and needs some more work.

Answer 2

It's very good...yes maybe some tweeking but Micheal saying "This poem seems tailor made to rhyme" is wrong.  Mike you do know what rhyme is ....I'm sure you do and this is not. Dani you are trying to write something powerful and I hope this is not your story...but if it is... or not,  keep working on it until it becomes your own work.....when all you have to say and all the feelings are out there. The only person you have to make happy with your writing is yourself. I think it;s great! ;-) Keep on writing!

Answer 3

I can relate deeply to this poem.

This is the way i felt when i was incarcerated.

"Shadows linger in the hallway..." and so on reminded me of prison guards as they patrolled the tiers and all i could see was their shadow.

Two thumbs up, Love it