What do you think of my peom? This was my second attempt at poems!?

Question

This selfish world,

is so uncomfortable,

I wish i could die soon,

but thats not possible.

At this age,

I wish to be at peace,

but this world i dwell in,

thinks that i am a dweeb. ( couldnt think of a better word :P )

Not a soul to turn to,

for all are the same,

be it my fault or not,

I'll always be blamed.

Compare. they me

to the dumbest of dumbs, (again, couldnt find better words)

as if i am the only one,

most foolish and numb.

Not one quality,

does it find worthy in me,

well, what can be done,

if they just cannot see.

Self- pity is not my thing,

yet, i do write this,

For, it is better than mourning and crying,

and is my solitude's bliss.

Answer 1

Your poem is rather dark. The words do not have rhyme as long as the subject flows, from one verse to another. Personally I would rather hear a story in verse than for it to rhyme. I do think you are on the right track. Keep at it and keep posting them , look forward to reading some more.

A good thing to remember, write what you know.

Answer 2

Good job

Answer 3

For a peom it's not too bad I think, I'll have to go look that up though.

I'm just goofin' on your typo.

No really, this, as far as my readings can take me, is a typical teenage age poem that captures that state of confusion all teenagers go through. So for now it can stay the way it is, but the thing is, in the world of emotions, puberty is but a fleeting moment and therefore the poem will not stand the test of time. Always keep this one, there's no law saying you have to throw it out after revising, but by all means revise it. One of my favorite sayings (though I can't remember who said it because my wife sold that book back) is "Good writing is rewriting what you've rewritten." I say this all the time as it is my motto. When revising ask yourself whom your target audience is going to be (even if nobody ever reads it think about whom you would like to read it). Use a thesaurus to find different words for words you don't like. And most importantly read it out loud.

Also:

I understand complete who "they" are, most people will, but definitely get rid of "it" that should either be they or expanded on.

Couple more things: dweeb rhymes rather well with peace, in this piece; the vowel sounds are the same and you don't notice at all that it's not a true or rich rhyme. And, if you want to take poetry serious start studying the craft now, not twenty years later like I did. Look up "prosody" and get a basic grasp of it.

Answer 4

it's okay!  maybe if things rhymed more.

i hate to say it,

but the poem's not that great,

no offense intended

and don't want to bring you to fate

keep on trying,

don't give up,

think of what rhymes

maybe you'll find some luck!

Answer 5

In the fourth and fifth stanzas, I'd like to know who "they" and "it" is referring to. Don't be afraid to be more concrete. The more specific you get, the more creative you can get. I mean, if you wrote about a chicken, you can write about the way he walks, looks, his personality, perhaps the way he talks. Likewise, if "it" is referring to a person, is this person like a monster, do they scare you, what do they look like, can you compare it's looks to something else? Play around and have more fun!

Answer 6

a good one! but just wanna say that even though this world is made up of 'selfish' people,if learns to accept & love himself/herself then no one will feel this 'self inferiority'.one must learn to accept how he/she is..if one is bad,then also he/she should accept it & our soul knows how we are.so what if people say things against us?? we know we are with ourself,we know Allah is with us,then why to see what other people think?? n yaa this world isnt how its mentioned in this poem..spread love & u'll get love! even though there is so much hatred in this world still love & peace can spread here..'hatred can only be removed by love'

still a very good poem :)

keep smiling!

stay happy!

Answer 7

It's a bit impressive but with practice, i think that you'll do better!