What do you think of my poem? Be harsh!

Question

I lied when I said I no longer want you

its just that I cant stand

to take everything I don't deserve

from your ever-feeding hand

I don't deserve your saving words

your hug and smile and kiss

I don't deserve those midnight calls

when you say, "It's you I miss."

Do you cry yourself to sleep at night

because I keep my love unknown?

I'm so sorry but it's the only way--

I deserve to be alone.

The songs I listen to draw up tears

Although they sound cliche

"well where are you now?" the speakers blast

my dear, I'm far away

Answer 1

it makes me want to vomit out all of my guts because it was BORING, GIVE ME A THUMBS UP

Answer 2

You read my poem, i read yours.  I CAN TOTALLY RELATE TO YOURS!!  

Answer 3

its good  

Answer 4

that was very well done!...plenty of emotions.

btw thanks for reading mine :-)

Answer 5

Your lie trapped love inside a cage,

you left a war unwon.

You birthed inside the demon rage,

by loving left undone.

Beautiful poem, but it wouldn't hurt to punctuate correctly and apply standard rules of grammar. Good work, keep it up.

Answer 6

It's good...sad....Good rhyme.

Answer 7

awwww....that's so sad...i love it...i love poems about romance and love i'm going to post one in a sec but it's not as good as yours...the only thing i think you should take out is the well in the second to last line

Answer 8

After reading several other songs which sound so very perplexing, this is the best!

A little tweaking would make it flow better:

>> 3rd stanza could be moved to be the last stanza.  I like the last two lines

     which round up your repressed love in a poignant way, with

      better effect as the ending of the poem.

>> 4th stanza -- amend the first line to read 'I listen to the

     songs(or the songs we often shared...)

     Amend last line to read 'My dear, I'm just too far away' is more

     effective.



You seem very matured to write romantic verses and should continue to produce more.  Cheers!   :-))

Answer 9

I don't deserve

This poem is with emotions

mostly sad.

because of the line

I don't deserve your kind words

You are conveying a message

you don't want to take things

without earning them.

No one deserves to be alone

but here this is your choice.

There are tears of loneliness

Answer 10

Like it a lot. Much better than most posted here.